Thursday, January 05, 2012

A Tug in Your Heart

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

As I sit trying to blog, I find myself opening a sad instrumental song. And ofkos what we listen to at a specific time will always influence our emotion. And this melody, although so beautiful is making me think of so many sad things.

When I close my eyes, its like everything that has ever made me sad, made me cry, is passing before my eyes. Reluctantly, you feel so vulnerable.

Have you ever felt like you'd just want to cry more and more during upsetting events in life. Even though you already know you're sad, you just want to feel awful and force every single tear out of you.

Have you ever felt so lost and so far away from Allah that you think He won't listen to you anymore, that He has forgotten about you and that all your prayers are like bubbles in the wind - so fragile and insignificant? You feel the distance between you and Him is getting wider and wider that you have no idea how to feel worthy anymore. You feel like your prayers five times a day is so routine that you can't feel Him with you with every sujud and ruqu'. You feel like your prayer after solat is just something you repeat every single day that the meaning behind what you are saying doesnt affect you anymore.

You feel that something is wrong with you, that you've done so many sins that you are just like a speck in the wind.

You start thinking about what will happen to you if your life is suddenly taken. Consequences of past actions that you havent asked for forgiveness yet. You think about how to survive His wrath, His anger and His warnings. You feel like crying your heart out. You feel that you need to do something to get rid of this awful feeling, to get out of this disappointing situation.

Have you ever once felt that way? I have. There are always times these thoughts creep into my head.

But dear friends, please don't worry if you have felt the same way. In life, there are always times when we feel like jumping off a cliff. There will be times when you just want to stay under the covers, just be alone and think. There will be days when all you want to do is cry, that you want nothing to do with what's happening in your life. The feeling of running away from life, get out and not think.

There will be a time when you just need a good shout to release what you've been keeping inside. That's what it means by being Human.

Allah says:

“....And never give up hope of Allah's Mercy. Certainly, no one despairs of Allah's Mercy, except the people who disbelieve.” Yusuf : 87

Dearest friends, these emotions are gifts from Allah. He made us feel sad, He made us feel guilty for past mistakes, He made that tug in our heart, He made those tears come out. And it is with these emotions we rethink our life, the journey we are on whether it is towards the right path or not.

It is with these feelings, Allah is reminding us of Him. Making us reflect on what we have been doing, letting us know that He wants us to come back to Him. So never ever give up on Him.

Allah says:

“And whosoever does evil or wrongs himself but afterwards seeks Allah's forgiveness, he will find Allah Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” An-Nisa: 110. 

So be grateful for those tears. For all the emotions we feel. Be grateful just because we can feel. Crying cleanses the soul. So do not be embarrassed by your tears.

Just remember, tears that are evoked by the fear of death will be the source that saves us from the fires in hell. May it be a reminder to us all.

p/s: I attach the song I was listening to when I wrote this post

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