Sunday, June 26, 2005

Dont you just HATE disapointing people?

I got an sms the other day from Ms Put. She wanted me to be one of the Orientation Committee (OC) for the new intake. Since there won’t be any orientation for the seniors who are gonna continue; she was hoping I’d be a member of the committee. And she said that the course for the OC would be from the 27th to the 30th. She told me on the 25th. Oh mann..

Reluctantly, I had to say that I couldn’t. And I felt so bad about it afterwards. I don’t like disappointing people, especially Ms Put. So when I said to her that I couldn’t because it was too short notice, I had this awful feeling that my reason was so unacceptable.

Kalau ikut hati, mmg nak pegi.. but when I think about it rationally, I really just couldn’t. I haven’t packed my bags, I haven’t completed the procedures for the coming registrations, etc. And if I did go, it would bring much more stress to me than any fun or good. So I just had to accept the fact that I had to disappoint her. And that’s tough.

Anyway, I’m going to make up for it insyaAllah. I’ll fulfill my tasks when I get back to KL. With the team that I have now, I surely hope it will go smooth and serine. I will do my best in completing this huge responsibility I have on my shoulders as best I can.

YaAllah, please help me and guide me thru this. I would be nothing without You.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Envyy.. Jealousy.. Resentment..

Here I am.. Back again and writing in my blog. It’s been a while. I haven’t touched my blog for the last couple of days, mainly because I feel that some things in life should be kept private to ones self.
I am at the moment, sitting in front of my computer, while everyone else is sound asleep. I like it at this time. Peace and quiet, with no distractions and no one bothering you.

The last couple of days have been a blur for me. If someone asked me what I’ve been doing.. I’ll admit, I won’t be able to produce an answer. Been in a foul mood, scolding my sisters for small and silly things, always having something to fight about with my brother and mostly been shutting myself in my room with a good book.

I think it’s a record for me. I finished reading nearly 10 books in the last three days. Not like it would actually be any surprise to the other book worms out there. They might be able to finish like 10 books in only a day.. Hey, what gibberish am I talking about here?

Some people think they know me. But truthfully, they don’t.

I have absolutely no idea what to write at the moment. Just thought I could let out a few things that have been on my mind. I haven’t been able to sleep.

Sometimes, just small and little things bring out such emotion. Silly, yet such things will be stamped in your mind and lingers on. Why is it that some people think you know everything? They ask you for every solution, even to the smallest of tasks. As if I know every single thing.

I am just like any other person. Someone who is not perfect, who has flaws and does mistakes. I can sometimes say the harshest of words which probably was said with the intention of hurting another, do things without thinking, and feel regret when everything is said and done. I sometimes judge people with just one look at them, never wanting to know that person first. I sometimes dislike someone, with no apparent reason. Like everyone else, I am just human.

But there is where our fault lies. We are humans, but rarely do we want to admit fault. Rarely do we want to acknowledge our own mistakes, rarely do we want to just forgive and forget. And rarely do we want to see the positive and good side of others.

I just don’t get it. Why is it that when you fail, people are constantly on your back, and when you succeed, they are still there; continuing to annoy and hurt you the best way they possibly can.

Why is it one always becomes the green monster of envy when they see someone accomplishes something worthy? Why can’t they just be happy for them?

I realized that when you become someone successful, people around you, even a close friend would envy you. But that’s normal. I can cope with that. That’s why there’s a phrase “healthy competition”. But when such envy turns into jealousy and later resentment, I cannot accept.

When this feeling of envy finally comes to a stage of resentment, people will use everything in their power to bring you down. No matter if their tactic would take effect to the mental, emotion or (nauzubillah) physical state of others.

I heard this saying once “If you can’t beat them, bring them down” in a movie. And after my years of studying, I finally found out the real meaning behind the phrase. People will practically do just anything. Believe me. I’m talking from experience.

Friends should be happy seeing their friends succeed. Not resent them and just say things that would just bring them down. I also don’t understand the sarcasm. Is it really necessary?

Like I said, I’m not good in everything. But what these people do is find your very weakness and use it to their advantage. They’ll find something you don’t excel in and beat you. Then they rub it in your face with all the might they have in their rotten-hearted-body. I don’t know, maybe these people are just plain sick; right to their very bone.

This post is just a way of letting go of my frustration. But if you judge me by what I wrote and if you even have the slightest thought of anything other than the positive; then you are no better than them.

Are you as sick as them?

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

How do you measure a man?

I had a dream last night. And it made me think about a few things. I’m always “thinking” these days it seem =), which is good because I used to just do things without really (I mean REALLY) thinking. I’m not going to tell you about the dream, coz it’s private. But it shocked me none the less. Mimpi; mainan syaitan. Yes, but what happens when it makes you think?

So, the question on my mind at the moment is; how do we measure a man? Or to simplify the question itself; what do we look for in a man?

It’s a simple question actually, but with a complicated answer. Everyone would have a different view on this matter, as I have my own opinion.

I used to have a whole list of things to find in a man. Like every other girl’s dream guy, he must me tall, dark and handsome. But as time went by, I realized that such characteristics only came in fairytale movies. =) Haha..

I used to think that intelligence was the main key in a good and decent man. I thought that if the man was wise, he would know what’s right and what’s wrong. I imagined he would be someone who knew a whole lot of things and can be depended on. But again, I was wrong. There is no use of having an intelligent man but with not even one ounce of akhlak. And “intelligence” is too general. So yes, he was the best student in his batch, but what about intelligence in Islam?

Another aspect I used to have in mind was Love. I thought that when you fall in love with someone, it doesn’t matter what else his characteristics were. Again, just a myth. Love it blind. When you love someone, you DON’T want to see the wrongs in them even if you see the evidence right in front of you. Even if you see all the signs, but you just DON’T want to acknowledge them. Believe me, I’ve been there. What’s the use of Love when the niat was wrong right from the start?

So what am I REALLY looking for? I just want someone who I can respect as a person. Someone who is better than me; who is more intelligent, who has a good and strong Islamic background, and can lead me face this world. Someone who will tegur me when I’m wrong and lead me in the right direction when I go astray. His world goes around for his one true belief.

He has to have an open mind like Ayah. Bottom line, two of the most important things he must have is Islam and a heart.

A relationship should not just be based on Love. You should love someone because of Allah. Not because you “just love that person”, coz that’s what leads to breakups and failed relationships; the wrong niat.

Allah created humans in pairs. Lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan yang baik, lelaki yang jahat untuk perempuan yang jahat. He also made the woman from the man’s rib bone.

A rib bone inside me belongs to my match. I just haven’t found him yet.

Setanggi Syurga

Percaya kata janji Mu
Kerna ku yakin apa yang di genggamMu
Keharuman setanggi Syurga
Bukan kilauan sebilah belati

Oh tersiksa jiwa merindu
Bagai terkurung dibasah tengkujuh
Kewangian aroma bunga
Tak menggugat keteguhan iman

Cinta tak pernah terbunggar dan terlebur
Pada redup renung mata yang menipu
Tuntas ku mendaki
Puncak cinta teragung

Izinkan aku melafaskan kata
Bicara hati yang mudah diterjemah
Betapa aku gerun pada teduh tuk bernaung
Kerna awan itu rapuh

Bahagia buat mereka yang bertemu yang teragung
Yang membawa ke syurga hakiki dan abadi
Dendam tak marak menyala dan membakar
Oleh putih salju yang berguguran
Kerna dosa itu lebih hitan dan kelam

Ku anyam rindu menjadi hamparan
Kerna ku pasti adanya pertemuan
Di sana nanti
Bukti cinta suci dilafazkan
Tak bertemu pengucapan

Kata janji Mu
Seharum setanggi Syurga

Monday, June 13, 2005


What should I write about today I wonder..? Well, lets talk about forgiveness shall we?

After a long talk with Ayah in the car all the way to KL the other day, he finally got thru to me. At that particular moment, I was actually having a misunderstanding with a childhood friend, and I told him about it. He knows, knows the history of me and this friend since the beginning so he'd understand. And some of the things he said, got me thinking for a while.

He said that we shouldnt hold on to grudges. We should not be feeling any revenge coz that's exactly what's gonna bring us down later. People who you consider friends hurt you, you're angry. That's normal in life. But you must learn to let it go.

He told me a story about a Sahabah, whom wasn't that famous. He wasn't famous for being Rasulullah's companion like Abu Bakar, he wasn't as brave as Umar, he wasn't as loving as Abu Hurairah nor was he generous as Uthman, but he was still included in the 10 people destined for Jannah. Why?

When Rasulullah told the others the name of the tenth man destined for Jannah, they were all shocked. In their minds they asked themselves "What did he do?". When this sahabah was told of this wonderful news, he was shocked himself. So the rest asked him, what did he do that was so special making him one of the ten people. He thought about it and finally found the answer. Every night before sleeping, he would forgive everyone who has ever hurt him or offended him. He didn't hold on to grudges. That answer concluded it, he was of pure heart.

That's what made me thinking. But then I asked Ayah, but isn't it our right to be angry? His answer was Yes, it is our right. You should let it all out, make sure that person understands that you don't like their behaviour, but after that you have to learn to forgive. But for whatever reason, don't finish the friendship you once had. How close it is depends on you. You can choose how close you want to be with them. That's your right.

Then he said that we have all degrees of friends. There are some whom we keep a distance, others we share our secrets, others we remember their birthdays, others we just contact twice a year. It all depends on how we feel about them. But a note to remember, they are still friends. All the responsibility as brothers and sisters in Islam should still be followed. All the sunnah, such as fulfilling an invitation when given one.

Well, that certainly got to me. The first thing I did after Ayah said that was getting back with my childhood friend. She is right, life is too short to dwell on silly misdunderstandings.