Friday, March 03, 2006

Listening to what people say

Last week was a very bad week for me. Gosh, it was horrible. So many things happening; first something came up, then tak sempat benda tu nak selesaikan something else happened, then something else, then another and another. Till the point I was crying every single day. Discreetly of course. How Allah tests us.

First of all, I witnessed something that I didn’t want to believe.. I practically saw my friend betray me in front of my face for the very last time. It happened before, but for me, seeing it happen again and again finally broke me. I’ve had enough; it finally came to its limit. It made me lose my control, my patience; it made me question the trust in the friendship. This is the first time I ever had the feeling of doubt. How I was betrayed is not something I want to talk about. For me, friends are still friends. But once a person does something that broke ur trust, not to mention over and over again, then I’m sorry to say, I’ll take it as the last straw and it will still be remembered in the years of our friendship. The level of my trust has decreased a certain percentage caused by it. I’m not saying we’re not friends anymore, but that barrier of ice has frozen a certain amount of my heart. How I hate this feeling.

That’s one thing; the other thing that happened was I received a very disturbing email from a certain someone who has a grudge against me. I don’t want to comment much, but the things that email conveyed had its effect on me. Frankly, it made me think about who I am, who I have become, how I act and why this person is so angry at me. After long nights laying on my bed and thinking, I finally concluded something.. This person was writing without thinking logically, but based on die punye emotional state. When we say things based on our emotion and anger, we talk without thinking. We say things we don’t really mean, we also tend to make stupid decisions that we would regret afterwards. That’s what I saw when I read the email.

But I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t affected by what was said. But what I don’t understand is why people always see the worst things first before they see the good. Why do people accuse you of very harsh accusations without wanting to husnuzan first. Why does everyone automatically think the worst when something happens, never wanting to think of all the possibilities that might have happened? That was a rhetorical question, no answer is needed =)

After those two things happened, it made me lose my confidence. My self esteem went really low. Why? Because I listen to what people say. Yes, we shouldn’t listen too much about the things people say about us, but have you ever thought about the possibility.. why did such things about us came out from their mouth in the first place? Mesti ade sebab kan?

Then, in the same week I had to attend an MPP (Majlis Perwakilan Pelajar) meeting in Kulim. During that time, the guys played a game. They asked me to play along so I agreed. The game was called “The one word game”. What we were to do was when the rest said a name; we would have to name one word that can be used to describe them. In my opinion, this is a cruel game if the purpose is to kutuk people. But I played along anyway.. So when it came to my turn, in my head I only thought about what good I can see in these people. At that time, I was the only one who hadn’t played the game. The guys promised to tell me the one word they used to describe me after I played. So I still continued. After much thought, I named each person with one word.

So as promised, they told me what they thought about me. I was shocked with a word one of the guys said.. He said.. Ego. Oh gosh, that made me speechless. Its not that I cannot accept that as a teguran, but for someone who doesn’t even know you, who does not know ur way of work and your personality, it was saddening. If that person was Syed (our IIM president) whom I have known for so long, whom I have worked together and faced good times and bad times.. I would accept with an open heart. Don’t get me wrong, I do accept this person saying to me I’m ego (memang ego pun), but it made me think.. what did I do to make him think so bad about me? He doesn’t even know me.. I must have done something.

Unfortunately that added to the burden of my emotional state. It made me feel worst. After we played that game, mostly I kept quiet. Not because I was angry, truthfully it never entered my heart to even feel angry. But being me, I kept thinking what went wrong.

So, after holding so much by myself for so long.. I needed somewhere to let go. I needed some reassuring. I needed a shoulder to cry on to come back into my normal self. Where did I go? I went to see our beloved counselor. And oh man, how wonderful it was to let it all go. I definitely cried my eyes out. Who said people like me don’t have problems?

People consider me as a public role model.. Ye la, dah la JPP, MPP lagi, busy je memanjang tapi results gempak jugak. Akhlak jaga, batas jaga, kepimpinan bagus, semua boleh control. But people don’t see what happens behind that. They just see what I stated above, they don’t want to see the difficulties I face to achieve all of that. Yes, even people like me have bad days. I am but a human. Same as everyone else.

Anyway, like I said.. Everyone has their bad days, or maybe for me; week. I always say to people who come to me with their problems that Allah will never burden his servants with things we cannot handle. He knows we are strong enough to face them, that is why He destined us with such situations. Same here.. If I didn’t end up feeling the things I felt, then I would be so unlucky.. Why? It will prove that I am not human, but a zombie with no heart or feelings.

Alhamdulillah YaAllah..

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