Tuesday, June 17, 2014

I Am Unworthy

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Yesterday was a funny day. I'm not sure how to tell you about it, but I will try.

The day started like any other day. I was feeling rather unproductive at the office, maybe because the undergrad students in our building have finished their exams, so it's rather quiet here.

As the day progressed, I received a message from one of my friend's mother on FB. We were chatting and suddenly she said something that made me stop multi-tasking (I was actually on my laptop doing some reading). She said to me "Thank you for being best friends with my daughter".

I was taken aback. Ya Allah. Never in my life have I ever had anyone's mother say that to me. Ya Allah. I was speechless. She really doesn't know how much I appreciate her daughter's friendship. It's a friendship that I value very much. A friendship that I will bring wherever I am, till Jannah insyaAllah.

And then she started saying prayers for me and gave me a bunch of heartwarming advice. Thank you makcik. It is so beautiful how Allah sends you people who remind you of Him out of the blue. People who remind you to keep Allah close and remind you how the tribulations Allah makes you go thru is His way of showing His love for you.

I was very moved with what she said to me.

Then I contacted my bestie to tell her what her mother said to me. And I got another heart stopping moment. She told me about how her mother always asks about me, and what her mother said about me. I had tears in my eyes. Ya Allah. I cannot believe the beautiful hearts the people around me have. I left so loved. Ya Allah, please bless them.

But it made me sit down and think.

Later in the day, the whatsapp group that consist of a bunch of girlfriends from high school started being really active. Message after message. My phone was vibrating like crazy, so I picked it up to see what the conversation was about. As everyone was joining in the conversation, the group came to life. We rarely have stuff to talk about, but yesterday was a blast.

As I was suggesting a reunion for Eid, we were trying to decide on the location. Since most of friends from my batch are in the Klang Valley, I suggested that we do the get together in KL rather than in JB (coz not many of us are left here -- which is what I said.) Then one of my friends said something that also startled me.

It was along the lines of "In JB there is You who is Qawiyy. Someone who is equivalent to all of us here".

Ya Allah.

It made me stop in my tracks again and I felt a tremble deep in my heart. It made me suddenly feel tearful.

Ya Allah, I am not as good as they think I am. It made me think about myself and about how much I need to change and improve. Some people might like being praised, but Ya Allah I am scared of those praises.

I am afraid because I know I am not like what they said. I am scared Ya Allah.

These two events have deeply affected me. I don't know how to explain it. But I feel so disappointed with myself, and ashamed with Allah because He knows how I am, what I have been doing, either with sincerity or not, and with the right niat or not. Ya Allah, please forgive me.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about those praises. I am unworthy.

Ya Allah please forgive me. I need to add my tarbiyah, my amal, my ilmu, my ibadah and increase my Iman. I am unworthy. What is the use of being seen great by humans if Allah doesn't think the same thing? When in fact, how Allah sees and think of us is the most important.

It was like a hard slap in my face. A rude awakening and a reality check.
Thank you Allah, for this funny day.
Thank you Allah, for still loving me and remembering me.
Ya Allah, help me become one of the Ghuraba

Thank you for those who have kept me in their prayers. What happened to me today might be a result of the sincerity of your prayer. May Allah bless you and reward you with Jannatul Firdaus. Ameenn

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