Thursday, October 13, 2005
I didn’t even paste any posters. Kali ni punye perang poster tak meriah sgt. Yang semangat budak2 baru je. People kept asking me about my poster. “Mira tak tampal poster ke?” “Mane poster mira? Meh la org boleh tolong tampalkan”. My answer was “takpe lah, but thank you for offering”
I didn’t want to win. That’s why. I didn’t wanna tayang muka sana sini. I didn’t have the confidence nor was I eager to compete.
I wanted to smile that morning. BUT.. seeing the reaction of the people around me, I lost the nerve. People kept avoiding my look every time I pass them. The ones who used to smile at me and tegur, didn’t anymore. Oh my God, did my speech yesterday make things worst?
When I talked about it to Ju, she told me to envision myself in their situation. If for instance Kakaput gave such a speech, and you were one of those people who kutuk you behind your back, how would you react if you were to bertembung dengan die? When I thought about it, I got the picture. Maybe people were segan with me, or maybe even afraid. I felt better after that.
I did my duty of voting in the wee morning, because I didn’t want to be in a crowded room during lunch hour. At that moment, I didn’t have the confidence to go to a large area of students. I wasn’t brave enough to show my face. Let alone speak in front of them. I would avoid such an event.
One thing that made my self-esteem go way down was the incident where I was talking pass a group of boys.. as I was walking, one of them was acting like he was crying, the other tengah pujuk “..jangan la nangis..” Yang tengah berlakon nangis tu tersedu sedu kat situ. Then they laughed out loud together. Ya Allah.. How cruel can you get? I stopped, STARED at them.. (yang sedihnye, org yang buat tu org yang I know!).. they stopped after that.
That’s how my week went. Full of tears. Sad isn’t it? Sometimes the reality of life gets to you. I never used to take note of the things people say, coz you know what you do is right. But after two years, maybe my tank is full. I don’t think I can take it anymore.
YaAllah, give me patience. I really need it. Help me YaAllah.
The day was okey, until I found myself sitting alone in the JPP Meeting room looking at the Sports photo's. I sadly realized that there wasn't evidence that I was even present for those two days. My picture tak sampai kiraan sebelah tangan pun. That feeling of sadness finally lead to disappointment when I recalled the speech from the Project Manager who never even thanked me nor even mentioned my name. Sedihnye. Penat kita buat keje. Terkejar sana terkejar sini, but no one had the decency to say thank you. How pathetic is that?
I was still able to control my emotions by then, I was just feeling down. Then during lunch hour, some of the boys came into the JPP Room to see the pictures in my laptop. After dah kecoh2 tengok, I was left alone again. Then came a junior of mine who came to me and repeated a few things people are saying about me behind my back. For instance, “..tak puas hati la, kakmira tak reti handle..”. Then this junior told me that my name was effected bcoz of this stupid sports carnival.
I’d like to ask you, how would you feel if with already a disappointed feeling inside, someone came to you and said that? I was at that moment exhausted of doing tasks which wasn’t mine in the first place and with a feeling of not being appreciated, how would you feel? At that time, I just couldn’t control myself. I left the room until I was able to control myself. I also went down to express my depression to Ms Put. That was the last straw, I was officially depressed.
I wasn’t mad at the people who said bad things about me, I wasn’t angry. I was just sad. They don’t really know what I had to go thru to make the stupid sports carnival go on as it went. The hardship I had to go thru to find a canopy and P.A System which the useless project manager didn’t put in the budget. Could you imagine how frustrating it was trying to find the money for that? Was the project manager even concerned about such things? NO, he didn’t even care. Die yang tak masukkan budget, saya yang kene. Menyusahkan org btul. I had to go all the way to PORT KLANG to borrow the canopy. I had to go see the P.A System punye orang on a SATURDAY, just so that the sports opening ceremony would go as planned. I had to go all the way to Wangsa Maju to find helium for the balloon releasing ceremony. At the same time, I still had my assignments, tests and quizzes. Same as the other student. I had to juggle my tasks. But was I appreciated? NO. Not one single bit.
I’m not trying to bring up the things I have done and sacrificed. But when people say things behind ur back without knowing the real situation, you just give up.
Did I mention that the election was also running at the same time? My name was nominated again. But after what happened, I didn’t have ANY enthusiasm to compete. I even made a decision to withdraw from the competition. But people wouldn’t let me. Come one, I’m tired. I’ve been a Student Representative Council member for two years already, I’ve had enough. I need a rest for once in a while.
People say I don’t know how to do my job, then please let me withdraw and go low-profile for a while. I’ve had enough, with the bad experience I had with the previous group, I don’t want to anymore. But, permission wasn’t granted from the HEP. They said that this time the group of people were different, so it would be a new and fresh experience. So I was to compete, but with a huge reluctance.
Man.. what a bad week. I cried most of the time. During the manifesto delivery, I requested to speak last. In the line of 16 candidates, only two people was with experience. Me and Syed. I was the only one from the previous group of SRC. So En Kasman let me talk last.
My speech was different compared to the others whom were excited and enthusiastic. I was depressed and sad during that time, so my speech conveyed such emotion. Let me write down my speech.
Assalamualaikum wrt wbt
First of all, thank you for coming.
I have nothing much to say, only that I have had many experiences dealing with students and the management. I have fought for them, I have had the experience of defending them.
It’s really sad to hear students say I don’t know how to do my job. I don’t mind really, its just that many don’t know how hard it really is. We are dealing with human beings. Just remembers, we’re never able to satisfy every single one of you. NO
Running for JPP is not for popularity, not for free things, not for publicity. NO. Its is a very BIG and HEAVY responsibility. Don’t fight for the wrong reasons. I don’t want anyone of you to fight for the wrong reasons. Fight becoz you know you are capable of holding this huge responsibility and able to face what is to come in the future.
Since people say I don’t know how to do my job, with this I would like to take the opportunity to apologize for any weaknesses from my part.
But if you still see me as a capable candidate, if you still believe I can fight for you, I can defend your rights, then by all means, you can vote for me.
Fuh. How did you find my speech? I said that with full emotion. The big letters were the places where I stressed my intonation. During the whole time, I was controlling not to cry. I was THAT sad and depressed. The whole library was totally quiet. Some were watching my face, others were looking at the floor avoiding my eyes.
After my speech, I felt refreshed. Maybe I just needed to let it all out. I was able to smile once in a while again.
Ok, I’ll continue after this..
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Today is the second day of Ramadhan, but it doesn’t feel like Ramadhan. Why don’t I feel the biah of Ramadhan? Ape jadi ek? Dulu waktu hari first, semua seronok, boleh rasa nak masuk Ramadhan. Kali ni punye..? Hish, sedih btul lah.
A lot of things have been happening…
Let’s start with that. If only you could see my reaction to the word “Sports Carnival”. I don’t like this word at the moment, because this word and the things associated to it is the main reason for my depression week. (I’ll talk about that later)
This time punye sports was the first time we divided all the courses in IIM into contingents. So we had to fight among teams. Same as the concept waktu sukan kat sekolah dulu. Since there are a lot of courses in IIM, there were teams that were combined, and divided. So in the end, there were 7 contingents altogether.
The sports yang dipertandingkan were tennis, football, netball, volleyball, badminton, sepak takraw, ping pong, and indoor games such as carom, dart and chess.
It was grand of course, because before this, the sports day would only consist of netball, football and sukaneka.
Being so, I would say that the committee wasn’t really organized. I’m sorry to say that our Project Manager was hopeless. So sorry, but that is the truth. Sometimes the truth does hurt, but we have to face it.
Just imagine, one week before the actual event the proposal pun tak submit lagi. AND he did the proposal all by himself, without ever discussing it with anyone. When kene tegur by Ms Put, all he could say was “Nak letak jawatan lah macam ni” YaAllah, sbr je lah. Tak buat pape lagi dah ckp mcm tu. Tu baru kene tegur, belum kene marah lagi.
I finally gave up on him when he didn’t attend the last preparation meeting. My God, PROJECT MANAGER ok. Mane boleh project manager tak dtg meeting. Semua bengang. When I asked him the next day why he didn’t come to the meeting, he could ask me back “Ade meeting ke kak?” YaAllah! Aku lempang jugak budak ni, biar die sedar sikit.
Then he asked me, “Akak, persediaan untuk indoor games hari ni dah siap?”. Ewah.. sedapnye mulut die tanye. Waktu tu dah tengah panas.. I asked him back “Itu sbnrnye keje akak ke keje awak?” Guess what he answered, “Keje akak la” Huh?? Excuse me?? Keje saye? When we finished that discussion, he went out of the room banging the door. Fed up btul perangan budak2 mcm ni. Skrg ni panggil budak je la, sbb perangai btul2 mcm budak.
The two days of sports was really tiring. Both days I arrived home late and exhausted. Malas nak cite ape jadi, sbb banyak sgt benda yang jadi. Yang best, yang tak best. All I can say is that I was ended up doing this useless project manager’s work. During these two days, the only thing he did was sit and watch. The committee members terkejar sane sini, die boleh duduk dalam dewan badminton mengorat. Get the picture?
During the closing and prize giving ceremony, this project manager gave a speech. He said thank you to all the committee members, siap sebut nama sorang2.. EXCEPT me who was sitting right beside him. YaAllah.. Only God knows how down and how unappreciated I felt.
Anyhow, I’m just glad its over. I just wanna say thank you to all the people who HELPED in organizing this huge event. Alhamdulillah. Special thanks to Shah who had to face all the pressure that arose. He is such a patient person. Congratulations =)
Also to Faizura and the others. Thanks a bunch for making my task easier. Forgive me for all the mistakes and weaknesses from my part. I hope we all can improve ourselves in the future.
Monday, September 12, 2005
1) Mak and Ayah whom have supported me right from the beginning, always believing in me and encouraging me. Thank you. I did this all for both of you.
2) To Aliya, a loving sister and best-est friend I ever had. Thank you for being there thru the rough patches and tribulations, the best and most effective advice-giver.
3) To my siblings Ahmad, Aimi & Aida whom have been the sunshine during my gloomy days. The laughter and joy in our household.
4) To my grandparents, nenek and datuk. Thank you for taking care of me, worrying about my welfare and comfort. Thank you for receiving me under your roof with open arms, and thank you for having the time to listen to my silly ramblings at the dinner table
5) To my aunties and uncles; Paklong, Maklong, Ayahcik, Makcik Izan, Busu and Uncle Sham. Thank you for making me feel at home, making me forget to be homesick with your presence and visits.
6) To my cousins (wow.. let me list our their names.. Anuar, Arifah, Akmal, Adilah, Adlina, Azalea, Arina, Amelia, Amir, Alisya & Aishah). I’ll never forget the laughter you all bring to datuk’s house, and the laughter to my own lonely heart.
7) To my dearest friends; Ju, Ocha and Fad. Three years of friendship has been a wonderful journey. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for accepting me as your friend. I’ll always remember the days we cried and laughed together.
8) To my second family; Ms Put, Ms Adott, Pn Lily, Kakyong, Ms Sam, Mama, Ms Gibb, Kak Put, Kak Diela, Kak Has. Thank you for always being my back bone, always giving me encouragements and believing in me. Thank you for the laughter and the cheerfulness. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Most of all, thank you for loving me as I am.
9) To my beloved Lecturers, thank you for having the sincerity to share your knowledge with me. Thank you for entertaining my silly questions and helping me every step of the way. Thank you for your support and fun-filled education. Although kadang2 tu tak fun. =P Heheh..
10) To the admin staff of UNIKL IIM, Kak Ton, Kak Zan, Kak Yati, En Kasman, Abg Zul, Abg Nassir, Abg Fauzi, Kak Aida, Kak Ijan, Kak Ila, Kak Noni. Thank you for always trying to make my work a smooth experience. You guys have helped me a lot with my Student Council work. Thank you for your smiles and your kindness.
11) To my juniors, adik2 tersayang.. Thank you for looking up to me as a role model. You guys are the people who made me gain my self-confidence and self-respect. You all bring a huge role in making me who I am today. Thank you.
12) To the rest whom I didn’t mention their names, thank you. However big or small your role, you still influenced my success. Thank you.
This awards I received is dedicated to all of you =)
Thursday, September 08, 2005
The night was filled with laughter and cheering. We took pictures and ate all that we could eat. Hehehehe.. Best giler.
Here are a few pictures. My friends tengok this pic and asked “Eh, kenape semua orang nampak mcm org Arab ni?” Hheheheheh.. kelakar kelakar.
It was a fun filled night. Around 11 something we all balik hotel (me included =P) exhausted. Tengah2 malam tu, Ahmad (who was in JB at that time) hantar sms to mak writing “Hahahahahahahahhahahaahaha..”. Ingatkan ape, rupanye he watched the news and the interview that they took earlier was aired. YaAllah! Biar btul! Heheheheh.. Sbr je la
Ahmad’s first reaction was “Kakngah kelakar sgt!” Ceh, hampeh Ahmad nih. Malunye yaAllah..
And the next day, my picture was in the paper. Metro muka 11. Not many people know coz I don’t wanna be riak and go off telling everyone. Lagipun bukannye ramai org baca Metro. Still, I bought 2 copies just for me. =) It’s not everyday your face is in the paper.
For those people who always put me down and criticize my choice of studying place, who doubted my abilities, it serves you right. Eat back your own words ok.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
So, since my graduation, what has been happening? Lots of things I think. I don’t think I’ve even finished writing about the graduation itself. Hehe.. Oklah, where did I stop?
Ooh okey, I stopped at the time I was to receive my second award. After all was settled, after the ceremony ended, all the three award recipients were whisked away from all the others and were brought into the VVIP Room to join the VVIP’s having lunch. Each recipient was allowed to bring their family members. So Mak, Ayah, Aimi and Aida joined me as well. Masuk je bilik VVIP tu… Orang keliling tepuk tangan. Terkejut kejap.. Sbr je la. All I was able to do was smile. Oh yeah, along the way to the VVIP room, people kept stopping me and the rest to salam and say Congrats. Ntah sape2, tak kenal pun. But it was such an honor I tell you. I’ve never been treated that way. It felt so wonderful. I have no idea how to describe it.
So we sat down facing the Tengku Mahkota and ate lunch with the rest of the Dif-dif Kehormat, Menteri, Dato’, Datin, University Council members, and the Provost and Deans of the University. My God, what an experience. And rupa2 nye, ade dua org kawan ayah in the University Council. Ayah pun terkejut. Hehehe.. Famous jugak Ayah ni =). Bangga kejap. Uncle Megat was there also. Uncle Megat is Uncle Sham’s (Busu’s husband) father who is the Provost of UNIKL MIMET. It’s a small world after all..
The disadvantage of being someone receiving an award is that you’d have so little time to spend with your friends. Duduk dgn Tengku Mahkota, the protocol was that we aren’t allowed to stand up to leave until he decides to balik himself. Selagi die tak bangun, kite pun takleh bangun. Jadinye kene la tunggu nearly an hour inside the room. During that time, my friends kept calling me asking where I was. Even my lecturers called sbb nak jumpa. But to no avail. I couldn’t. Ramai sangat org call sampai Mak tegur telling me to stop answering the calls. Tu je la yang ruginye. Sedih pun ade jugak.
The food was okey, moderate. The cruel words to say would be “I’ve tasted better hotel food”. Hehehe.. Teruk nye. Tengah2 makan tu, dalam hati asyik tanye je, bile lah Tuanku ni nak balik, cepat la cepat la. Then finally he stood up and wanted to leave. Kitorg pun semua bangun. He shook the hands of the Council members, the Dato’2 and Datin2. Then just as I thought he wanted to leave, he announced that he wanted to meet the parents of the award winners. Fuhh.. YaAllah, bestnye Chancellor kite ni. Sporting and so great.
So he came to the back to say Congrats to us personally. How great is that? Die pun datang, salam Ayah, salam Mak (terpaksa tu.. hehe) and the rest of three recipients punye parents and family. Dengan ayah, he stopped and berbual kejap. Walaupun tak sampai seminit pun, still. Bukan selalu. Hehehe..
Keluar je Tengku Mahkota, I was restless nak keluar jumpa my friends. Takut diorg dah balik and tak sempat ambik gambar. But tiba2 me, Mohd Nafis and Mazlan kene panggil sbb press nak jumpa and ambik gambar. Laaa.. ade lagi ke. Kitorg pun pegi la. Sesi ambik gambar with Dato’ Seri Dr. Ibrahim Saad. Penat senyum. Siap kene berlakon lagi. Hehe.. The picture in the paper tu waktu ni la. Berlakon semata-mata. Hehehe..
So finally, dah habis everything, I went out to seek my friends. Ambik la gambar, settle kan the official picture taking, etc, etc. and had a few laughs with my dear friends. Tercari-cari jugak Ju, rupanye die dah balik.. Lahai, hampa nye. Another thing that was so disappointing was I wasn’t able to take any pictures with my lecturers. Keluar2 je VVIP room, majority dah balik. Sedih nye. My sincere apologies, please forgive me =(
But this day would always be the day I shall remember for the rest of my life. It is considered one of the happiest (even though ade benda yang menyakitkan mata) days of my life. I will forever cherish it. =)
Even now I can still visualize it in my head. Thank you Allah for this Nikmah. Without You’re permission, I would never be able to experience it. Thank you.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
I can’t believe what happened on Saturday =). It was one of the most memorable and happiest days of my life.
Mak and Ayah came on Friday and we all slept at a hotel. I thought Mak, Ayah and Aida je yang datang sbb Mak kata Aimi ade program. But to my surprise and delight, Aimi came too! Hehe.. The sad thing about it is Ahmad tak ikut sekali. He had a motivational program with Syukri Abdullah.
Anyhow, I woke up early the morning of the graduation. I couldn’t contain my excitement and pleasure. It was so cold, and our room didn’t have hot water. Brrrr.. Sejuk nye! So I took a bath with ice-cold water that froze you to the bone. I guess that’s why I was so jovial that morning! Haha..
We arrived earlier than expected, bertolak dari hotel kul 6.45 and arrived at Bukit Jalil around 7.15. As I had to be there by 7.30, the rest went to have breakfast at a nearby kafe.
I went off to find my friends.. When I arrived, I saw Ju with her family. Mak aiii.. baju mcm pengantin! We all semua ejek die “Lepas ni nak pegi nikah ke?” hehehe.. But everyone was so beautiful that day. Semua vogue and bergaya. The guys semua pakai suit, wah.. smartnye semua org! It was so wonderful seeing smiles every where you went =).
Before registering; me, Ju, Kak Anne, and Kak Ayda helped each other with our robes. Mine was extra hard so I went to find Mak. Hehe.. Bile lagi nak manja2 ngan Mak. Hehehe.. Then it was time to line up and get into position. In my campus, I was number 4 after three other guys. Biase lah, org nama start dari A. Hehe.. That time was so memorable, everyone helping each other with their robes, of course la everyone wanted to look their best that day.
When the Graduates Procession started, I started to feel nervous. Seram sejuk semua org, dah lah the dewan was so cold. It was a good thing for our thick robes, if not mesti dah menggigil kat situ. Hehhehehe..
As I entered the Stadium, I looked at the spectators, trying to find Mak and Ayah. It was a good thing they were easy to spot. Hehe.. As we all entered, rupanye Aimi said that the camera man focused on me. So my face was on the big screen above everyone. YaAllah, malunye! Ntah ape2 my expression.
Then came the Academic Staff Procession, when our lecturers came in, we all (meaning the IIM graduates only) clapped our hands so loud that my hands hurt. Hehe.. We are so wonderful to have such dedicated and hard working lecturers.
The session started with speeches from the UniKL President; Dato Seri Dr. Ibrahim Saad, then came the speech from our beloved and most supporting Chancellor; Tengku Makhota Tengku Abdullah (Pahang). It wasn’t long before it came to the presentation of Degree and Diploma.
When our time came, as the first row of graduates from our institute stood up to get in line, the rest (meaning the supporters of IIM laa hehe..) clapped and cheered out loud. Bestnye YaAllah..
My hands were shaking, my feet didn’t feel the floor, my heart was pumping hard, I had butterflies in my stomach. The day before that, we had a rehearsal and they told us what to do and what to say in front of his Royal Highness. We were to “angkat sembah” then say “dijunjung kasih tuanku”. At that time, everyone kept practicing and repeating the sentence. Hehehe.. So, as I stood in front, waiting in line to go on stage, I took a deep breath. YaAllah.. Seramnye!
When my turn came, I walked on the stage with a huge smile. I can still see it in my mind, how it all went. As I walked down the unstable steps of the stage, I released a huge sigh, in my mind “Fuh, first phase complete”. Then as I walked along the spectators, ready to sit back in my seat, I was stopped by one of the people there. “Adik ni Amirah Dayana ke?” “Ye saya”, I answered. “Adik tolong pergi kat tepi belah kanan tu ye”, said the kakak.
So I went to the place she showed me.. Not knowing what was in store for me. When I reached there, I was stopped again by a guy this time. He asked me,”Amirah Dayana ke?” Again I said yes. Then to my absolute surprise, he switched on his camera and shoved a microphone in front of me. “Huh?? Ape ni?”, I asked myself. “Kami nak interview adik. Nanti tolong cakap nama, asal dari mana, cara study.. Nanti saya tanya awak jawab ok?” I was speechless. Baru je nak calm down from the nervousness of having to go on stage, tiba2 org nak interview pulak. Knape takde sape yang warning dulu? Adoiii..
So with no choice, I practiced what I wanted to say. Sempat repeat my sentence lagi, then to overcome my nervousness I made a joke with the cameraman. Hhehehe.. Nak hilang gementar punye pasal!
He switched on the camera and I was blasted with a strong light in my face. The reporter asked me questions, awal2 tu seram jugak, then as I got used to the camera I smiled a bit and relaxed. Then last2 tu die pegi tanya soalan lain pulak. Hampeh btul laa. It’s a good thing I’m used to think quickly and answer “surprise” questions. Tu semua practice from the confrontation from the lecturers during presentation time. =)
That wasn’t the only interview mind you. After talking gibberish in front of the camera, another reporter came over to me and interviewed by hand pulak. He asked all sorts of questions, how I studied, what motivated me, my life goals. Fuh.. Then as I was talking, other cameramen took candid photos. Sabar je laa.
After all the interviews, I went back to my seat, only to be stopped again and quarantined. All the award recipients had to sit at the back, far away from the rest. The ceremony continued, until of course the last presentation of Diploma was completed. Then the quarantined graduates were asked to stand up and line up beside the stage again. When we all stood up, a cheer came up. I am not able to express how I felt at that moment. I was so happy, I was speechless. All I was able to do was smile.
My hands started shaking again, I couldn’t think straight. As we were brought in front, we stopped beside the Academic Staff. It was a good thing a few of my lecturers were seated near me. To hilangkan my gementar, I talked to them and tried to joke around. Congrats were sent my way with huge and proud smiles from each and every one of them. I’ll always remember that moment.
As I stood at the steps of the stage, again I took a deep breath. As I walked up the steps, I heard my name being called for the President’s Award. I walked up hardly believing it was me on that stage. I reached Tuanku and he smiled. Tahniah Amirah =). Smiling back, that’s another moment to cherish. As I walked down the unstable steps again, I had to run a bit to get back to the other side of the hall (which was a LONGGG way) coz I had to go up again for another award. YaAllah.. malunye!
Nasib baik sempat sampai… This time I was to accept the Council Award. As I walked up the stage again, my name was announced again, and a loud cheer came up. Clapping of hands, even a few stood up. I am so honored. Thank you to each and every one of my friends who stood up for me. I am forever grateful.
Hey, ok la.. tengah kelas ni. I'll continue later okey =)
Monday, August 15, 2005
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
So sorry, I was just showing the immature side of me there =P
Sigh.. I’m just speechless right now. The reason? Read on and you’ll find out.
Today, as I was sitting in Ms Put’s office, a question popped into my mind. In my heart, I just needed to know if I got an award or not. Like I said, it’s so excruciating not knowing. So with an expressionless face, I asked her directly.
Finally I know =)
Let me explain a few things about the awards that will be given during the graduation. There will be three special awards, the Chancellor award, the University Council Award and the President Award.
The Chancellor Award will be given to the most outstanding graduate in academic achievements.
The University Council Award to the most active and committed graduate in Co-curriculum achievements,
And the President Award will be given to one graduate from EACH campus who is the best student. Meaning there will be more than one person.
Let me break the news.. gently.. I didn’t get the Chancellor Award. But I’m still smiling. Memang dah tak rezeki kat situ. However, I am to receive TWO of the other awards i.e The University Council award and the President Award!
Ya Allah.. Thank you. I don’t know what else to say. It’s an enormous blessing. After three years fighting the long battle, You reward me with something I don’t really deserve.
I asked You for one, but You bless me with TWO instead. Nothing can compare to how I feel at the moment, the feeling of pleasure and accomplishment, the feeling of being blessed and being loved.
Alhamdulillah.. My decision to further my studies after SPM doing something I like was worthwhile. I’ve always said that I’ve never regretted it, and receiving these two awards during graduation is proof of that statement. Ya Allah, I am forever grateful. You really did have a bigger plan for me.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
I once said that since I don’t really have the time to update my blog all the time, I’ll be doing it once a week. Since I’d rather stay home on Sundays, I fill up my time writing for my blog. Then when Monday comes, I’ll be able to copy and paste what I’ve written during lecture in the lab (which I have, first period Monday morning =P). Hehehe..
So here I am again, cracking up my head on what to write. Actually, I’ve never had any problem with writing anything. If I have a topic of discussion, I’ll certainly have something to write about.
Hmm.. tonite, I think I’ll comment on something the President of the Alumni of AIM (En. Fauzan) said to me during the meeting earlier today. Near the end of the meeting, he asked everyone around the table whether there was anything. When he came to me, he recognized my face, which has been in and out of the administration office lots of times. Anyhow, I didn’t mind him asking for my name again. But what bothered me and made my skin crawl was the question he asked me after that.
“So, macamane rasa dapat award? Ape nama awardnye..? Chancellor Award”
Fuh.. I felt my heart slam into my ribs. In my head dozens of questions arose, my heart pumped a little harder, and I was kinda breathless. I didn’t answer his question, coz truthfully I don’t know whether I got the award or not. What award am I talking about here? I’m referring to the Chancellor Award during the coming Convocation.
I kept quiet. But I answered him with wide questioning eyes. Everyone was looking at me, so they saw my reaction. Then everyone macam cover balik. En Fauzan said something like “Eh ye ke.. tak tahu lagi kan? Amirah ni antara calon-calon die la kan”. Kak Put who was beside me pun cover2 as the rest like Kak Zan and Kak Ila (All from the admin).
Ya Allah.. these guys are so suspicious. This wasn’t the first time. There were lots of other incidences. But all ending up with no one giving a specific answer but giving out speculations. Oh mann.. this is so agonizing.
All I ask is people not putting their hopes too high. I’ve let down mine. Coz for me, whoever gets the award deserves it. He/She worked for it and that’s the rezeki Allah bestowed upon him/her. I don’t really mind who gets it, in fact I’d love to get to know them. It’s always an honor knowing the role model student among the whole UNIKL. I might even get tips for myself. Hehe..
But again, rezeki tu kat tangan masing2. However high my hopes are, I leave it all to Allah. If he wants me to receive the award, then so be it. I just wish these people would announce the recipients soon. It’s so excruciating not knowing.
However, it would be wonderful if I were to receive it. Ahh.. Seeing my parents during graduation, and knowing they’re proud of me. Showing off my parents to my lecturers and friends, who will comment on how young my parents are. Hehe.. and seeing Mak and Ayah’s wide smile with all the congrats thrown their way. Sigh.. it would be such a beautiful picture kan?
Some things in life are just priceless.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
My friends and I have already settled our Convo fees. Plus the fees for our exclusive robes. I first felt this excitement feeling start when me, Ju and Fad went to pay up at the HQ office the other day. It suddenly seems so real. I donno why I never thought it WAS real before.
Oh God, you do not know how eager I am. With the Convo being at Bukit Jalil and all. Best giler! Heheheh.. Sorry, just being silly.
Anyway, as I told you guys a few posts back, I already have a special baju kurung just for this gala occasion. I called mak yesterday, terlupa nak bagitahu yang my baju dah siap kat tailor and she had to pick it up. Rupanya mak dah ambik dah pun. Fuhh.. legaaa, coz the receipt was with me. Takut tailor tu tak ingat yang mane. =P
Then I found out that I don’t have a tudung to match my new baju. Alaaaa..
Hehe.. you know how girls wanna look their best! Macam tak tahu pulak =P
I want my Convo to be perfect. =) hehe.. I have a new baju, new tudung (which I have to buy in two weeks) and new SHOES! Yeaaahhh.. Thanks Aliya for the new boots. Sorry you had to go all over Melbourne in search for it. I owe you one. Eh, but wait, we’re EVEN! ;) *wink. I haven’t seen the boots yet, but thank you anyway. I hope it didn’t cost that much. Hehe.. You know me and my expensive taste. =P
Oh I just can’t wait. I donno why ramai yang not as enthusiastic as me. When I say “eiii, seronoknye nak konvo!” They’ll dampen my spirits with something like “Ala, awk boleh la nak seronok, pointer tinggi”. Laaaaaaaaaa.. sbr je la.
It’s not like they’re gonna announce your pointer on the stage. (I don’t think they’re gonna announce our NAME for that matter) We’re going up there as graduates, no matter how high or how low our pointer is. Convocation is OUR day. A day to celebrate US. You should be HAPPY. Not think negative like that. I don’t get la these people.
Seriously, these are the times that people can’t wait for in life. =) Getting a scroll after years of fighting up the ladder of success. All worthwhile.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
However, two days passed by and alhamdulillah everything was done. Looking at what they produced, I am very proud and impressed with the end results of hard work and exhaustion.
I’ll fill in some pictures when I get the chance. It was a wonderful experience coz everyone worked as a team, a solitary body. We were able to feel each others presence and become closer as we completed the job at hand. Oh yeah, I nearly forgot.. We were to do this mural bcoz Hishamuddin was coming to the school for a community gotong-royong last Saturday. It was going to be published in the paper and all. I’ll look for the news about it later.
Till next time, over and out =)
Monday, July 25, 2005
It’s been a while, I haven’t really had the time to write, that’s why I type everything and upload it in my blog sekali gus.
Last weekend, I was required to go to a Seminar organized by Kelab-kelab UMNO Luar Negara. A letter was sent to my university, requesting members of the SRC to attend, so 5 of us went. It was held at Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka. The title of the Seminar was “Agenda Melayu”.
I went there solely to get the experience of meeting Dato’ Seri Najib Tun Razak. Haha.. At least dapat experience. Boleh lah bagitahu org, that I’ve met Najib. =P Oh yeah, did I mention it was on TV as well? Hahaha..
At first, we all tersesat kat DBP tu. Haha.. I didn’t know the way, so just relying on a map drawn by Kak Diela, tawakkal je lah. YaAllah, that’s an experience I’ll never forget. Only the people in the car with me at that time would understand what I mean ;)
Ok, so we arrived at DBP right on time. Dah masuk car park, naik lift. Guess who I saw? AWLA! Hahaha.. Of all the people to bump into. She’s the least expected person for me to bump into coz as far as I know, she’s in Kuantan, rite? Haha.. But it was a pleasurable “bump-into”.
At first I thought she was in KL for the Seminar I was to attend, rupanya she had another program. If I’m not mistaken, it was about Astora Jabat. Kan Awla? How was the programme?
Oh okey, back to my story. We all had to daftar, then went upstairs into the grand hall, which was grand I tell you. Of course la, Najib nak datang.. red carpet and all. All the representatives from IPTs had to sit at the back. We didn’t really have time to mingle about (even though that’s exactly what Ms Put pesan suruh buat).
After 45minutes waiting, finally Najib came, and the ceremony started. His officiating speech was interesting. It had some good points. But generally the seminar was about Melayu. About how we have to stay together and all.
The perasmian was a first for me. It was cool. After Najib’s speech, there was a recitation of a poem, with background music (which was really effective!), then came the pendekar2 bringing the keris to be put on the stage. It was COOL!
There were a lot of cameras there, from TV3, etc. We all found ourselves sitting up straight and smiling every time the cameras focused our way. Malu la kalau tiba2 masuk TV nampak tengah tido! Hahahah..
From my experience doing to seminars like this, usually the most interesting part is the sesi soal jawab. And from my experience also, usually it’s the IPT Students yang suka tanye soalan2 maut ni. But shockingly, this time most of the questions and comments came from the “veterans”.
Anyhow, kitorg semua bangga when the menteri Pengajian Tinggi mentioned our University during his forum speech. Bangga la kejap =P. Rupanya dah famous UNIKL nih. Hehehe..
The seminar was supposed to end at 6.30p.m. But we all went back during lunch. The forum before lunch had relevance to us as students, but after looking at the agenda, after lunch there’d be a forum on economy and politic. So we all decided to go back rather than indulge ourselves in the political issues.
Although setengah hari je pegi, we still consider it as experience. =).. walaupun mengelat sikit. Hehehe..
Then she asked me, “Pernah tak terfikir, siapa yang buat mira berubah?”. Wau, good question. I have to think about that one.
During the drive home, I thought about it. And I’d say that there is a specific person who “encouraged” this change in me. Name? I don’t see the relevance of mentioning it.
I think this change happened approximately 5 months 2 weeks and 4 days ago.
People always say we need to Muhasabah ourselves. That’s exactly what I did today. I used to be the reserved kind of person. If I was sad, I’d keep it to myself. If I was angry, I’d be angry alone. I’d only show people the “happy go lucky” side of me. But now, after all that has happened, I have learned to express myself, tak kira marah ke, suka ke, sedih or even irritated.
I no longer have this “scared” feeling of confronting someone I’m angry with. I no longer feel weak at the knees; no longer have butterflies in my stomach. But I straight away say what I think and feel.
I also realized the fact that I’ve grown to be sarcastic when I want to. Many have felt the nasty and biting comments I’ve voiced out since. I’m sorry if those people feel weird around me now, but you actually deserved such comments. I just stated out the truth. And you know how sometimes, the truth hurts.
Yeah, I guess I have changed. But changes are sometimes for the better. We shouldnt really try to see the negative side of it, but try and make do.
I hope to update my blog frequently, but seems like i dont have the appropriate time. But, I will try.
I forgot to mention that my term as a member of the SRC belum habis lagi. And since Bomba tak sambung study, I’ll have to act as a replacement. Pemangku President of the SRC. At first, the post sounded SO HEAVY! But, I must be confident in myself. I must do this task as best I can. With the team behind me, InsyaAllah I can do this.
So our first project is this coming Friendship Week. We’re already busy actually. Last week I think we had 2 meetings already. But disappointingly, only two-three people yang ikut dateline. Haiyaa.. These people like to do things last minute. Don’t they ever learn? Dah 4 semesters pun tak reti jugak. Sabar je la.
Then something happened on Wednesday.. or should I say “incident”. It started like this, last Wednesday we were to have a meeting during lunch hour. The night before, the vice II smsd me and said that he wanted the key for our new MP room tomorrow morning coz he wanted to “hiaskan”.. Since the key that I had was the ONLY key for that particular room, I told him to jaga btul2. This boy selalu cari pasal, so I siap pesan three times kat die. I wanted to trust him, but I still had this reluctant feeling.
Rupa2nya that uneasy feeling ade penyebabnye.. Lahai.. I think you can guess what happened. He locked himself outside. Duh! So, a few hours after that, he smsd me saying he wanted to see me.. “Ade benda URGENT” katanya.
“Kak Miraaaa.. saye terkunci bilik MP tu, kunci die ade kat dalam. Camne ni akak??” YaAllah.. angin btul la budak nih. At that time, I was just so damn irritated. Ape hal budak nih, I don’t get it why he’s the only one yang suka cari pasal. Yang lain okey je, what is wrong with this boy?
So I just said “Akak tak kira awk selesaikan mcmane. Yang akak tahu, 1230 ade meeting”. Then I left him there to deal with the problem himself. He’s old enough to think.
Or so I thought…
Since I was so irritated, I went to En Kasman the Student Activity Supervisor and asked him if this boy came and told him anything. When he said no, I told him what happened. Haa.. you’ll never guess what happened after that. En Kasman put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a familiar bunch of keys. Terkejut jugak, how the heck did En Kasman get those keys. “Mira, saye jumpa kunci ni betul2 kat tombol pintu bilik MP tu. Nasib baik saye yang jumpa, kalau org lain?”
1230 came and I went upstairs to see the door was already opened. When I asked him how he opened it, he said “Saya panjat bumbung tau akak”. Hish, sampai ke situ? I didn’t ask further. At the end of the meeting, he gave out keys to the others. It was kind of a weird gesture so I asked him; “How much did it cost to duplicate the keys?” He answered, “Alah, seringgit lebih je akak”.
The next day, I met syafiq in front of the MP room to settle a few things concerning this coming Friendship Week. So as usual I took out the key En Kasman gave me yesterday and to my surprise, it wouldn’t fit the key hole. “Eh, kenapa nampak pelik je this tombol?” I asked to myself. I tried every single key that was in my bunch of keys but none of them fit.
I asked Syafiq to call the Guard.. Yelah, manelah tahu ade org Admin tukar. Org admin naik atas, even the guard naik, but no one knew anything about the new tombol. Suddenly “this boy” popped into my mind. Terus I called him. “Where are you?! Akak nak kunci bilik. Naik sekarang jugak!”, I said with a high voice. I was starting to become angry.
When he arrived, he opened the door. The first thing that came out of Syafiq and my mouth was “Amboiii.. sukahati je awk tukar tombol eh”. Die boleh tersenyum sipu2 kat situ. Lagi buat mira geram. Then I asked him straight out, “Cuba bagitahu ape sbnrnye jadi semalam?”
I listened to this hilarious tale of him terkunci kat luar coz he wanted to see how the new curtains on the door looked from outside. (EXCUSE ME??) Then he said, bile dah terkunci tu, die pun panjat la bumbung. When he found out the key wasn’t in the room, die pun terpaksa tukar tombol. Ya Allah.. after that I was SO DAMN ANGRY! Boleh lagi die tipu kite bulat2 kat depan mata!
Then I straight away gave him the trashing he deserved. Die sendiri tertinggal kunci tu kat tombol pintu, he can say die terkunci kat luar sbb nak tengok langsir. Can’t you see the way he wanted to save his butt by lying? I actually raised my voice right there n then. I was even surprised at myself. I’ve never been known to marah like that.
Ok, let me list out the contradictions I found in his story;
1) First he said he locked himself outside, sbb nak tengok langsir. If that’s true, then how the heck did En Kasman find the keys at the tombol pintu.. Get the picture?
2) Second, he would be silly to close that door just to see the langsir coz die tak tutup pun boleh nampak.
3) Third, how the heck did he climb the bumbung with his rather large body? Tak ke patah tengkok kalau jatuh? Dan tak logic. Papan ceiling tu bukannye made out of stone. Its just a piece of thin cardboard. Camne pulak boleh panjat??
4) Four, kalau btul die tukar tombol, why the heck didn’t he tell us during the meeting?? Kalau iye pun, bagitahu laaa. Ni tak, senyap je.
5) Five, why the heck did he lie when I asked him how much it cost to duplicate the key??!
I think he thought he could get away with it. But like I told my friends “Sepandai2 tupai melompat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga”. Allah will always reveal the bad things people do. Don’t think you’ll get away with such things.
I was so angry, to the point I said he was careless, and that I put my trust in him to take care of the key. A key is just a small thing okey. Then I told him, if something so small as a key pun tak boleh nak responsible, how the heck am I supposed to trust him to do something bigger??! Oh God, I totally gave it all out. The thing that made me angrier was the fact that he could lie right in my face. The nerve.
Right now, him and his “gang” of friends duk menjeling2 me. Eh, come on la. So immature la. I don’t give a damn. Such acts, mirrors the fact that he’s still a kid inside and doesn’t wanna grow up. It also shows how much he is still trying to defend himself. Still tanak mengaku salah.
Makes me wonder what other things he’s lied about.
Anyhow, I’ve been here two weeks already. Sorry for not updating, but it’s been kinda hectic. This semester I would be taking 7 subjects which carry 18 credit hours. Until now, I only have one totally project based subject. I know how those would sound easy, but don’t be fooled. Its these kind of subjects which are hard to score.
What actually has been happening here in KL? Not much to tell really. Registration day was a blast! Coz I met up with all my friends whom I haven’t seen in 6 months. There were a lot of hugging and laughing. =) So much fun.
Then came the orientation. It was a relief that the degree students didn’t have to undergo the orientation week again. Fuh.. if not, for sure the OC would ‘bully’ us. But as if diorg berani pun! Haha.. I tagged along supervising the 40 highly potential members of the Orientation Committee. Its always fun watching new faces and making new friends.
The week after that, we were divided into our respected classes. I’m in class One which consists of 50% new external students. Am I unlucky or what! Oklaa.. I can make new friends, but come on laa.. =( Nasib baik Ocha same class with me, kalau tak tercungap-cungap la saye kat situ.
Oh ye, I forgot to mention.. the degree courses, ade yang ade kelas until 8p.m. My God! 8 p.m. ok folks. Thank God I have a car. I pity the ones who have to take the bus. Balik malam2 tuh.
Its just been a week, but I’ve already got 3 major assignments.. Waaaaa… when we voiced objections, guess what the lecturers’ said..? “WELCOME TO DEGREE COURSE” with a mischievous smile. Oh Mannn..!
Pray for me okey.
Friday, July 01, 2005
I haven’t really finished packing my stuff.. Never knew I had tons of things!
Aimi keeps repeating “Alaa.. lepas ni kakngah dah takde dah” and every time she says that, my gutt hurts. As much as I’d love to see my friends and hang out, I’ll still be missing my family and the times we all share together, walaupun only at home.
I’ve been living back home for 6 months and everyone has gotten used to the routine. I don’t know how it’ll go without me. I know Aimi and Aida are gonna miss me menyakat diorg. I also selalu bawak diorg jalan2, and belanja stuff which I know they won’t get to buy with mak =P. So I think they’ll miss those kind of things.
Every time before going to sleep, after the lights are already turned off, I always get in bed next to them and main geletek2. Hehehe.. it’s fun you know. Well, for me anyway; coz I’m doing all the tickling. =P
And I really love the conversations we all have during the half an hour drives’ back from fetching them at school. The laughs, jokes and sharing of secrets. =)
I know the whole family is gonna be sending me to KL, but yet again I dread the time when they’ll start their journey back to JB and leave me. It’s still gonna feel sad; just like the time they left after seeing me settled in the hostel during semester 1. I hate that feeling. I’ll always have unshed tears; which I’ll straight away wipe before anyone sees them.
It’s a good thing I’ll be staying in nenek’s house. I just hate hostels. Seriously. I’ll definitely think again if I was offered. No way. I value my privacy so I don’t think I’ll be able to settle in comfortably. Once is enough. I have so many experiences to last a lifetime! < -- Just being over dramatic =P
I’m not sure how often I’ll be able to update my blog in KL. It depends on how busy I’ll be. But since my laptop has a wireless connection, maybe I’ll be spending more time in restaurants with the facilities for me to eat while surfing. And its gonna be free as well.. hehe.. Cool!
Please pray for me. I need all the support I can get. =) I hope the journey I am about to start would be as wonderful and serine as it was before. InsyaAllah it will give me more experiences and make me stronger facing the tribulations that are heading my way. Ya Allah, I need Your guidance every step of the way.
So here I am today writing on my last day staying home. Tomorrow we’re all off to KL. The whole family is coming along as well to send me. Just a family thing =). And also because someone has to teman me drive all the way to KL. Hehehe.. But still, its just wonderful that everyone cleared their schedules to send me all the way back to face yet another journey. Haha.. Except Aliya of course.. Duh!
Right now, sbnrnye I’m in the process of packing. Truthfully, I just started packing yesterday. I know, I know.. last minute btul packing. Saje je sbnrnye. Somehow, I felt reluctant to bring out the huge suitcase and pack all my clothes. I’m only half finished and the cupboard is already looking empty. The rest to just Aimi’s clothes.
Sedih tu sedih jugak. And the room is now so damn messy. My doing of course. Hehehhe.. I brought out all the boxes, files and documents. So right now I’m sorting them all out. Stuff to bring along, stuff to recycle, stuff to keep in mind, and also stuff to throw out. Hehehe.. During the whole sorting out, I found quite a few things. All my former notes. Even from semester one! And also my exam papers, quizzes and test. Wah.. bangga btul bile tgk balik my marks. Alhamdulillah, I never thought I’d get this far.
Oh I better get back to packing. I have to finish before my sisters get back from school. Kalau tak, habis makin sepah bilik nih. I’ll get back when I feel tired sorting things out =)
Over and out.
At first, terkejut jugak. Surat ape lagi UNIKL nak bagi nih. I thought diorg dah bagi dah every borang that I needed to fill in. So with dread, I opened it. And to my surprise… jeng jeng jeng.. it was about my convocation. Yahoooo! Hehehehe..
Inside they sent all the details about this gala event. And you wanna know something?? Guess where they’re gonna do it? STADIUM PUTRA BUKIT JALIL!! Oh mann..!
These people are crazy. Haha. Actually, I heard about that rumour a few months back, but I didn’t really put my hopes up too high, coz sometimes UNIKL nih ckp je lebih. Hehe.. and that’s from my personal experience. So when this letter came, I was so shocked coz these guys were serious. Wauu.. Bukit Jalil??
Anyway, they also included invitations. Usually only two people can enter the grand hall, but this time they gave four passes. Hehe.. sape mira nak ajak sekali nih? =D hehe.. But opps.. I forgot to say, my rule is Family ONLY. =P Aliyaaa.. tanak balik ke for my convo?? Heheheh..
They also included a pass for parking, and details for my convocation robe. Fuh.. Suddenly it became so real. I’m graduating!! Hahaha.. Bestnye!
Yesterday Aishah asked me about my convo, and as it turns out, I’m the first person to graduate from my batch of girl. How cool is that?? =)
I just can’t wait. Wooo. Wooo.. calm down. Hehehhe..
So we went. The rest isn’t that important. =P So I don’t think I’ll go into detail. Hehe
Anyhow, I met up with a few people. I once told you about me being in the forgiving stage right? Well, I set a few things straight with a few people. Alhamdulillah. What’s the use of keeping things inside when all it does is destroy your life. Anyhow, like Awla once said to me; “Life is too short to keep dwelling on such silly things..”. And I truly agree with her.
Two days after the review (which was yesterday) the AGM of ALUMNI was held. The reelection was held, yada yada yada =P hehe.. and the new elected President and Vice is now Ihsan Norkhari and Wardah. Two individuals with a huge load of potential from my opinion. I pray they complete their tasks with dignity and sincerity insyaAllah.
I was fun meeting back with some friends. And the end of the day, although I was tired from all the listening.. hehe.. I had fun. Munibah was a wonderful Master of Ceremony. She’s just a natural comedian. Hehehe.. Anyhow, congrats to all who had a part in making the AGM a success. God bless you all.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Reluctantly, I had to say that I couldn’t. And I felt so bad about it afterwards. I don’t like disappointing people, especially Ms Put. So when I said to her that I couldn’t because it was too short notice, I had this awful feeling that my reason was so unacceptable.
Kalau ikut hati, mmg nak pegi.. but when I think about it rationally, I really just couldn’t. I haven’t packed my bags, I haven’t completed the procedures for the coming registrations, etc. And if I did go, it would bring much more stress to me than any fun or good. So I just had to accept the fact that I had to disappoint her. And that’s tough.
Anyway, I’m going to make up for it insyaAllah. I’ll fulfill my tasks when I get back to KL. With the team that I have now, I surely hope it will go smooth and serine. I will do my best in completing this huge responsibility I have on my shoulders as best I can.
YaAllah, please help me and guide me thru this. I would be nothing without You.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
I am at the moment, sitting in front of my computer, while everyone else is sound asleep. I like it at this time. Peace and quiet, with no distractions and no one bothering you.
The last couple of days have been a blur for me. If someone asked me what I’ve been doing.. I’ll admit, I won’t be able to produce an answer. Been in a foul mood, scolding my sisters for small and silly things, always having something to fight about with my brother and mostly been shutting myself in my room with a good book.
I think it’s a record for me. I finished reading nearly 10 books in the last three days. Not like it would actually be any surprise to the other book worms out there. They might be able to finish like 10 books in only a day.. Hey, what gibberish am I talking about here?
Some people think they know me. But truthfully, they don’t.
I have absolutely no idea what to write at the moment. Just thought I could let out a few things that have been on my mind. I haven’t been able to sleep.
Sometimes, just small and little things bring out such emotion. Silly, yet such things will be stamped in your mind and lingers on. Why is it that some people think you know everything? They ask you for every solution, even to the smallest of tasks. As if I know every single thing.
I am just like any other person. Someone who is not perfect, who has flaws and does mistakes. I can sometimes say the harshest of words which probably was said with the intention of hurting another, do things without thinking, and feel regret when everything is said and done. I sometimes judge people with just one look at them, never wanting to know that person first. I sometimes dislike someone, with no apparent reason. Like everyone else, I am just human.
But there is where our fault lies. We are humans, but rarely do we want to admit fault. Rarely do we want to acknowledge our own mistakes, rarely do we want to just forgive and forget. And rarely do we want to see the positive and good side of others.
I just don’t get it. Why is it that when you fail, people are constantly on your back, and when you succeed, they are still there; continuing to annoy and hurt you the best way they possibly can.
Why is it one always becomes the green monster of envy when they see someone accomplishes something worthy? Why can’t they just be happy for them?
I realized that when you become someone successful, people around you, even a close friend would envy you. But that’s normal. I can cope with that. That’s why there’s a phrase “healthy competition”. But when such envy turns into jealousy and later resentment, I cannot accept.
When this feeling of envy finally comes to a stage of resentment, people will use everything in their power to bring you down. No matter if their tactic would take effect to the mental, emotion or (nauzubillah) physical state of others.
I heard this saying once “If you can’t beat them, bring them down” in a movie. And after my years of studying, I finally found out the real meaning behind the phrase. People will practically do just anything. Believe me. I’m talking from experience.
Friends should be happy seeing their friends succeed. Not resent them and just say things that would just bring them down. I also don’t understand the sarcasm. Is it really necessary?
Like I said, I’m not good in everything. But what these people do is find your very weakness and use it to their advantage. They’ll find something you don’t excel in and beat you. Then they rub it in your face with all the might they have in their rotten-hearted-body. I don’t know, maybe these people are just plain sick; right to their very bone.
This post is just a way of letting go of my frustration. But if you judge me by what I wrote and if you even have the slightest thought of anything other than the positive; then you are no better than them.
Are you as sick as them?
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
So, the question on my mind at the moment is; how do we measure a man? Or to simplify the question itself; what do we look for in a man?
It’s a simple question actually, but with a complicated answer. Everyone would have a different view on this matter, as I have my own opinion.
I used to have a whole list of things to find in a man. Like every other girl’s dream guy, he must me tall, dark and handsome. But as time went by, I realized that such characteristics only came in fairytale movies. =) Haha..
I used to think that intelligence was the main key in a good and decent man. I thought that if the man was wise, he would know what’s right and what’s wrong. I imagined he would be someone who knew a whole lot of things and can be depended on. But again, I was wrong. There is no use of having an intelligent man but with not even one ounce of akhlak. And “intelligence” is too general. So yes, he was the best student in his batch, but what about intelligence in Islam?
Another aspect I used to have in mind was Love. I thought that when you fall in love with someone, it doesn’t matter what else his characteristics were. Again, just a myth. Love it blind. When you love someone, you DON’T want to see the wrongs in them even if you see the evidence right in front of you. Even if you see all the signs, but you just DON’T want to acknowledge them. Believe me, I’ve been there. What’s the use of Love when the niat was wrong right from the start?
So what am I REALLY looking for? I just want someone who I can respect as a person. Someone who is better than me; who is more intelligent, who has a good and strong Islamic background, and can lead me face this world. Someone who will tegur me when I’m wrong and lead me in the right direction when I go astray. His world goes around for his one true belief.
He has to have an open mind like Ayah. Bottom line, two of the most important things he must have is Islam and a heart.
A relationship should not just be based on Love. You should love someone because of Allah. Not because you “just love that person”, coz that’s what leads to breakups and failed relationships; the wrong niat.
Allah created humans in pairs. Lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan yang baik, lelaki yang jahat untuk perempuan yang jahat. He also made the woman from the man’s rib bone.
A rib bone inside me belongs to my match. I just haven’t found him yet.
Kerna ku yakin apa yang di genggamMu
Keharuman setanggi Syurga
Bukan kilauan sebilah belati
Oh tersiksa jiwa merindu
Bagai terkurung dibasah tengkujuh
Kewangian aroma bunga
Tak menggugat keteguhan iman
Cinta tak pernah terbunggar dan terlebur
Pada redup renung mata yang menipu
Tuntas ku mendaki
Puncak cinta teragung
Izinkan aku melafaskan kata
Bicara hati yang mudah diterjemah
Betapa aku gerun pada teduh tuk bernaung
Kerna awan itu rapuh
Bahagia buat mereka yang bertemu yang teragung
Yang membawa ke syurga hakiki dan abadi
Dendam tak marak menyala dan membakar
Oleh putih salju yang berguguran
Kerna dosa itu lebih hitan dan kelam
Ku anyam rindu menjadi hamparan
Kerna ku pasti adanya pertemuan
Di sana nanti
Bukti cinta suci dilafazkan
Tak bertemu pengucapan
Kata janji Mu
Seharum setanggi Syurga
Monday, June 13, 2005
After a long talk with Ayah in the car all the way to KL the other day, he finally got thru to me. At that particular moment, I was actually having a misunderstanding with a childhood friend, and I told him about it. He knows, knows the history of me and this friend since the beginning so he'd understand. And some of the things he said, got me thinking for a while.
He said that we shouldnt hold on to grudges. We should not be feeling any revenge coz that's exactly what's gonna bring us down later. People who you consider friends hurt you, you're angry. That's normal in life. But you must learn to let it go.
He told me a story about a Sahabah, whom wasn't that famous. He wasn't famous for being Rasulullah's companion like Abu Bakar, he wasn't as brave as Umar, he wasn't as loving as Abu Hurairah nor was he generous as Uthman, but he was still included in the 10 people destined for Jannah. Why?
When Rasulullah told the others the name of the tenth man destined for Jannah, they were all shocked. In their minds they asked themselves "What did he do?". When this sahabah was told of this wonderful news, he was shocked himself. So the rest asked him, what did he do that was so special making him one of the ten people. He thought about it and finally found the answer. Every night before sleeping, he would forgive everyone who has ever hurt him or offended him. He didn't hold on to grudges. That answer concluded it, he was of pure heart.
That's what made me thinking. But then I asked Ayah, but isn't it our right to be angry? His answer was Yes, it is our right. You should let it all out, make sure that person understands that you don't like their behaviour, but after that you have to learn to forgive. But for whatever reason, don't finish the friendship you once had. How close it is depends on you. You can choose how close you want to be with them. That's your right.
Then he said that we have all degrees of friends. There are some whom we keep a distance, others we share our secrets, others we remember their birthdays, others we just contact twice a year. It all depends on how we feel about them. But a note to remember, they are still friends. All the responsibility as brothers and sisters in Islam should still be followed. All the sunnah, such as fulfilling an invitation when given one.
Well, that certainly got to me. The first thing I did after Ayah said that was getting back with my childhood friend. She is right, life is too short to dwell on silly misdunderstandings.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
I wonder how the teachers took it. Hahhahahaha.. I couldn’t stop laughing when I read a few of the stories. The one Faiz wrote nearly brought my mum to tears.
A note to Zaid: Ever thought about doing “Supernatural events at SMIH”? hahhahaha
Anyhow, since I didn’t go to Ihtifal, what did I do during the weekend? Hmm.. I didn’t practically sit around at home reading a good book (which doesn’t sound too bad when I think about it) but I went to KL like I told everyone. Yes I did tell everyone that I wasn’t able to make it to Hari Ihtifal coz I had to go to KL. But that trip wasn’t that important. I could have postponed it any day. But I didn’t.
At least I spent my weekend with sincere and thoughtful people. Ms Put, Kakaput, Kak Alin and Qauthar; a portion of my second family in UNIKL.
Thank you guys for making my weekend a memorable one. The talks, laughs and conversations were just worthwhile. Hope we’ll be able to do it again some other time (with a wink). There were still a few unfinished business wasn’t there..? Hehehhe..
I found true and sincere friends here in UNIKL. I actually see their sincerity. It just hurts to find out that the people u thought as friends during ur school days just befriended you because you were a teacher’s daughter. It hurts.
I don’t regret my decisions. It is what made me who I am today. Thank you Allah for always guiding me. It is tribulations such as these that make me stronger inside.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
I was shocked to hear the news that people from Larkin felt it as well. Maybe I was too tired yesterday that I slept like the dead. I certainly didn’t feel anything. Not that I want to that is..
Something funny happened this morning. As usual, I do my wake up call to my friend.
I thought it was a joke when I was told “Semalam ade gempa bumi kat Sumatra”..
In my mind I was thinking “Eh, die ni mamai ke ape ni. Mesti die tak cukup tido ni..”
I just answered okey, never even thinking what I heard was true. The realization finally came to me when Mak came into the room a few minutes after that and repeating the exact news I just heard from my friend.
I laughed to myself after that.
But like I said, everyone’s mind came back to the tsunami incident when they heard the news. No one wants such a tragedy to happen again. Nauzubillahiminzalik..
As I heard the news, about ppl’s experiences, most of them mentioned about their pets acting weird. With the cats that kept meowing, dogs barking all nite, the birds in the trees that kept chirping, even the crickets sounded differently. Just imagine such an incident to happen at midnite. There is nothing weirder than that.
An awakening conclusion, the animals knew what was coming.
Alhamdulillah no one was killed here in Malaysia. But the fate of the Muslims in Sumatra is yet to be certain. Let us all pray for their safety.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Hypocrites are people who are not really themselves. Truthfully, hypocrites ARE liars, and liars ARE hypocrites. These two words cannot be separated.
Ever known someone you think you knew but in the end you found out, the person we claim to know isn’t really that person? Ever had a person lie right in front of your nose with no feeling of guilt or regret? Ever see someone you claim to know as a total stranger to you? How would you feel when you found out that every single word that came out of someone were all lies right from the start?
These types of questions arise due to the existence of hypocrites and liars. Some people pretend they are someone, when they’re not. They wear masks to hide their true self.
Never believe someone who answers “on the way” when you ask where they are. That person is normally late and trying to cover up their tardiness.
Sometimes, you cannot see the real person in someone even after knowing them for more than a year. You’ll get a glimpse of the real person only after the water balloon bursts and water flows all over the place. Then and only then will you see how such a performer they really are. These people should be awarded the best actor/actress in the academy awards. Seriously, they fooled everyone.
I pray that such people will learn their lesson one day. Let them learn the hard way. They deserve every single hurtful, wounding and cruel mishap that happens to them. I pray that whatever cruel and hurtful things they do to others will backfire.
No one is perfect. So someone who pretends they are perfect is the biggest liar of all. An angel by heart? Huh, bite me. Liars like these don’t deserve to have friends. They should be destined to live alone.
Never believe a mirage; never believe in hallucinations because that’s what hypocrites and liars really are; just an illusion of the eye or more specifically; an illusion of free will..
Monday, March 21, 2005
It was a fun experience I tell you. The picture below is me with two of my group mates. Tasha and Iwan. Anas was taking the photo. The four of us were assigned to find and interview the oldest person in the village. Penat berjalan.. yaAllah.. dengan panasnye.. But it was all worthwhile. =)
We got the chance to meet Pak Mat, aged 76. A man with a wonderful personality. He was so kind. The most interesting part of the interview was when he told us his experience during the invation of the Japanese.
I'm not gonna talk about the INATEX Exhibition, it'll just give me a headache. So I'll tell you all about the BTN course that I attended. This course is for all the JPP (JawatanKuasa Perwakilan Pelajar) of UNIKL, meaning that all the JPP members from each branch campuses were gathered under one roof. Other than getting sores all over my body, (hey, even walking hurt.. we were all walking like robots..) the experience was totally exciting.
I was lucky to be in a group of wonderful individuals.. Here's a picture of my group. From the left, top Nabil from MIMET, Roy from MIMET, Nizam from MFI, Apek from MFI (Tok Penghulu Kem). The one in the yellow shirt is Raja Kamarulzaman, orang kuat Kg Permatang Pasir, Jugra. Beside him is Anas from MICET, then Helmi from MSI (Pen. Penghulu Kem) and Iwan from IIM. The girls are Beba from MICET, Kak Nazilah from MIMET, me (of course =P), Kak Ila from IIM and Tasha from BMI. The one who isnt in the picture is Faisal from MSI. This is one of the best groups I've ever been in. Mantap. We even got the award for "Kumpulan paling berdisiplin"! hahaha.. what a laugh.
It was an honour when I was elected the Penghuluwati of the camp. It gives you a good feeling inside when people put their trust in you. Wau.. to become a leader in a big camp like this.
The course became a wonderful experience due to the participants. They are the ones that made it interesting. A small task can become an exciting task when we see it in a positive way. Kalau dari awal tanak terima, sampai bile lah bende tu jadi tak seronok.
What I can conclude from this course is that this group of participants are the best. How did they put it..? Oh yeah, "To make the best, better" That's the motto of the camp.
I'll tell you more when i have the time. Seminggu takde kat office, berlambak keje. See ya later =)
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Drained out and exhausted. Two words to describe how I feel at the moment. I am exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. Ya Allah, what a week.. let alone a month.
*Sigh.. Lots of things have been happening. Things that you want to happen and things that just pop out of nowhere with no warning. Sometimes things happen so unexpectedly that you are exhausted by the end of the day.
Work is one thing but mental and emotional exhaustion is worst, believe me. You are so exhausted that no emotion is left inside. You feel so empty it hurts like hell. Ironic isnt it?
Where are your friends when you really need them? Sometimes I just sit on my bed with nothing to do and think to myself. And one way or another I end up in tears. God I miss my friends.
Right now I just need a hug.. Please someone give me one.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Seandainya telah Kau catatkan
Dia milikku, tercipta untuk diriku
Satukanlah hatinya dengan hatiku
Ya Allah, ku mohon
Apa yang telah Kau takdirkan
Ku harap dia adalah yang terbaik buatku
Kerana Engkau tahu segala isi hatiku
Pelihara daku dari kemurkaan Mu
Ya Tuhanku yang Maha Pemurah
Beri kekuatan jua harapan
Membina diri yang lesu tak bermaya
Semaikan setulus kasih di jiwa
Ku pasrah kepadaMu
Pasangan yang beriman
Bisa menemani aku
Supaya ku dan dia
Dapat melayar bahtera
Ke muara cinta yang Engkau redhai
Ya Tuhanku yang Maha Pengasih
Engkau sahaja pemeliharaku
Dengarkan rintihan hambaMu ini
Jangan Engkau biarkan ku sendiri
Agarku bisa bahagia
Walau tanpa bersamanya
Gantikanlah yang hilang
Tumbuhkan yang telah patah
Ku inginkan bahagia
Di dunia dan akhirat
PadaMu Tuhan ku mohon segala..
Amin Ya Rabbul Alamin
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Aduhai Puteriku Sayang..
Lembut mu tak bererti
Kau mudah dijual beli
Kau mampu menyaingi lelaki dalam berbakti
Lembut bukan hiasan
Bukan jua kebanggaan
Tapi kau sayap kiri pada suami yang sejati
Disebalik bersih wajahmu
Disebalik tabir dirimu
Ada rahsia agung tersembunyi dalam diri
Itulah sekeping hati
Yang takut pada Ilahi
Berpegang pada janji mengabdikan diri
Malu mu mahkota yang tidak perlukan singgahsana
Tapi ia berkuasa menjaga diri dan nama
Tiada siapa yang akan boleh merampasnya
Melainkan kau sendiri yang pergi menyerah diri
Ketegasan mu umpama benteng negara dan agama
Dari dirobohkan dan jua dari dibinasakannya
Wahai puteriku sayang kau bunga terpelihara
Mahligai Syurga itulah tempatnya..
In sem4, we all learned English Communication Strategies and people are divided into three categories; The Aggressive type, The Assertive type and the Submissive type. So which is which? hehe.. truthfully, Ju is the aggressive one, I'm the assertive one and Fad was always the submissive one. A combination of friends with three different personalities. Yet, we are still the best of friends =).
Why am I bringing up this issue anyway? Hahha.. well, becoz the other day Kak Dayah said something like "padanlah ayah kata mira ni aggressive orangnya". I was so shocked. Ayah said I'm aggressive? hahahahha..
When I asked mak about this, she said "maksudnye you have a mind of your own.." OooOooOoo.. so that was what ayah meant.. I have a mind of my own. If so, then ayah is very true.
I do have a mind of my own. And hardly anyone can change that except me. =)
Assertive. That's the right use of word. I don't demand for something, I ask politely but with a little force. hehe.. that's my way. When I was the Editor in Chief of the UNIKL IIM Student Bulletin, I never demanded people's work on time, I convey it to them in a sweet yet effective way ;).. wanna learn how? hehe.. come ask me urself..
Anyhow.. this is who I am.
Amirah, The Princess of her own Realm =)