Monday, August 01, 2011

Rahsia itu hanya Kau yang Tahu

Asslamualaikum WRT WBT

Alhamdulillah, I finally find time to write again. How is everyone? I pray that you're in the best of health, happy and cheerful with the coming of Ramadhan. Before I begin writing what I really wanted to write about, I should take this opportunity to wish all my brothers and sisters of the same faith a Happy Ramadhan.

For those who are my FB friends, I've already shared this e-card with you. So this one is for my other friends out there. Who ever you are. I pray that one day, we can actually become friends, not just reading from a distance.

As Ramadhan is starting to begin, I always find myself overly emotional. Every year it's like that. I become more aware of my feelings, Im easily touched with words, I cry a lot -- even for small things. Its easier to feel, to understand and to accept any sort of teguran. The feelings come from deep within, rather than be on the surface. I guess this is because the influence of syaitan isn't there. What we do and what we feel, everything is from the 'real' us.

I've always loved Ramadhan. It's a month that I always feel so much closer to Allah. It's a month of devotion, a month of being the best Muslim you can be. I've always found myself more hardworking, more sincere and more patient. I love the me I become during Ramadhan.

Before I explained what happened to me today, I have to tell the story from the beginning.

Take note, this is going to be VERY long and girly. Full of emotional explanations and mostlikely you wont understand because you've never watched and movie or the series.

Since the movies came out -- I'm referring to Ketika Cinta Bertasbih 1 and 2, I've been such a huge fan. Whenever I feel down, and have the time to entertain myself, I watch this movie. Ive never read the books, but I've watched the movies so many times that I can practically remember the dialog. If you ask my sister Aida, she'll say "asyik cerita ni je!".

But yes, the message in these movies have been my source of comfort for quite a while. The reminders in the movie has brought back my feeling of hope. I feel very juvenile admitting this out loud, but no matter how old we are and how mature we look, there will always be a small part of us that's still a kid.

I always find myself tearing up watching these two movies. Maybe because I can relate with the story line.

Last 2 weeks, I found out that the writer of these stories decided to make a series, as a continuation of the movie. I was so ecstatic! You can't imagine how excited. I've never been able to stand Indonesian series. They keep going on and on. But, this movie and series is so different.

This is the BEST Islamic movie and series Ive ever watched yet. Why? Because the actors aren't hypocrites. They were picked based on their Arabic fluency, on their understanding and practice of Islam, based on their ability to memorise the Quran and Hadith. When they talk about Islam in the movie/series, they actually mean it because they actually practice the REAL Islam. They dont touch, they ALWAYS cover their aurat and they always quote the Quran and Hadith. They give real and true advice, and they convey the REAL Islam in the story. Subahanallah, just wonderful.

The last couple of episodes have given a huge impact on me. Maybe because I've somewhat experienced the same thing. Remember how I mentioned that my feelings are on high mode during Ramadhan? We'll, I've been tearing up since writing this post. I don't know how to explain my feelings at the moment.

Let's just say that I know a little bit of how Husna in the story feels. I felt my heart skip a beat when she cried. I could personally feel how hurt she felt, even though my situation didnt really go as far as hers.

I keep watching the series because I want to find out how people deal with what I've been thru the best way. Like in the series, no matter how much advice we give others, when it happens to us, its so hard to listen to our own advice. We give advice to others with only a small portion of empathy. But when it happens to us, our heart and mind are influenced by emotion. So it's so hard to be rational.

I know Aliya will scold me for this, but I still pray for what I wish happened a few months back. I keep praying that things get better and that Allah ease the journey if He planned such outcome for me. I'm still like Husna, hoping and praying that I get my other half, even though things have been rough, with all sorts of obstacles in the way. How Husna handled her situation, was practically the same as how I handled it. Get busy with work so that I wouldnt have time to dwell on it. I thought my plan was solid. But.. When you find yourself alone, your mind tends to wonder off.

I can also relate to how Ilyas felt. How helpless he felt, how even if he tried, he can't change other ppl's minds. How much he hurt cos he couldn't have the person he chose. How lost he felt when he couldn't change the situation. All he could do was pray and hope.

In the movie, there was the conflict of Azzam wanting to marry Anna who has higher education qualifications, and Azzam who was discouraged because there was the mention of 'expectations' of the society. They faced so many tests, so many tribulations, but in the end, they ended up together because as all Muslimah wants, a husband who has a strong Islamic background.

Its sad to think that I find comfort in this story. Even though the story makes me cry and laugh and cry again, I keep watching it. I can't really talk to anyone about what's been happening, about my disappointments and my broken heart. I've been bottling it all up since it happened. I've been trying so hard to forget about it, to get over it, but I haven't really succeeded. And I know that I won't be able to recover until I do. But I don't want to tell anyone, because no one would really understand.

I've heard all sort of advice from others, on how to think positive. That InsyaAllah Allah will find me someone who is much better. Yes, I know. The story about Ummu Salamah has been an inspiration. But my feeling of hope is still there. This might just be a test from Allah so see at which level my Iman really is. So I am not giving up. I will only stop praying and hoping when I hear the word nikah from the other party. Only then, will I stop.

And if during this whole journey, someone better actually comes along, I'll accept with open arms. Because no matter how we plan, pray and hope, only He knows which path and which person is the best for us. I'm just going to be patient. Make me strong Ya Allah.

I told you it was going to be girly and emotional. Don't say I didn't warn you.

To finish this post of, I'm posting a video. The lyrics are really meaningful to me. And the song is from the movie above.

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