Hmm.. this is what happens when people keep asking me to update my blog. Sekali update, berlambak terus. Haha.
When I switched on the computer today, I had no idea what to write about. In fact, as Im currently typing, I still havent a clue. But I felt like I needed to vent out. I havent figured out what's bothering me yet, but as I write, Im sure it'll come out soon enough. Ive always wrote from the heart and I'll not be stopping anytime soon.
The 2 and a half months Ive spend here has certainly been good for me. Im smiling more. Sincerely if I might add. I laugh more, and I talk my heart out more. Unfortunately, Aliya la jadi mangsa. Haha.
After 2 months, I no longer feel the need to cry myself to sleep anymore alhamdulillah.
But having settled my emotional state here, I have to admit that Im dreading coming home. Its not that I dont miss my family. I miss Mak's cooking, Ayah's jokes, Aida's laughs and Ahmad's clowning. Aimi, well she hasnt really been home that much before pun, so she's always missed no matter what.
Im dreading coming back to reality. Here, I dont have to deal with anything that much. In fact, all I do is think. When I come home, it would be action time. And having had a bunch of bumps along the way, I dread what is to come my way.
Ive made lots of mistakes, wrong decisions. As my return date looms closer, the consequences of those wrong decisions start haunting my dreams at night. Hasty climbs have sudden falls. I learnt that the hard way.
When I come home, I'll need to do some deciding. And that is freaking me out. Im scared out of my wits.
Suddenly I am reminded of a vaguely similar post I did the last time I was about to come back home from Australia. Last year. But that was in my old blog. I think I had nearly the same feeling. But this time around, it's 10x that feeling. Back then I was clueless. Now..? I dont know. Just scared I think.
I'll also be bombarded with questions. No doubt about it. And let me assure you that I'll be keeping my distance from public gatherings for a while. Im not looking forward to the questions that people are certainly going to ask me. I dont think Ill be able to get away from those. Im dreading the hurt it will cause me each time such questions are asked, and a long explanation is required. Im hyperventilating just thinking about it. Ugh.
To those who know my situation, Id really really really appreciate it if you dont ask questions I dont wanna hear. I'll tell you in my own time ok. Be patient. I will tell you. Just dont ask me first.
This isnt a fairytale. This is something called life. Who said it was going to be easy.