Tuesday, May 01, 2012

I miss You

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim,

I used to be a morning person, where I wake up early to do whatever I needed. The most productive time of day for me was during the mornings where a fresh start was the best. But since finishing my undergrad studies, all that changed. Now, I am more productive in the wee hours of the morning. Which is why, those who are also online the same time as me, can see the "green" beside my name, evidence that I am still online.

I guess its easier for me to think without all the distractions. And as I move higher up the ladder of age, and closer to the silence of the grave, thinking becomes a norm whether you like it or not.

It has been a couple of hours sitting in front of the computer pretending to be doing the work I am supposed to do. But since it hasn't really gotten anywhere, I decided to blog. What better use of my time, right? At least Im hoping blogging with let me of the hook from whatever is denying me sleep this night.

When you find the time to reflect on your life and what you have been thru, looking deep within your soul, if you are really honest with yourself, you know that whatever situation of Iman you are in, it is not enough.

Our Iman goes up and down as the minutes pass. And you have to stop lying to yourself in convincing yourself that what you are doing is enough in getting Allah's Rahmah that will lead to Jannatul Firdaus. You are not there yet no matter how good and awesome you think you are.

Wake up dear self! Wake up, because I love you and I want to see us together in Jannah with all our family and friends. Wake up. Please.

We must understand that Allah works in mysterious ways. He works in miracles. Having the ability to cry because of your sins is a blessing granted towards those He chooses. It doesn't come easily. Our heart, whether it be strong-willed or weak, dirty or just shining with Iman is all in Allah's hands. If He doesnt grant it, then it will never happen.

Having left Makkah for a while now, I feel sad that I can no longer remember every experience I had there. I have to really concentrate if I want to re-live whatever I felt there. I feel so ashamed because sometimes I forget the lessons I learnt being in the Holy Lands.

I can honestly say that I miss the feeling of being so close to Allah. I know that that statement is somewhat wrong, because He is always with us every step of our lives if we let Him be with us. But I guess I miss having the atmosphere of not worrying about anything else than the next prayer time in Masjidil Haram.

We hear stories about the hardships one faces in Makkah and Madinah, but personally for me, the hardship lies afterwards, when we come back home. During the time there, we are swept into a bubble of concentration towards our ibadah. Unconsciously, we forget about other things. Everything else seems so unimportant.

But reality hits you in the face when we finally reach home and all the concentration is distracted by matters of dunya. And for me, personally, the hardest thing is to be istiqamah in whatever ibadah we have been doing during the visit to the Holy Lands.

I can honestly say that I understand the concept of khusyuk in solat during my short stay in Makkah. Seeing the Kaabah right in front of you does that. Whatever you say in solat, every word you utter is said with meaning, you cry just saying them. You feel a thud in your heart when you listen to the Imams reading various verses from the Quran during fardhu prayer, and you cry with them when you understand the meanings behind the ayahs. Even when you don't understand, you get emotional anyway because of how they read the ayahs, listening to that catch of breath, that change of tone and the long pauses when they are trying to get control of their emotions. I miss that. So much.

Sometimes you feel so far from Allah eventhough He is right there beside you if you need Him. But we often forget about Him. I often forget about Him. Ya Allah please forgive me. Please.

Yes, our Iman goes up and down. And right now, I am trying to bring mine back up. Thank you Allah for constantly bringing me back to You. For blessing me and surrounding me with people who remind me of You. Thank you Allah for giving my heart the opportunity to make me feel such emotions that lead me back to You. Alhamdulillah. Thank you.

Read this post while listening to this instrumental music. It was my background music when I wrote it.