Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Open Your Eyes

Open Your Eyes
Album : Thank You Allah
Munsyid : Maher Zain

Look around yourselves
Can't you see this wonder
Spread in front of you
The clouds floating by
The skies are clear and blue
Planets in the orbits
The moon and the sun
Such perfect harmony

Let's start questioning ourselves
Isn't this proof enough for us
Or are we so blind
To push it all aside..

We just have to
Open our eyes, our hearts, and minds
If we just look quiet we'll see the signs
We can't keep hiding from the truth
Let it take us by surprise
Take us in the best way
Guide us every single day..
Keep us close to You
Until the end of time..

Look inside yourselves
Such perfect order
Hiding in yourselves
Running in your veins
What about anger love and pain
And all the things you're feeling
Can you touch them with your hand?
So are they really there?

Lets start questioning ourselves
Isn't this proof enough for us?
Or are we so blind
To push it all aside..?

We just have to
Open our eyes, our hearts, and minds
If we just look quiet we'll see the signs
We can't keep hiding from the truth
Let it take us by surprise
Take us in the best way
Guide us every single day..
Keep us close to You
Until the end of time..

When a baby's born
So helpless and weak
And you're watching him growing..
So why deny
Whats in front of your eyes
The biggest miracle of life..

We just have to
Open our eyes, our hearts, and minds
If we just look quiet we'll see the signs
We can't keep hiding from the truth
Let it take us by surprise
Take us in the best way
Guide us every single day..
Keep us close to You
Until the end of time..

Open your eyes and hearts and minds
If you just look bright to see the signs
We can't keep hiding from the truth
Let it take us by surprise
Take us in the best way
Guide us every single day..
Keep us close to You
Until the end of time..

You created everything
We belong to You
Ya Rabb we raise our hands
Forever we thank You..
الحمد الله

In the Presence of an Ulama'

On the 19th of December, weekend lepas lepas, our whole family (including family Paklong and Nenek) got the huge honor and once in a lifetime opportunity to listen to Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qardhawi give a ceramah at Masjid Shah Alam.

MashaAllah, it was indescribable. To listen to him live and be so close to him. Such an honor. Sheikh Yusuf Qardhawi talked in Arabic, although I only understood 48% of what he said, and although there was someone translating what he said, I still couldnt take my eyes off him while he talked. I was awed. It was unbelievable, to be in the presence of a famous world known ulama'.

I taped his ceramah. Nnt nak bagi kat Aliya, suruh die translate.. hehe.. boleh kan Aliya? :D Nnt boleh post kat YouTube. Hehe.

Here are some pictures:

Lepas maghrib terus start majlis.
Terkejut tengok sape pengerusi majlis -- belah kiri tu ustaz 'family kitorg'. Haha

This is the view from where I sat, betul2 depan screen. Yusuf Qardhawi was near the mimbar. Kalau zoom with the camera nampak la.

The man of the hour

Translator: Ustaz Ghani Ibrahim

3 beradik bergambar sebelum balik

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

My emotional roller coaster

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

I first started to write a post this morning, but finally abandoned it. Im not saying I dont have anything to write. In fact, tons of things have happened, but.. well, usually Im just too tired to think about what to write, how to write it and how to phrase things.

A bunch of emotions have gone thru me these past few days. Last weekend, I joined another JJB camp -- which for me was the most exhausting out of the handful of 29 hour camps we've ever done. It was exhausting mentally and emotionally. I have to admit, this was the most syahdu camp Ive ever been to yet. Although at all JJB camps, I will cry, but this specific one, it made me cry the ugly cry (as Oprah phrases it). Teresak-esak.

Sedih giler camp ni. Im not sure I am at liberty to explain why, but to resolve the confusion, I should mention the fact that among the participants of the camp were girls from a certain rumah bimbingan anak-anak perempuan. Enough said. For further explanation, maybe you should ask me in person. Ill not cerita-cerita here for everyone to read.

This was the camp that I cried the most -- which explains the emotional exhaustion. It took me two days to get rid of the headache I received as a souvenir from the camp. Hari ni baru ok sikit. But Im still vulnerable. Over sensitive as you might phrase it.
Team JJB with AJK Belia 4B Felda Taib Andak
(yang perempuan semua muka baru lepas nangis, he he)

But as always, it was a very memorable experience. Seronok tu mmg la seronok, tp yang penting niat kite join dlm gerak kerja dakwah ni. Kene selalu betulkan balik niat.

Other than that emotion, right now there's this uncomfortable feeling. Yang ni lagi la takleh nak cite kat sini. Only a handful of ppl know about this issue. But InsyaAllah its no longer going to be an issue after this. Hopefully. Ameenn.

Next. I just found out that a friend is getting married next year. As much as I am happy for this friend of mine, I am sad to say that Im a little disappointed and broken-hearted. Enough said.

Moving on, Im feeling a little down about something related to work -- as in my search for what people call 'real' work. For those who think I havent been putting an effort in it, you're dead wrong. Its not that I "tanak cari kerja tetap", its "I keep getting rejections". I have a list if you want to see it. And Im at the point of giving up and accepting Aliya's offer. Everytime I listen to Maher Zain's song titled InsyaAllah, I cry. Especially today when I hear ppl implying that Im not doing anything, seolah-olah aku mmg taknak keje. Jatuh motivasi aku. Sedih tau tak.

I told you Im in a vulnerable emotional state. Tengah low self esteem.

Ugh. I hate it when this happens.

But sometimes we need to suffer, for us to understand the meaning of happiness.
Sometimes we need to feel disappointment, for us to understand the meaning of success. Sometimes we need to cry, to understand the meaning of being grateful for what we have been given, and sometimes we need to get hurt, to understand who we really are.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Just a Short

This is a short post.

Currently at KLIA, tunggu Ayah punye flight arrive. Flight Ayah delay. Patut sampai kul 6, delay sampai kul 8.30. Ayah balik (Yay!!)

Lepas ni terus balik kelantan.

See ya guys in Kelantan!

Wednesday, December 09, 2009


by: Maher Zain

Everytime you feel like you cannot go on
You feel so lost
That your so alone
All you is see is night
And darkness all around
You feel so helpless
You cant see which way to go
Dont despair and never loose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side

Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah youll find your way

Everytime you can make one more mistake
You feel you cant repent
And that its way too late
Yourre so confused, wrong decisions you have made
Haunt your mind and your heart is full of shame

Dont despair and never loose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah youll find your way
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah youll find your way

Turn to Allah
Hes never far away
Put your trust in Him
Raise your hands and pray
OOO Ya Allah
Guide my steps dont let me go astray
Youre the only one that showed me the way,
Showed me the way x2
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah well find the way

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Aliya's Convo

Here's the reason Mak and Ayah went to Australia.

After 7 years of loooooong, hard, and tough studying, Aliya finally graduated! Yehaaaaaaaaa...!!

Congratulations dearest sister :D *hugs*

Im so proud of you. Seronok giler tengok ur convo pics. It doesnt matter no mortar board, you guys look super hip. Elegant giler! Hehhehe.

And Aliya, I love the tudung! Hehhe.

Congrats Dr. Aliya Azlan. Perghh.. Dr.

I showed nenek and WanCu these pictures and the one on Ahmad's and Aliya's blog. They were so excited. Nenek even asked to have a copy of Aliya's convo pic.

The only heart wrenching moment for me was when nenek said..

"The 2nd Dr. Azlan in the family. Patutnye awk (while poking me in the arm) Dr. Azlan the 3rd!"

Ouch that hurt.

Home Alone

Ok, moving on..

Last Thursday, Mak, Ayah and Ahmad went off to Australia. So tinggal la kitorg bertigaa.. Well ok, since Aimi mmg duduk KL, its more of just me and Aida.

So we sent off Mak, Ayah and Ahmad at KLIA. Ahmad yang paling excited I think. Hehe.
Him with his kebab! *roll-eyes* Hahha..

Bertolak from kampung at 7 a.m., arrived at around 8. Since they oredi checked-in thru the web, we didnt have to go too early. Kalau tak, nenek suruh bertolak at 5 a.m. Ugh.

They went into the international terminal at around.. 8 something, coz Ayah wanted to buy a digital camera for Aliya at the terminal. Tak tahu la dpt ke tak.

After they went in, me and Aida terus pegi KL. Since we promised to meet Aimi for lunch that day, we terus went to MidValley. We were starving! Haha. But along the way, jam giler. I think we were stuck for about 2 hours baru sampai MidValley. Ugh. Apparently there were terrible flash floods. But still, it was tiring. Lalu jalan mane pun jam teruk jugak, so I decided to take the shortest route.

We finally arrived, and finally ate. I bet you can guess where we ate ey? :P We bungkus a meal for Aimi and terus went to her college to wait for her lunch break.

After Aimi ate her lunch in the car, Aida and I went back to MidValley to watch the ultimate hype story for the 2nd time *wink *wink *nudge *nudge -- if you know what I mean :P Hahha.

This time, I gave it an 8 star out of 10. The details are just awesome. I have to admit that there are parts which are too cheesy, and weird. But overall, it was awesome.

AGAIN.. you wont understand what I mean unless you read the book. GO READ la to really appreciate it.

On the way back to Melaka, it rained again.. which ofkoz lead to another few hours stuck in the jam. Ugh. I forgot how stressful it was living in KL and going thru that day after day.

Aida and I stayed in Melaka with nenek. Teman nenek la sbnrnye. Kalau ikut hati betul-betul, we'd both rather go back to JB. But kesian nenek. Tak kesahlah takde Internet for a week, and takleh nak buat keje for a week (coz I need internet to update and create stuff). Tak kesah la we spent most of our days either in front of the TV or sleeping our eyes off. Haha.

But seriously, I was starting to get restless. I dont do well with too much time. And being without Internet.. I felt I was being cut off from the world! Hahha.. Hey, Im not exaggerating ok.

And it doesnt help that nenek kept giving us things to eat. Haha. Ade je benda die masak and suruh kitorg makan. WanCu too. Hahhaha.. duduk sebulan ngan nenek, mau naik more than 5kg. Now.. imagine me staying with nenek for 6 years. And come on.. how can you say no to ur grandma? Kene jaga hati orang tua. THAT's what happened to me :P Hehehhehehhehehhehe..

On Sunday, Nenek, WanCu, Me, Aida and Cuncun (org gaji nenek) went to Bandar Melaka. Saje je nak jenjalan. Sepatutnya, WanCik pun ikut sekali, but her leg was giving her problems, she couldnt walk that much.

We went on the Melaka Water Cruise. Saje je. It was kinda alrite. Hehe.. Lalu the Melaka River.. yada yada yada.. had some fun.

Afterwards, we all pegi tido at a Hotel at Ayer Keroh. The best thing about that resort was the swimming pool. Hahha.. nasib baik ade.

Ive been to lots of hotels. Selalu coz Ayah ade keje and we all ikut. How I judge the standard of a hotel or a resort is from the food. And it wasnt that good. 3 out of 10. But the pool was great. Haha :P

Today, me and Aida finally came back home to JB. Since we'll only be staying a day and a half, kitorg beli lauk sikit je. Awal-awal pagi khamis dah kene balik kg balik to fetch nenek and terus pegi KL pulak. Friday pagi kene pegi KLIA to fetch Ayah, then terus balik Kelantan.

Just listing out the schedule is making me exhausted. Kelantan. I bet no 'work-time' either. I hope at least we'll go somewhere. But since its musim tengkujuh right now, I highly doubt it.

Anyway, I havent given Mak the list of things I'd like from Australia yet :P Hehehe. But its good to know that I can strike out one thing. Guess what I found at Jusco.. :D

Tadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...... Hehehhehehehehehhehehe.. how great is that?! AWESOME!!

AidulAdha 2009

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Hi y'all. Yeah yeah, I know. I havent been very attentive to my blog these past couple of weeks. Sorry. I just came back from Melaka today, where there is absolutely no internet connection. Which explains my absence in the world wide web. Ha ha.

Let see.. what was the last thing I reported about? Oh yeah.. JJB eh. Okey. I guess I didnt actually write about it. Old news now huh? No worries. I have videos to remember the details of the camp.

But this post isnt going to be about that. The enthusiasm to write about that has died out. And I dont think you'll be seeing one anytime soon. Haha.

Ok, back to the present.

AidilAdha. This was the first time in ages we didnt go back to Kelantan for AidilAdha. We've been going back since I dont remember when. And since raya haji at Kelantan is much more meriah, this year around, we debated on what to do at KL. I have to admit, I forgot how other states celebrate AidilAdha. Haha. But it was nice seeing Paklong and the family. I havent seen them in ages. Especially Arifah.

Raya was spent at nenek's house, playing with my cousins, playing Uno, Speed and watching TV. Later in the day, I suggested we all go jalan-jalan. In the end, we decided to go to Pantai Remis, which is at the border of Selangor and Perak.

Nothing.. and I mean n.o.t.h.i.n.g beats the beaches at Pantai Timur. This ofkoz excludes oversea beaches :P. So the view wasnt really that great. I guess what made it fun was the company.

This is basically what we did. See below:

Our family and Paklong's family (minus a few members, and Paklong -- he took the picture)
Us looking for Remis. Nak tahu remis tu ape, go google it :P

The girls getting together on a log.
See any resembelance? :P Hehe

Afterwards, I suggested to do this:


Get set..



The cousins having a blast. Kwang kwang kwang..

Happy Eidul Adha everyone *wink*

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Doa Seorang Kekasih

Ive always loved the lyrics of this nasyeed.

Doa Seorang Kekasih - InTeam
Oh Tuhan, seandainya telah Kau catatkan
Dia milikku, tercipta untuk diriku
Satukanlah hatinya dengan hatiku
Titipkanlah kebahagiaan

Ya Allah, ku mohon
Apa yang telah Kau takdirkan
Ku harap dia adalah yang terbaik buatku
Kerana Engkau tahu segala isi hatiku
Pelihara daku dari kemurkaanMu

Ya Tuhanku, yang Maha Pemurah
Beri kekuatan jua harapan
Membina diri yang lesu tak bermaya
Semaikan setulus kasih di jiwa

Ku pasrah kepadaMu
Kurniakanlah aku
Pasangan yang beriman
Bisa menemani aku
Supaya ku dan dia
Dapat melayar bahtera
Ke muara cinta yang Engkau redhai

Ya Tuhanku, yang Maha Pengasih
Engkau sahaja pemeliharaku
Dengarkan rintihan hambaMu ini
Jangan Engkau biarkan ku sendiri

Agarku bisa bahagia
Walau tanpa bersamanya
Gantikanlah yang hilang
Tumbuhkan yang telah patah
Ku inginkan bahagia
Di dunia dan akhirat
PadaMu Tuhan ku mohon segala

Ameen ya Rabbal alameen.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Jom Jadi Bijak

This is where I was this weekend. Report later. Pictures first.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Breaking the Silence

This is going to be a pretty long post. But since Im alone, with no distractions at the moment, and no deadlines to meet, I think this is the best time to write. Im not sure when Ill get such a time again in the near future.

Its currently 1.15a.m. and Im sitting in front of the TV downstairs with my laptop on, listening to my current playlist and thinking of blogging. So here I am, alone and suddenly feeling like writing. Its very quiet when everyone has gone to bed. And for me, I find it very relaxing and peaceful. No wonder Allah said that the best time to have quality one-and-one time with Him is when everyone else is peacefully in their beds.

Its my birthday today. Yeah. 25 mate. Like Aliya said, quarter of a century.

Even though birthdays are what people call "a time for celebration", in a small corner of my mind, I see that way of thought as very cliche. Its too common, its somehow become something people are expected to do.

What people forget is how we should reflect on the whole year that we've been thru.

With the addition of another year, we should ask ourselves, what have we done? What significance or change did we do? What action and decision did we do for the greater good? How did we help the development of Islam? How did we help influence others to become better Muslims? How many people did we help out of sincerity? What wrong did we do this year that we have not yet asked for forgiveness? These are the questions we should ask ourselves, rather than insignificant questions like "How do you think I should celebrate this year?".

Although birthdays are supposed to be a time of happy thoughts and laughter, I tot of writing about something Ive been putting off for quite a while. I know some of you oredi know my story. Some might even say "la, pasal ni lagi ke?", or "come on, move on oredi". Others might say "stop living in the past". But my dear readers, Im sure none of you know the real story. Most of you just know bits here and there. But no one knows the whole truth and nothing but the truth, except me. So today, on this special day, I just want to tell all and leave nothing.

Im finally breaking my silence.

Before I start, I think I better warn you that this is gonna be very revealing. Im exposing the real me -- the me who not many people know. Most of you only know the outside me, but very very few have seen the vulnerable me. So you might get a little shocked with what you read later on. Just a warning. Maybe after you read this, you'll see me more as a human being. Maybe you might even get to know the real me, rather than the me you thought I was.

Im not sure where I should start, but to help you understand, maybe highschool is the best beginning. I was sort of a loser in highschool. My grades were pretty much a lower average, I didnt like to study, I practically heard only half of what the teachers talked about at the front of the class. The only subjects I really enjoyed were maths and english. Full stop. I wasnt enthusiastic to learn because I wasnt able to catch most of the subjects. I just couldnt wait to get away and finish highschool. Bad memories. Especially in the academic department. I was one of the lowest scoring girl in the science class. Why? Bcoz I didnt like science. Eh wait, I like science, I just dont like to take exams where you have to memorise things you dont even understand in the first place.

So, having had an awful time during highschool, you can pretty much guess what I got for my SPM. Only 4As. Yes, youre right to say that the number of A's dont convey ur future success. But my SPM results were strike 1. One failure in my eyes. Then came matriks -- I didnt get in. Strike 2. Then UPU -- strike 3. The year after SPM was one of the worst of my life. Seriously. Filled with tears and disapointment.

I was the one that choose to study at Akademi Infotech MARA. It was my choice. I saw it as my 2nd chance. I promised myself that I was going to do a 360 degree change. I was going to work harder and put realistic goals, to make my parents proud, and to actually prove to everyone that I have potential.

I wasnt going to let anyone put me down and ridicule me. I was going to become somebody. I was born to stand out.

But this is life. Being put down is one of the lessons of life you will certainly face. Its Allah's way of teaching you to become a strong individual. I was put down a lot, people questioned my future, they insulted me for the choices I made. But I stood my ground. I held on and I reached my goal.

I got excellent grades semester after semester, people started to see me, people started to look up to me, they started to respect and trust my judgement. I was elected to represent the students, I was one of the top students.

I finally became somebody. After all my hard work and the amount effort I put in, I was finally seen by people. I finally succeeded in stripping away the loser title I had at school. I finally made a name for myself.

It was hard. Whoever thought that Uni was easy for me, ur dead wrong. I struggled. People just didnt see. No one knew. They just saw the end results. They just saw "how easy" I got excellent grades. Having good English did have its advantages, but hard work is never far away. There's always work to be put in. That's the only thing people saw. They thought I was 'lucky' and that I was 'special' and that I had lots of advantages. "Mira senang la cakap, mira terrer English. Boleh goreng je". Hello.. Im still human.

I dont think anyone knew. How I cried myself to sleep most days. I was exhausted, I was stressed, I was somewhat struggling. People expected me to always excel that they never really saw my grades. They just assumed Id always get the highests. How do I know this? Because I bet no one noticed when I didnt get DL a couple of semesters. Im sure no one noticed. Betul tak?

People only saw me as this confident, smart and intelligent, english talking girl who was good at public speaking and organising events. People liked me to a certain degree, lecturers adored me, juniours looked up to me, and people always expected me to be the "brain" behind an organisation. The sad thing about this was they didnt see me as a human being with feelings. I dont think they've ever saw me break down out of stress. Which is why, whenever someone is asked to describe me in one word, majority of them would say "Smart", "Intelligent" or "Genious". They didnt see anything else. They just saw that.

I do wonder about that sometimes. Why didnt people say I was kind hearted or thoughtful or dependable? Being smart or intelligent doesnt explain the individual within. Which is why I said that not many people know the real me. Its as if people never took the time to actually know me. They just thought of ways I can help them in their studies. Nothing more.

I am not the confident person people think I am. Knowning and having the ability to talk in front of a huge hall of people does not prove that you are strong and confident. You do need confidence to do public speaking, but it doesnt mean you are confident 24/7.

I am not the strong girl people think I am. I get scared and cry all the time. Its just that no one knows. I have self-esteem problems, I have personal issues, I get panic attacks, I sometimes feel stupid and useless. Im H.U.M.A.N.

Which is why the success I achieved at Uni was such a big deal for me. I cant really explain how huge it was. After the struggles Ive been thru, after the skeptics, the hard work, the stress, the long hours of staying up late, the tears and exhaustion, I finally made it and reached every single goal I promised myself at the very beginning. It was pure self satisfaction. It was awesome.

People might label me as a drama queen, or that Im making such a big deal out of this. But after the 6 years Ive been thru, I feel like I have the right to slap anyone who critises me. Everyone's journey is different, mine was a long, winding path, with lots and lots of speed bumps. So dont critisize other peoples journey. Just accept that Allah made us go thru all the things that will make us better people and better muslims.

Uni days were my glory days. I loved the attention, I loved being important and being someone. I loved how people came for me for help, how peoples looked up to me and valued my opinions. I loved how people loved talking to me and find me when they have problems. I loved being someone people relied on. No matter how I struggled, no matter how no one really wanted to know or cared about my problems, I still loved those studying days. I felt I exsisted, that I made change and that I helped make people become better people. I had a role, a responsibility, and I succeeded in accomplishing them.

I came out of Uni all enthusiastic, with my 5 year plan all mapped out. I was going to do this, this and this. I set my goals and wanted to accomplish this, this and this. Nothing was going to get in my way. I was so confident with myself (4 years of people saying to ur face that you are a confident person does that to you). After 5 years of failure after failure during highschool, and gaining it all back in Uni, I never tot of failing.

Now comes the story about how I ended up being depressed for nearly 3 months. I told you it was doing to be long.

After graduation, I oredi had a plan to further my studies and follow in Ayah's footsteps. I loved to help people, I loved to teach so I tot, why not.. becoming a lecturer would be awesome. Having had did great while studying something I loved, why not work doing something I love too.

I got this offer from my Uni to come and teach there. After an interview, out of the 70 applicants, they only choose 10, and I was among one of them. They offered to sponsor me straight to do MPhil. No advanced degree or masters. They wanted me to leap straight to MPhil and Phd bcause I qualified. That was a shock, and I was exstatic!

I was all geared up and applied at universities in UK. Got accepted and was ready to go on my way. Even the date was set. All I needed was the official green light from MARA and I would be off. But they told me that the process will take a long time, so for the time being, Ayah told me to go work at UTM.

I was called for an interview, passed and was told to fill in a form just to make it official. After 2 weeks, I received a call from UTM saying that there was a problem with my diploma and degree, and that UTM was only able to offer me pay based on my SPM results. But I will still be doing the job that I was interviewed for.

Oh my God. I felt like I was slapped in the face. Whaaaat? That was strike 1.

After all the 6 years of hard work, this is what I got? I cant explain the feeling. But I consoled myself by thinking "takpe-takpe, it doesnt effect ur plans"

By then, I hadnt heard from MARA or my Uni for almost 3 months. They told me I had to wait about 2 months. So I terus emailed my consultant asking the status of my file. A week after that, she replied. The email carried bad news.

My application to UK was denied.

Strike 2 and 3 but 100 times over.

YaAllah. I terus broke down and fell into this deep black whole. It was bad. Real bad. I cried everyday, when I woke up and before going to sleep. Always when people didnt see. I was in bed most of the time. I didnt want to get up, I was so tired and constantly had this headache from too much crying. I had no apetite. It was exhausting but I couldnt stop.

Maybe now you'll understand the dark and miserable posts I did in the middle of the year. I didnt tell anyone but Aliya. I kept it to myself. I didnt go out of the house for nearly 2 weeks. I didnt want to see anyone. I only told a handful of people what was going on. Even Mak and Ayah didnt know yet. I only told them after nearly a month. I couldnt face them. I couldnt tell them. I didnt want to disappoint them again. It felt like post-SPM all over again.

After the incident of my diploma and degree not being approved by UTM, it was as if the whole 6 years in between never exsisted. I was back to being a loser. You might think I was being ridiculus, but this was exactly how I felt.

I couldnt take it anymore. Where ever I went, people kept asking me about my studies. "Bile nak fly?" It was torture. So what did I do? I kept myself busy with other things. ABJZ, majlis ilmu, usrah, picnics, rehlah. I went to every thing that could distract me. But that can only last for so long. The questions kept coming my way and I felt like I was about to burst. I was starting to crack.

The reason why it affected me so much was bcoz I never had a plan B. I only had plan A. I never tot about what to do if my plan A didnt fall thru. I was sticked on going this way. So I felt so lost. I didnt know how to proceed. I didnt know what to do.

I had to think it thru, but it still hurt. I wasnt ready. And the distractions prevented me from sitting down and actually thinking. I was getting worst, so Aliya told me to come to Australia.

It was a good thing Mak and Ayah bagi. If not, I dont know what would have happened. So guys, the real real reason I went to Australia was to get better. Many of you tot I went there untuk jalan2, some even tot I went there to sambung my studies. But this was the real reason. I couldnt take it anymore. I needed to get away.

And Alhamdulillah it brought me good. Which is why I can finally write this here. I have been concealing most of it for so long, so I tot it was finally time to lay it all out on the table.

So guys, now you know the real me. Im not that strong. Orang je yang tak tahu.

Before you guys get the wrong idea, I didnt bcome like this bcoz I couldnt accept Allah's takdir. I accepted it, its the next step after that, that freaked me out and had me scared silly.

But everything has its hikmah. Alhamdulillah I didnt go to UK. Why? Ill tell you in another post. This one has gotten too long oredi.

This is my present to you guys. I hope by the end of this entry, everyone has gotten to know a little about the real girl behind this steal armor. And I hope you'll be able to understand me a little better.

Happy Birthday Amirah.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Big Elephant

*Ignore this post if you dont want to read a silly girl freak out* Im serious.

Well, I better get the big elephant out of the way. The big two-five is finally just around the corner. And I might just be starting to freak out.

Yeah yeah, well.. you know me, the big "drama queen". But come on. Reaching the two-five makes you realise that you have completed 25 years of your life. Its like a mildstone, a phase where you are expected to achieve something with ur life.

And where am I? Im practically back at home, jobless, penniless, and miserable. How pathetic is that? Real real pathetic.

The two-five birthday is supposed to represent an important juncture before that big three-O that you hope to achieve by the 30th year. When you hit thirty, you are supposed to be happily married with a good job and a nice house.

By the 25th year, people hope that they are well on their way to get settled within 5 years. It is the time to celebrate and appreciate the path that you have taken out to achieve your dreams. The 25th birthday signifies stability and foundation.

Which pathetically I dont have.

Daymmn this is sad.

But I do kinda have mixed feelings about this auspicious (yeah right *roll-eyes*) day. On a happier note, Im glad to say that Ive very much changed into someone much better than I was a year ago. I pray that Im constantly on the path to become a better servant, a better daughter, a better sister and a better friend InsyaAllah.

Im glad to report that people will see some change in my manner, my fikrah and my maturity. Im crossing my fingers on the last one :P Haha.

Eventhough, technically and emotionally I was more confident with myself a year ago, but give me some credit for trying to recover it right now. Im still working on it, so please pray that I become the strong, independent and confident women I used to be. I guess thats life -- it teachers you, it changes you and it hopefully makes you into someone better.

I wont say that the experiences Ive been thru has damaged me. I'd say that it made me look at the world a little differently. Im no longer the naive little girl who tot life was going to be easy. Boy, was I wrong. Having ur dreams shattered in front of ur very eyes tends to do that. Haha.

But all in all, a part of me is glad with what the past year has brought me. Im hoping the year to come to be filled with more experiences. Good and memorable ones I hope. Im tired of crying.

25 huh? Wau. Wierd. And Scary.

To think that my target to settle down was 22 during high school. That certainly isnt a target I will ever achieve. Haha.

To those who are thinking to surprise me or something, please dont. I think Im too old for that. Besides, I have to confess that Im more observant than usual during this time of the year. My detection radar is running at full pace, so nothing really gets by me. I doubt the success of it. Haha :P

To those who are thinking of buying me something special, by all means, please do. Hahahhaha :P. But a prayer for me would suit me much better (I wonder if this is really true? Hahaha)

To those who are thinking to konon-konon forget my birthday, please dont. It'll make me think that you've forgotten me oredi. Help my self esteem by at least acknowledging the day I was brought into the world.

I dont think Ill be celebrating this year. Why? Bcoz Ill have to go to Segamat for a Jom Jadi Bijak Camp. As a fasi, not a peserta.

Beyond Words

Assalamualaikum wrt wbt

Pergh, rasa mcm dah lama giler tak blog. What I mean about that statement ofkos is "dah lama tak duduk depan PC just for the sake of sitting down to blog and browse in a relaxing mood". This might be caused by the fact that I had my schedule full for the past month.

Hari ni baru boleh relax sikit. No rushing2 to meet datelines, go here and there to meet up with clients who want to change this and that, no updating modules for volunteer programmes (well, sbnrnye ade, but Im taking some time off today).

I dont even want to open my laptop if it can be helped. Right now Im blogging with the family PC downstairs. I dont want to switch on mine in fear that Ill be tempted to work :P Haha.

So why did I decide to cuti today? After a month of a fast-paced schedule, yesterday was the most exhausting and I guess my body finally told me "take a rest will you!". I think what made this happen was I didnt sleep the night before and it took a toll on me. My exhaustion finally caught up with me.

Tired? Yeah. Demotivated? No way! Haha

Okla, Ill blog later. Hopefully. Hehe.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

"We're Just Friends"

I think this video speaks all. Great advice, Baba Ali tells things as it is. No matter how bitter or how we want or dont want to accept it. What he says is the bitter truth. It is all now in our Iman and our hands to do what is right and what is wrong. Wallahu'alam.

I have to thank Umayr for giving this link.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Before This Gets Old

Assalamualaikum wrt wbt

Id like to give a loud shout out to my loyal readers -- who no doubt have been visiting my blog for the past few weeks, only to find it being exactly the same, with no new posts to read. Sorry folks. Ive been way busy for the past couple of weeks and only now do I have the time to write.

I know its nearly a month since I came back from Australia, so I think its best that I write about it now before it all gets basi. Yeah yeah, Im back home oredi Alhamdulillah. Back in my old bed, with my old pillows and my old clothes and my precious car. I have to admit that I missed my old navy blue car. Hehhe.

The day of my flight back home was a very emotional one. I had finished packing, and was watching "p/s: I love you" just to kill the time before Id take layth for some one and one bonding before I go home. Ive watched that movie lots of times, but since it was an emotional day, I ended up crying my eyes out. If you read how my state of mind was back then, you'd understand this. Haha.

Anyway, I ended up thinking about the 2 and a half months I stayed there and what good it has done to me. Having been influenced by the movie, I wrote Aliya a heartfelt letter conveying my gratitude for helping me recover. Yeah, I cried alrite -- all thru writing it and re-reading it. I was sad to leave. I was scared as well.

After that emotional part was over, it came for me to have a one and one time with Layth, just the two of us. Which is making me cry right at this moment just thinking about it. Layth, mangah rindu kat Layth la! :(

We went to the library and Layth got himself a huge heavy book about trains and airplanes. During the whole 2 hours, I kept repeating to him that I was going back home, that I was going to take the plane home back to "datuk's" house. And that he shouldnt look for me in the morning. Sedih kan? :(

Later that evening, Aliya took me for my last meal at Nila -- an indian restaurant which has the lamb briani that is to die for! Yummy!!

I certainly think so. Kalah nasi Mandy kat Ar-Rawsha. Hahhaha. Personally I like Nila's better.

Around 930p.m. Aliya brought Layth to my room for a last cuddle. He wasnt really feeling very well, so all he did was lay on me and watch a movie right there on the bed. It was so sweet! I loved that last cuddle. Isk isk.. sedihnye bile cite balik.

Then around 11p.m we started off to the airport. Web check-ins are awesome I tell you! No need to come 3 hours before the flight. All I needed to do was check in my luggage and I was off. At the gate, I gave Aliya the letter I wrote, hugged her for the last time, cried my eyes out (malu je nangis depan Abglong. haha), kissed Layth for the last time, said thanks to Abglong and walked off to the departure gate. I kinda walked quickly coz I didnt want to break down there in front of everyone. I guess my eyes were real read, and my face was covered in tears coz the man at the gate just smiled at me. I think I returned a weak smile back. Then one last glance at Aliya, Abglong and Layth, one last wave and I stepped in the international terminal.

Inside, after the customs check, I went straight to the toilet to cry some more and repair what damage I did to my face by crying. Sedih giler. Dalam terminal pun dah start rindu kat Aliya. Isk isk.

Ok enough about that. I think you can imagine how emotional the departure was for me. When I finally went into the plane, I relaxed a bit and decided that I might as well have some fun for the next 8 hours. Unfortunately, I got a seat beside this indian guy who wouldnt stop fidgeting! Ugh!! It was TORTURE I tell you!! Mengganggu orang je.

I ended only getting ONE hour of sleep. Ugh. I was starting to get grumpy. Rasa mcm nak pusing kat mamat ni and say "Can you PLEASE stop fidgeting?!!". Nak bagi gambaran how annoying it was, mcm orang dadah tak dpt dadah. Ha, mcm tu la. Geram aku.

To compensate, I spent my time watching movies! Hahhaha. I watched Transformers 2 (for the first time! One word to describe: AWESOME!!). I watched that 2 times, and watched The Proposal. Got some yummy plane food (MAS punye food are the BEST ever). Alhamdulillah the flight was also great. Not like the last time.

I touched down around 6.a.m about an hour early. And waited for Ayah to fetch me. Hehhe.. You know how our luggage always comes out lambat, so I took my own sweet time in the international terminal before coming out.

After jumpa Ayah and Aimi (surprise!), we went to send Ayah to his meeting place, me and Aimi went to get some breakfast, and went straight to Uswah's house! Hehehhehehe. That was great!

After a few hours, I went straight to Kak Has's house where the Plusticks (this is what my geng of 11 girl friends call ourselves) were hosting their openhouse. I think I'll do another entry about the openhouse. Anyways, no one knew I was coming except Ju and Pia. So you can imagine how surprised everyone else was! hahahhahahahahha. All the details will be in another entry. Promise. Hehhe.

Until then, Im going to leave everyone with this video I did. Enjoy! :D

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Just Like A Bee

Hmm okey. Its Tuesday and I did promise to do a post this week to Aliya. Having been home for more than 2 weeks, I should have had things settled by now.

But guess what. I was automatically sucked into this vessel of busy-ness.

Like right now for instance, Im writing this only bcoz Im waiting for the computer to scan my hardisk for viruses. Having it been transferred from one computer to the other, one can never be too careful about viruses. And since this hardisk is huge, its gonna take a while until its finished. And I cant continue my work before its confirmed without viruses that may attack my computer. Haha.. Im starting to babble. This is what happens when I havent blogged for so long.

It been rather hectic. Lots of things to do, lots of projects to complete, programmes to organise and attend. This weekend alone, I was out of the house at dawn and came home at night. Full schedule. One thing after the other, absolutely no room for a breather. And Im exhausted.

But I have to confess that I LOVE this -- being busy and being important to someone or a group or an organisation, even a jamaah. But I do love being busy. It reminds me of my MPP days. *sigh* those days were hectic, but I was enjoying myself eventhough I always came home late and exhausted at the end of the day. It was self satisfaction knowing that I was somewhat responsible for helping people and make something right.

Anyway, this entry was mainly to explain my lack of posts these past few weeks. Ill have to take a day off just to update about EVERYTHING. But not today, maybe not even this week. Next week. Maybe. Hahha. We'll see.

Sorry to my friends who Ive been ignoring. And those whoes YM msg I didnt reply, or tak layan ke ape. Or maybe seem like I was diliberatly avoiding. Bukan taknak, just tak sempat. Ill try make it up to everyone later ok. Right now, Im swamped. Haha.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Transition Period

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Heya everyone! :D Yeah, Im finally blogging again. Sorry for the nearly 2 week absence. Lots have happened.

One of them being my body taking a week to get over its jet lag. Haha. Lama ek. I kept falling asleep at 9p.m. and waking up way early in the morning. Haha

Two, the process of getting used to the temperature of home again. Hehhehe. Ngade2 ek. But I had a constant headache for more than 3 days coz of the heat. Nasib baik ade aircond, kalau tak, my head would have burst of a heat stroke.

Anyway, this is just a short entry. Ill write again another time. Tmrw maybe. Haha.. we'll see. I just needed to write something, anything so that people will stop getting worried where Ive been. Hehhehhe.

Ok, laters y'all :D

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Being Sentimental

As I go thru my nightly ritual of going to bed tonight, I got this sudden urge to blog.

The lights are already off mind you. But Im sitting on the bed, with the laptop in front of me, in the dark with only the light from the electric heater and the computer screen to brighten my night.

I have my current playlist on to accompany me, and I have a fanfic oredi opened on Chapter 3 for my before bed reading.

I just finished praying Isya' and suddenly realised that tonight is my last night sleeping at Aliya's house. This sad feeling started to creap into me, and the sudden thought of not knowing when Ill be back makes me wanna cry.

Although Im writing this post tonight, it will only be published when Im oredi back in Malaysia. This is becoz I dont wanna spoil this surprise I have planned -- coz my friends whom Im planning to surprise read my blog. So this entry will only appear more than 24 hours after I write it. And you know what..? Im actually having trouble deciding if I should write it in present tense or past tense! Hahahhha. Confiusing btul la. :P

Ok, so before I sleep tonight, I tot (for sentimental reasons) I should put something in ma blog. You know what Im going to miss most about sleeping here? The cool temperature, not sweating while sleeping, the warm feeling being inside and wrapped with the covers, and most of all, the quiet and peaceful sound of the night when I wake up for qiam. No distractions. Its so peaceful not hearing anything but the sound of your heartbeat and reading.

At first, it was rather scary. Sleeping at home used to be so noisy. The constant sound of the kipas or aircond. Rasa mcm secure coz you know ade sounds around you therefore ade people with you. Here, its seriously so quiet. And in the dead of the night, your imagination starts going wild. Haha. It took sometime to get used to it. I used to switch on nasyid or music in very low volumes just to fill the silence.

But as time goes by, Ive gotten used to it. And it makes me wonder, when I get home, if Ill be able to get used to the sounds pulak. Not home as in Johor-- itu mmg definitely la comfortable kan. Dah nama katil sendiri (wau I miss my katil). I meant other places.

My first night in Malaysia wont be at home, itll be at my friend's house. I wonder if Ill be able to sleep tightly.

I guess Im gonna have to wait and see. But bile pk balik, I might be too tired to think about it anyway -- with the jetlag and all -- AND the day filled with activities. Its sure to be exhausting.

Anyhow, as it is my last night in Australia, Id like to wish everyone a very Good Night. Pray for dreams of Heaven. May we be alive in the morning to continue our journey towards achieving Allah's Rahmah and Barakah. Ameen.

Sleep tight everyone :)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Medieval Sunday Cont' (Modified)

Ok so as promised, (although a day late -- I didnt have the mood to write yesterday) here's some explanation about what else happened on our trip.

I have to admit that Ive always found past eras fascinating. Although the medieval time was somewhat scary (I just realised this to tell you the truth), I cant deny my fascination. Its just so different from what we see today. Im also amazed by how people lived back then, how they coped, how the survived.

But there are things which Im appalled at -- this being how they tortured people. Oh my God! Its ghastly! And shocking and repulsive and horrifying! Seriously!

I went into one of their display rooms, which displayed torture tools. This isnt the wax torture chamber ok, that one was dreadful! These were just the tools.

Among the few things that I remembered was this huge iron boot. At a first glance, it looked too big for wearing. But as I read the description, it made my eyes widen with horror! They used to put a persons foot in there and add in hot boiling oil along with it. This -- as the description explained -- was to make the prisoner feel pain so that they will confess whatever they were accused of. Oh my God.

There was also this iron mask with a long tube-like hole at its mouth. At first, it reminded me of the story "The Man in the Iron Mask". But its use was nothing compared to what they did in that story. THIS iron mask (as explained) was fastened to a person's head which forced it's mouth to be opened. Then they would torture this pitiful person by inserting hot oil in their mouth -- burning his tougue. Can you just imagine? Kite ni, minum air teh panas sikit dah terbakar lidah, apetah lagi HOT oil (which maintains the high temperature longer than water). YaAllah, zalim giler!

There were so many more gruesome things they had, but as I read on, it got more and more awful, so I stopped looking at the displays. But it was nothing short of sheer brutality and sadism. It was as if these people spent their time thinking about ways to inflict the most pain in people.

The was torture chamber looked like a nightmare! It reminds me of all the punishments Allah has promised to those who are disobedient to His commands. It looked like Hell on earth. In fact, it might have been just that during that time. A place absolutely no one wanted to end up.

Here are a few other torture tools they had:

Did I mention that this HURT? Lenguh tak terkata. Baru pakai for like 2 minutes to take a picture and ur back feels terrible once you try to stand back up. But in the picture, I was just pretending :P Haha.

Layth was playing with this. Only after wards did I find out it was the torture tool where they strapped a person's hands on one end and his feet on the other, then they streeeeeeeeeeeetched him out. Ugh. But for those who have this desire to be taller (or 'loooonger') can always try this method :P Hahhaha.

Here's me and Layth on this cute beautiful little meadow behind a chappel. When I think meadow, it reminds me of Edward & Bella's meadow :P Hahahhahaha (sape tak paham angkat tangan! :D)

The knights of the round table. Did you know that people used to say the round table was 'evil' and was formed by witchcraft? Hahhaha. Its just round la dude. Duh.

Here's Layth enjoying himself in the stone maze. Did I mention.. eh wait.. I think I oredi wrote about the maze in my previous entry :P Haha.

We had lunch under the shade. It was bright and sunny, but cold. Everytime the wind came, I shivered. Haha. Comel je gambar ni, Layth tgh semangat buat peace :D Hehe

Kryal Castle had several 'demonstrations' thru the day. I was actually looking forward for the Jousting demonstration, but as it turned out, they changed it to a whipping demo. Haha. Oh okeyyyyy.. tak kesah laa. Haha. But me and Aliya were a wee bit disappointed.

After lunch, we went to the 'arena' to watch the demonstration. Below: Me and Layth on the very top step of the 'arena'. We just tot the scenery was awesome *wide-grin* so we took pictures to wait for the show to start.

Here's a long distance picture of the 'show', which although funny, could have been much much better. They acted out -- the girl was accused of witchcraft. Although it was seriously unrealistic, the girl's screams were scary! Hahha. And they actually had fun with it. I laughed throughout the show. Hahhahah.

Anyway, talking about this castle, they should have made it better. In fact, they could! The place has polential, but they didnt use it to its advantage. Since Aliya and I have been reading a lot about this era (history, storybooks, novels, just plain information), we came up with all sorts of things they could have done, and could attract MORE people. Not to mention money worthy. When we went in it was like "Ni je untuk 20 bucks?".

I think the management of the place should read more. And be more creative. They could even take Sovereign Hill as an example! Now THERE's an interesting place to go visit.

But in the end, Aliya concluded that maybe they didnt put much effort into Kryal Castle coz it wasnt their (meaning Australia's) history. I have to admit, it was funny listening to them conversing the medeival language in an australian accent. Hahhahha.

Again, they could have made it much better.

I love horses, but I have this slight fear of animals -- mainly bcoz they are so unpredictable. AND they can bite! Yikes :P

All in all, we had a great time. Thanks Aliya! Love you lots and lots. Kesian Aliya, byk habis duit bawak me jenjalan merata. But it did me good. Thank you sis *hugs&kisses* =)