Friday, August 12, 2011

I Miss My Sisters

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

This might just become a routine -- you know, writing (more like venting) before bed. The last 2 posts that have the word 'bed' in it were written via my iphone. But this time, Im writing with my laptop.

Four days from now, two of my sisters are coming home from overseas. And I can't wait! The last time Aliya was home was the end of last year, Aimi has been in Japan for approx 4 months.

Im feeling a wee bit emotional this night. I want my sisters. I need my sisters :(

The news I got from my supervisor at around 4pm has just got to me. I kept my cool when she told me, but its been eating my heart out bit by bit since petang tadi. And now, when Im alone (everyone else dah tido), the emotions Ive been repressing has finally found its way out. And I need a long hard hug.

How wonderful it would be to become a child again, innocent, young and free of problems.

I miss my sister.

Like my post in FB, Ive had my fair share of disappointments this year. In fact, not just this year, for the last two years. Lots of crying myself to sleep, lying awake thinking in the dark, private crying sessions, private therapy sessions with myself, private crying sessions with Allah. Its been a tough 2 years.

Tests and tests of patience and strength, one after the other. Disappointments, failure, rejection, another disappointment, bad news here and there, another failure, more lost hope.

Don't be fooled with my smiles. You don't know how I actually feel inside, what Im going thru. And my way of venting is just thru this lonely blog of mine. And noticing how rarely I write, it goes to show how rarely I get to vent out.

And yet, we are taught to never loose hope with Allah's Rahmah, His Love and His Barakah. What He makes us go thru are tests of our Iman, reminders for us, for me.

During the course of these couple of years, there may have been times when I forgot about Allah. Times where I forget to be grateful, times where I forget to doa, times where I take things for granted.

My life is not perfect, I am not perfect. I miss my sister. I miss talking to someone and just cry my heart out. I miss sharing my heartache, my problems and my faults without any judgement. I miss my sister.

Im sad with the news I got today. Yes, really sad. But that's what Allah destined it to be. He wants me to work harder, to earn what I want. And I will InsyaAllah. I am sad, but life moves on. Time doesnt wait for us. It doesnt wait for us to heal, to get back on our feet, to stop moping around. It moves on no matter what.

I guess, I just need good news for a change.

But I still miss my sister..

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Forgiving Before Bed

Assalamualaikum wrt wbt

Im writing another post right before bed. Just think I need to get it off my chest before I can actually sleep, eventhough the time is already a quater past 12.

Im so angry at someone. My day today was exciting, lots of things happened that made me smile and laugh. Business was good, went to the lab, spent the whole day sorting everything out. Came back home to my favorite sitcom and smilled during breaking fast. Everything was doing great until I got this sms from someone.

Eventhough the person who sent me the sms has no fault in the matter, its not her fault. Its another 'her' thats making steam come out of my ears.

How DARE she try to twist things around. How DARE she pin this on me. How DARE she make me look like the guilty one. Right now Im so angry that I dont care that this might be happening bcos of her unstable hormons. I dont CARE. Why? Bcos she's been giving excuses topped up with more excuses, as if she is the ONLY person who has important things going on in her life. So what if ur married, so what? That is NOT a reason. Its an excuse, and uve been using it so many times that its becoming like a broken record.

Yes, Im pissed. And yes, my letting off steam like this might leassen my pahala puasa for today. But Im still angry. And I cant go to sleep like this.

No matter what other ppl say, Im staying away from her for a while. Ive been trying so hard to understand her situation, I volunteered to help out numerous times, I covered for her, and this is how she repays me? This is what I get from her? Accusations? Now Im beginning to regret it.

Ya Allah give me the patience to get thru this, give me the feeling of sincerity once more, let me be ikhlas in my amal, in my sacrifices and in my dakwah work. Strengthen our bond of ukhuwwah, and make those whom have run away from this path realise their mistakes and come back to You. Help us all thru this, especially me. Me who sometimes forget that I am no one without Your Rahmah. Let us be sincere in our journey and stronger thru the tribulations You put us thru.

Ameen Ya Rabb

Friday, August 05, 2011

Anti-news and papers

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

I know most of my post are always about me and my feelings. THIS does not mean I am not aware or that I am oblivious to the issues of the world. And it certainly doesnt mean that I don't care.

Although I am seriously NOT a paper person, nor am I longer an avid news person either -- not with the lies and manipulated stories they tend to report nowadays. Especially in this country. Since it's Ramadhan, its easier to forget about the news on TV, I will stay away as a step towards avoiding bad thoughts of people or saying bad things in reaction to the news.

When I find the time AND the mood, I sometimes (read carefully people, sometimes) switch to BBC or CNN or Al Jazeera. Sometimes when the there's absolutely nothing on TV, I switch to Astro Awani.

But yes, I have to admit that I find out things a little later than usual. Hehe.. the effects of not watching the news and not reading the paper I guess. And thats rather bad when I think about it.

As a result, maybe.. just maybe, I'll write more view-based posts in the future. We'll see..

Thought Before Bed

Assalamualaikum wrt wbt
Hi everyone. Just writing a post before going to bed.

There's a part of me that keeps dreaming too seriously. I know some ppl define dreams as just that, dreams. Something you wish for but cant really get.

There's also ppl who say that dreams can come true with the right amount of effort.

Ive also experienced situations where what we're going thru at that particular moment feels so unreal that its like a dream! Haha

I guess it all depends on ur state of mind. All definitions are correct, its just a matter of applying it to the right situation.

I dont see any wrong in dreaming or wishing. You need the push and drive to make you strive for practically anything.

Just saying the things stuck in my mind I guess. Rambling again, I know.

Goodnite everyone, pleasent dreams ;)

Wednesday, August 03, 2011


Assalamualaikum WRT WBT,

Would you believe that I've had this new post tag opened since 11.30 this morning. Yet I keep having other things to do. Whenever I open back this page, I stare at it for at least a minute -- thinking about what I should write, but just as I'd want to start, I'll either get an sms, an email or a msg on FB. Fiuh, its been a busy morning and afternoon today.

Its only 2.20 and I feel like Ive been sitting in front of the computer for the whole day! And NO, it has nothing to do with Ramadhan. I just think that it's been really busy, and you tend to forget the time when sitting in front of the computer with tons of things to do.

Even so, alhamdulillah... I was able to settle a lot of things today. And since Im not planning to come to the 'office' (ceh, panggil office!) I mean lab tomorrow, I better settle the unfinished business. Why am I not going to 'work' tmrw? Hehehhe.. Nak kene gi renew my passport.

Im going to be extra extra extra busy till the end of the year. Ya Allah, just thinking about it makes me stressed out. I'll have to stay in Penang for two months -- research related. Again, scary! And again, I feel like time is moving so fast!

There wasnt really a specific topic I wanted to write about. I didnt have anything in mind. But I needed to write, thus explains all the rambling. Going on and on about nothing.

Ah yes, I just 'launched' a small business project. You can read about it in my previous blog. Alhamdulillah, the project is going smoothly takat ni. Lots of orders. Im hoping to venture out to the whole of Malaysia. THIS is why Ive been extra busy today. Fiuh!

Oklah, Ive run out of what to write that isnt specific. Hahha.

Sampul Duit Ikram

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

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Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Is it Wrong?

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

The question I would like to ask: Is it wrong to hope?

Some would interprate it as hoping for a lost cause.

Others would say that it's a waste of time.

A few would tell me to forget about it.

Sadly, some may see it as desperation.

Only a handful of people told me to keep 'fighting' because all can change with doa.

I get confused about what to do.

So my question, is it so wrong to still hope?

Monday, August 01, 2011

Rahsia itu hanya Kau yang Tahu

Asslamualaikum WRT WBT

Alhamdulillah, I finally find time to write again. How is everyone? I pray that you're in the best of health, happy and cheerful with the coming of Ramadhan. Before I begin writing what I really wanted to write about, I should take this opportunity to wish all my brothers and sisters of the same faith a Happy Ramadhan.

For those who are my FB friends, I've already shared this e-card with you. So this one is for my other friends out there. Who ever you are. I pray that one day, we can actually become friends, not just reading from a distance.

As Ramadhan is starting to begin, I always find myself overly emotional. Every year it's like that. I become more aware of my feelings, Im easily touched with words, I cry a lot -- even for small things. Its easier to feel, to understand and to accept any sort of teguran. The feelings come from deep within, rather than be on the surface. I guess this is because the influence of syaitan isn't there. What we do and what we feel, everything is from the 'real' us.

I've always loved Ramadhan. It's a month that I always feel so much closer to Allah. It's a month of devotion, a month of being the best Muslim you can be. I've always found myself more hardworking, more sincere and more patient. I love the me I become during Ramadhan.

Before I explained what happened to me today, I have to tell the story from the beginning.

Take note, this is going to be VERY long and girly. Full of emotional explanations and mostlikely you wont understand because you've never watched and movie or the series.

Since the movies came out -- I'm referring to Ketika Cinta Bertasbih 1 and 2, I've been such a huge fan. Whenever I feel down, and have the time to entertain myself, I watch this movie. Ive never read the books, but I've watched the movies so many times that I can practically remember the dialog. If you ask my sister Aida, she'll say "asyik cerita ni je!".

But yes, the message in these movies have been my source of comfort for quite a while. The reminders in the movie has brought back my feeling of hope. I feel very juvenile admitting this out loud, but no matter how old we are and how mature we look, there will always be a small part of us that's still a kid.

I always find myself tearing up watching these two movies. Maybe because I can relate with the story line.

Last 2 weeks, I found out that the writer of these stories decided to make a series, as a continuation of the movie. I was so ecstatic! You can't imagine how excited. I've never been able to stand Indonesian series. They keep going on and on. But, this movie and series is so different.

This is the BEST Islamic movie and series Ive ever watched yet. Why? Because the actors aren't hypocrites. They were picked based on their Arabic fluency, on their understanding and practice of Islam, based on their ability to memorise the Quran and Hadith. When they talk about Islam in the movie/series, they actually mean it because they actually practice the REAL Islam. They dont touch, they ALWAYS cover their aurat and they always quote the Quran and Hadith. They give real and true advice, and they convey the REAL Islam in the story. Subahanallah, just wonderful.

The last couple of episodes have given a huge impact on me. Maybe because I've somewhat experienced the same thing. Remember how I mentioned that my feelings are on high mode during Ramadhan? We'll, I've been tearing up since writing this post. I don't know how to explain my feelings at the moment.

Let's just say that I know a little bit of how Husna in the story feels. I felt my heart skip a beat when she cried. I could personally feel how hurt she felt, even though my situation didnt really go as far as hers.

I keep watching the series because I want to find out how people deal with what I've been thru the best way. Like in the series, no matter how much advice we give others, when it happens to us, its so hard to listen to our own advice. We give advice to others with only a small portion of empathy. But when it happens to us, our heart and mind are influenced by emotion. So it's so hard to be rational.

I know Aliya will scold me for this, but I still pray for what I wish happened a few months back. I keep praying that things get better and that Allah ease the journey if He planned such outcome for me. I'm still like Husna, hoping and praying that I get my other half, even though things have been rough, with all sorts of obstacles in the way. How Husna handled her situation, was practically the same as how I handled it. Get busy with work so that I wouldnt have time to dwell on it. I thought my plan was solid. But.. When you find yourself alone, your mind tends to wonder off.

I can also relate to how Ilyas felt. How helpless he felt, how even if he tried, he can't change other ppl's minds. How much he hurt cos he couldn't have the person he chose. How lost he felt when he couldn't change the situation. All he could do was pray and hope.

In the movie, there was the conflict of Azzam wanting to marry Anna who has higher education qualifications, and Azzam who was discouraged because there was the mention of 'expectations' of the society. They faced so many tests, so many tribulations, but in the end, they ended up together because as all Muslimah wants, a husband who has a strong Islamic background.

Its sad to think that I find comfort in this story. Even though the story makes me cry and laugh and cry again, I keep watching it. I can't really talk to anyone about what's been happening, about my disappointments and my broken heart. I've been bottling it all up since it happened. I've been trying so hard to forget about it, to get over it, but I haven't really succeeded. And I know that I won't be able to recover until I do. But I don't want to tell anyone, because no one would really understand.

I've heard all sort of advice from others, on how to think positive. That InsyaAllah Allah will find me someone who is much better. Yes, I know. The story about Ummu Salamah has been an inspiration. But my feeling of hope is still there. This might just be a test from Allah so see at which level my Iman really is. So I am not giving up. I will only stop praying and hoping when I hear the word nikah from the other party. Only then, will I stop.

And if during this whole journey, someone better actually comes along, I'll accept with open arms. Because no matter how we plan, pray and hope, only He knows which path and which person is the best for us. I'm just going to be patient. Make me strong Ya Allah.

I told you it was going to be girly and emotional. Don't say I didn't warn you.

To finish this post of, I'm posting a video. The lyrics are really meaningful to me. And the song is from the movie above.