Sunday, June 01, 2014

Hard Truths About Myself

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Oh my. The last time I actually wrote here was nearly two years ago. I feel so ashamed. I've always fought about how blogging is therapeutic, yada yada yada. But huh. Even I havent had the time to blog.

I dont wanna use the advancement of technology as an excuse. Its too mainstream. I was just to lazy to do it. Technology does make humans lazy.

But somehow or rather, I suddenly remembered a post I once wrote years ago and wanted to see it again. Isn't it ironic how an event makes you remember things you've forgotten? Its like its as the back of your mind somewhere, then suddenly someone, something on an odd day you are reminded of it.

Today, a dear sister got married. Asma', one of my juniors who I really care about. I dont really remember how we got so close, but she is such a dear. You know the expression "loving someone for the sake of Allah"? Well, thats how I feel about her. She has a special place in my heart. I wish her all the best in her marriage and pray it will be happy till Jannah insyaAllah.

What made me suddenly decide to write again, was this very weird feeling that I got after I said goodbye to Asma' at her reception. I suddenly felt sad (sayu hati). As I was driving back to the office, I nearly choked up. I didnt understand this feeling, so Im writing about it in hope that I'll be able to identify the reason behind it.

The feeling that I got made me think about Sherlock. Haha I know right about now you might be saying "what? what does that have to do with it?" Hold on to your pants. Ok, so let me tell you.

For those who watched Sherlock the series, remember the time when Sherlock gave the best man speech? The time when he mentioned about he doesn't even understand how someone would consider him as a best friend. I dont know if its the same, but yeah.. its along the same lines.

Today, when I arrived at the ceremony, Asma was entertaining guests inside the hall. When she saw me, she looked so happy. Yes, I wouldnt have missed that look for the world. Alhamdulillah Asma'. Then after a while, she came all the way from the other side of the hall to our table. I didnt want to bother her because we were eating and she had a hall full of guests to say hi to. But she came to us and sat down next to me.

Then I shooed her away because she wanted to keep talking, but people were coming up to her to see her. When it came for our turn to take pictures with the bride and groom, she said "akak, kite ambik gambar kite berdua dulu". Then when I said, "Ok, panggil Sabiq" so that we could take pictures together, she introduced me as "Ni Kak Amirah, kakak super senior yang sangat osem".

I was super surprised. And terharu. I guess that's what made me suddenly choked up in the car. Someone actually thought of me that way.

You try your best when dealing with people. You try to be your most sincere. But at the same time, be a person who is assertive and stand by your principles. No one, and I mean no one has the right to tell you to change your principles. I am a person who will tell you the hard truth if you need to hear it. I am a person who will say "I dont like this" when I really dont like it, no matter who you are.

I also dislike people who do things sambil lewa. I guess my parents brought us up that way. We were consistently reminded that we should TRY our best. My parents dont really mind what results we got in our exams. As long as we tried. If we didn't try, then that's when they got angry. But if we tried, we studied, we showed some effort, yet we didnt get good results, then they didnt mind at all. We were not penalized for it, but were constantly reminded how Allah rewards our efforts, not our results.

Some would definitely consider me as a difficult person. I am difficult to handle, especially to those who have gotten on my nerves and doesnt show any sign of changing their attitude. It would be one of my goals to bombard them with hard truths as long as they are like that. This might be one of the reasons why people dont like me that much and are afraid of me.

You know when a situation is tough, and there's no one to just stand up and say "we have to stop doing this!"? Or a situation where no one wants to address the elephant in the room? Or when no one wants to really state the problem at hand in fear of hurting ones feelings? Yeah, Im usually that person. I think I've scratched a lot of egos along the way. But hey, what is so wrong in saying what is right? It's not like Im doing it minus the manners and akhlak. Its just that I'm putting aside the berkias-kias, or the fear of orang terasa sini terasa sana. Why not say the hard truths when its true and honest?

So yeah, some people fear me because Im like this.

Which is why I was so surprised when Asma' introduced me like that. I felt so.. I dont know what word to use. I used to question the reasons of people being friends with me. Some friends, I know the reason. Others, not so much. I question how good of a friend I am to others. Sometimes I feel that there is no benefit people befriending me. I feel like Im such a lousy friend.

But when she said that, I found myself thinking "I must have done something right. Alhamdulillah."

As time pasts, our live goals change, we change as people, we change in attitude and actions. We change in our hopes and dreams as we grow up. And when this happens, we find ourselves no longer having anything in common with some of our old friends. It's possible. I find that sometimes, when I hang out with my many group of friends, I don't know what to talk about, as if we have no longer anything in common.

But don't ever break a friendship that was once there. I finally understand the meaning of "loving someone for the sake of Allah". That is a friendship of sincerity that has the strongest basis for a everlasting friendship. You stay friends because you want to go to Jannah together. You try your best to help your friend and remind them when they do wrong. You pray for them without their knowledge. And you love them unconditionally.

There is a saying "... people will forget that you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.." ~ Maya Angelou

I really hope that among the many people I have met along my 30 years of life, I have touched people's hearts more than I have broken them

To those whom I have ever hurt, please forgive me. I am really sorry.

p/s: Thank you Asma'. You made me do some reflection today. Mubarak'alaik Asma & Sabiq

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