The very next day, was Voting Day. I wore all black. I don’t know why, maybe bcoz I didn’t have the mood to wear something with bright colours. If I did, it would be a contrast of feelings and emotions. So I wore black to represent how I felt inside.
I didn’t even paste any posters. Kali ni punye perang poster tak meriah sgt. Yang semangat budak2 baru je. People kept asking me about my poster. “Mira tak tampal poster ke?” “Mane poster mira? Meh la org boleh tolong tampalkan”. My answer was “takpe lah, but thank you for offering”
I didn’t want to win. That’s why. I didn’t wanna tayang muka sana sini. I didn’t have the confidence nor was I eager to compete.
I wanted to smile that morning. BUT.. seeing the reaction of the people around me, I lost the nerve. People kept avoiding my look every time I pass them. The ones who used to smile at me and tegur, didn’t anymore. Oh my God, did my speech yesterday make things worst?
When I talked about it to Ju, she told me to envision myself in their situation. If for instance Kakaput gave such a speech, and you were one of those people who kutuk you behind your back, how would you react if you were to bertembung dengan die? When I thought about it, I got the picture. Maybe people were segan with me, or maybe even afraid. I felt better after that.
I did my duty of voting in the wee morning, because I didn’t want to be in a crowded room during lunch hour. At that moment, I didn’t have the confidence to go to a large area of students. I wasn’t brave enough to show my face. Let alone speak in front of them. I would avoid such an event.
One thing that made my self-esteem go way down was the incident where I was talking pass a group of boys.. as I was walking, one of them was acting like he was crying, the other tengah pujuk “..jangan la nangis..” Yang tengah berlakon nangis tu tersedu sedu kat situ. Then they laughed out loud together. Ya Allah.. How cruel can you get? I stopped, STARED at them.. (yang sedihnye, org yang buat tu org yang I know!).. they stopped after that.
That’s how my week went. Full of tears. Sad isn’t it? Sometimes the reality of life gets to you. I never used to take note of the things people say, coz you know what you do is right. But after two years, maybe my tank is full. I don’t think I can take it anymore.
YaAllah, give me patience. I really need it. Help me YaAllah.