Saturday, January 21, 2012
Trying to be the Matured Adult
Assalamualaikum WRT WBT
You know how you're supposed to let out all your emotions before bed? Well, actually the practice is to forgive everyone before sleeping at night. Like the sahabah who Rasulullah s.a.w mentioned is one of the ahlul Jannah, where his practice was forgiving everyone before going to bed. I know why this sahabah was so praised and mentioned by our Prophet, and how he actually gained the title of ahlul Jannah. Because, forgiving people before bed is something only the patient and CLEAN hearted can do. Only the people who do not take an emotion too seriously, and those who thoroughly believe in the meaning of patience. Only those who have a very high regard for hikmah behind everything that happens, and those who's Iman is at a high level indeed. It is not as easy as it sounds.
Unfortunately, I am not yet at that level :(
Don't get me wrong, I am trying. The effort of being this calm patient person is getting there. I find that I am able to control my emotions at certain times and certain surroundings. This I found out during this 2nd year of PhD. It really makes you more mature, with high frequency of rejections coming your way. From grant applications, to brush offs from experts (whom you ask to help you with your research), to difficult students in class, to the long long long process of applying just anything for that matter, AND not forgetting the difficult scheduling and bureaucracy of industrial companies. The list is overwhelming I tell you.
So yes, you grow during this whole process. That is why PhD is called an education, because it really really educates you in ways you never knew possible.
However, during the odd times this half-patient-little-old-me is no where to be found, ahaa.. then ofkos the green monster will come out of its hiding place. And please people, I do not like to bring it out.
Tonight, (unfortunately) I HAVE to do a little complaining about a group of people so that I can keep this green monster in check. I would love to just shove it back in its cave (where it belongs), but what I can say is that one foot is already out of the mouth of the cave. So I would like to vent tonight before going to sleep.
I do not show this green creature in me to those who do not make my life difficult. Even so, I always practice this 3 strike rule. This ofkos means that you will only get 3 chances from me. Those 3 chances pulak, means that the strikes only count if and only if you do not apologise. If the apology is sincere, then those strikes will be deducted. So just imagine how patient I really am. IF Im angry at you and you hear my voice rising, or you see it from my actions, THIS means that its been 3 strikes and you're out. Be GONE with you because I will no longer layan you or all your begging.
So comes the venting out. Dont worry, I highly doubt you will even understand. And I doubt you'll even be able to guess who I am talking to. So if you dont wanna see this half ugly green monster in me, then just stop reading. Stop right here.
Seriously. Stop reading.
Ya Allah, grant me the patience I seriously need right now. I am so ANGRY! I cannot even look at them. If they feel like I am just a hassle to them, just a pain in the rear end, then just say so and I will not even bother them.
At which part of "I am only here to help you" don't they understand?
And if advises are ignored and pushed aside, then all I can say is a sarcastic good luck.
Please forgive me on this post. I wrote a whole lot more, but decided (maturely) that it would be so childish of me to write (a.k.a say) things that I might regret at a later date. I pray that Allah grant me the wisdom I obviously need right now to handle this situation. And that misunderstandings can be avoided. Ya Allah, please make my niat sincere. Please help me share my knowledge and my experience to those who would really appreciate it and those who will actually benefit from it.