Thursday, October 13, 2005

Depression Con't

The very next day, was Voting Day. I wore all black. I don’t know why, maybe bcoz I didn’t have the mood to wear something with bright colours. If I did, it would be a contrast of feelings and emotions. So I wore black to represent how I felt inside.
I didn’t even paste any posters. Kali ni punye perang poster tak meriah sgt. Yang semangat budak2 baru je. People kept asking me about my poster. “Mira tak tampal poster ke?” “Mane poster mira? Meh la org boleh tolong tampalkan”. My answer was “takpe lah, but thank you for offering”

I didn’t want to win. That’s why. I didn’t wanna tayang muka sana sini. I didn’t have the confidence nor was I eager to compete.

I wanted to smile that morning. BUT.. seeing the reaction of the people around me, I lost the nerve. People kept avoiding my look every time I pass them. The ones who used to smile at me and tegur, didn’t anymore. Oh my God, did my speech yesterday make things worst?

When I talked about it to Ju, she told me to envision myself in their situation. If for instance Kakaput gave such a speech, and you were one of those people who kutuk you behind your back, how would you react if you were to bertembung dengan die? When I thought about it, I got the picture. Maybe people were segan with me, or maybe even afraid. I felt better after that.

I did my duty of voting in the wee morning, because I didn’t want to be in a crowded room during lunch hour. At that moment, I didn’t have the confidence to go to a large area of students. I wasn’t brave enough to show my face. Let alone speak in front of them. I would avoid such an event.

One thing that made my self-esteem go way down was the incident where I was talking pass a group of boys.. as I was walking, one of them was acting like he was crying, the other tengah pujuk “..jangan la nangis..” Yang tengah berlakon nangis tu tersedu sedu kat situ. Then they laughed out loud together. Ya Allah.. How cruel can you get? I stopped, STARED at them.. (yang sedihnye, org yang buat tu org yang I know!).. they stopped after that.

That’s how my week went. Full of tears. Sad isn’t it? Sometimes the reality of life gets to you. I never used to take note of the things people say, coz you know what you do is right. But after two years, maybe my tank is full. I don’t think I can take it anymore.

YaAllah, give me patience. I really need it. Help me YaAllah.

My Depression Week

Let us continue shall we? Ok, so the week after the sports carnival unfortunately was my depression week. Since the carnival lasted for two days, we all still had to attend kuliah on Monday. I arrived at class exhausted. It was clearly shown on my face because many people yang tegur.

The day was okey, until I found myself sitting alone in the JPP Meeting room looking at the Sports photo's. I sadly realized that there wasn't evidence that I was even present for those two days. My picture tak sampai kiraan sebelah tangan pun. That feeling of sadness finally lead to disappointment when I recalled the speech from the Project Manager who never even thanked me nor even mentioned my name. Sedihnye. Penat kita buat keje. Terkejar sana terkejar sini, but no one had the decency to say thank you. How pathetic is that?

I was still able to control my emotions by then, I was just feeling down. Then during lunch hour, some of the boys came into the JPP Room to see the pictures in my laptop. After dah kecoh2 tengok, I was left alone again. Then came a junior of mine who came to me and repeated a few things people are saying about me behind my back. For instance, “..tak puas hati la, kakmira tak reti handle..”. Then this junior told me that my name was effected bcoz of this stupid sports carnival.

I’d like to ask you, how would you feel if with already a disappointed feeling inside, someone came to you and said that? I was at that moment exhausted of doing tasks which wasn’t mine in the first place and with a feeling of not being appreciated, how would you feel? At that time, I just couldn’t control myself. I left the room until I was able to control myself. I also went down to express my depression to Ms Put. That was the last straw, I was officially depressed.

I wasn’t mad at the people who said bad things about me, I wasn’t angry. I was just sad. They don’t really know what I had to go thru to make the stupid sports carnival go on as it went. The hardship I had to go thru to find a canopy and P.A System which the useless project manager didn’t put in the budget. Could you imagine how frustrating it was trying to find the money for that? Was the project manager even concerned about such things? NO, he didn’t even care. Die yang tak masukkan budget, saya yang kene. Menyusahkan org btul. I had to go all the way to PORT KLANG to borrow the canopy. I had to go see the P.A System punye orang on a SATURDAY, just so that the sports opening ceremony would go as planned. I had to go all the way to Wangsa Maju to find helium for the balloon releasing ceremony. At the same time, I still had my assignments, tests and quizzes. Same as the other student. I had to juggle my tasks. But was I appreciated? NO. Not one single bit.

I’m not trying to bring up the things I have done and sacrificed. But when people say things behind ur back without knowing the real situation, you just give up.

Did I mention that the election was also running at the same time? My name was nominated again. But after what happened, I didn’t have ANY enthusiasm to compete. I even made a decision to withdraw from the competition. But people wouldn’t let me. Come one, I’m tired. I’ve been a Student Representative Council member for two years already, I’ve had enough. I need a rest for once in a while.

People say I don’t know how to do my job, then please let me withdraw and go low-profile for a while. I’ve had enough, with the bad experience I had with the previous group, I don’t want to anymore. But, permission wasn’t granted from the HEP. They said that this time the group of people were different, so it would be a new and fresh experience. So I was to compete, but with a huge reluctance.

Man.. what a bad week. I cried most of the time. During the manifesto delivery, I requested to speak last. In the line of 16 candidates, only two people was with experience. Me and Syed. I was the only one from the previous group of SRC. So En Kasman let me talk last.

My speech was different compared to the others whom were excited and enthusiastic. I was depressed and sad during that time, so my speech conveyed such emotion. Let me write down my speech.

Assalamualaikum wrt wbt
First of all, thank you for coming.
I have nothing much to say, only that I have had many experiences dealing with students and the management. I have fought for them, I have had the experience of defending them.

It’s really sad to hear students say I don’t know how to do my job. I don’t mind really, its just that many don’t know how hard it really is. We are dealing with human beings. Just remembers, we’re never able to satisfy every single one of you. NO

Running for JPP is not for popularity, not for free things, not for publicity. NO. Its is a very BIG and HEAVY responsibility. Don’t fight for the wrong reasons. I don’t want anyone of you to fight for the wrong reasons. Fight becoz you know you are capable of holding this huge responsibility and able to face what is to come in the future.

Since people say I don’t know how to do my job, with this I would like to take the opportunity to apologize for any weaknesses from my part.

But if you still see me as a capable candidate, if you still believe I can fight for you, I can defend your rights, then by all means, you can vote for me.

Thank you.

Fuh. How did you find my speech? I said that with full emotion. The big letters were the places where I stressed my intonation. During the whole time, I was controlling not to cry. I was THAT sad and depressed. The whole library was totally quiet. Some were watching my face, others were looking at the floor avoiding my eyes.

After my speech, I felt refreshed. Maybe I just needed to let it all out. I was able to smile once in a while again.

Ok, I’ll continue after this..

Thursday, October 06, 2005

As time goes by..

When was the last time I wrote in this blog of mine? Seems like I keep beginning the posts in with such sentences. Hmm.. ntah, mcm dah takde feel nak tulis. Dahlah busy, nak bukak email pun tak sempat. Ape lagi nak tulis kat dalam blog ni.

Today is the second day of Ramadhan, but it doesn’t feel like Ramadhan. Why don’t I feel the biah of Ramadhan? Ape jadi ek? Dulu waktu hari first, semua seronok, boleh rasa nak masuk Ramadhan. Kali ni punye..? Hish, sedih btul lah.

A lot of things have been happening…

Sports Carnival

Let’s start with that. If only you could see my reaction to the word “Sports Carnival”. I don’t like this word at the moment, because this word and the things associated to it is the main reason for my depression week. (I’ll talk about that later)

This time punye sports was the first time we divided all the courses in IIM into contingents. So we had to fight among teams. Same as the concept waktu sukan kat sekolah dulu. Since there are a lot of courses in IIM, there were teams that were combined, and divided. So in the end, there were 7 contingents altogether.

The sports yang dipertandingkan were tennis, football, netball, volleyball, badminton, sepak takraw, ping pong, and indoor games such as carom, dart and chess.

It was grand of course, because before this, the sports day would only consist of netball, football and sukaneka.

Being so, I would say that the committee wasn’t really organized. I’m sorry to say that our Project Manager was hopeless. So sorry, but that is the truth. Sometimes the truth does hurt, but we have to face it.

Just imagine, one week before the actual event the proposal pun tak submit lagi. AND he did the proposal all by himself, without ever discussing it with anyone. When kene tegur by Ms Put, all he could say was “Nak letak jawatan lah macam ni” YaAllah, sbr je lah. Tak buat pape lagi dah ckp mcm tu. Tu baru kene tegur, belum kene marah lagi.

I finally gave up on him when he didn’t attend the last preparation meeting. My God, PROJECT MANAGER ok. Mane boleh project manager tak dtg meeting. Semua bengang. When I asked him the next day why he didn’t come to the meeting, he could ask me back “Ade meeting ke kak?” YaAllah! Aku lempang jugak budak ni, biar die sedar sikit.

Then he asked me, “Akak, persediaan untuk indoor games hari ni dah siap?”. Ewah.. sedapnye mulut die tanye. Waktu tu dah tengah panas.. I asked him back “Itu sbnrnye keje akak ke keje awak?” Guess what he answered, “Keje akak la” Huh?? Excuse me?? Keje saye? When we finished that discussion, he went out of the room banging the door. Fed up btul perangan budak2 mcm ni. Skrg ni panggil budak je la, sbb perangai btul2 mcm budak.

The two days of sports was really tiring. Both days I arrived home late and exhausted. Malas nak cite ape jadi, sbb banyak sgt benda yang jadi. Yang best, yang tak best. All I can say is that I was ended up doing this useless project manager’s work. During these two days, the only thing he did was sit and watch. The committee members terkejar sane sini, die boleh duduk dalam dewan badminton mengorat. Get the picture?

During the closing and prize giving ceremony, this project manager gave a speech. He said thank you to all the committee members, siap sebut nama sorang2.. EXCEPT me who was sitting right beside him. YaAllah.. Only God knows how down and how unappreciated I felt.

Anyhow, I’m just glad its over. I just wanna say thank you to all the people who HELPED in organizing this huge event. Alhamdulillah. Special thanks to Shah who had to face all the pressure that arose. He is such a patient person. Congratulations =)

Also to Faizura and the others. Thanks a bunch for making my task easier. Forgive me for all the mistakes and weaknesses from my part. I hope we all can improve ourselves in the future.