Wednesday, April 25, 2012

"Why aren't you married yet?"

Bismilllahi Rahmani Rahim

AssalamualaikumWRT WBT

The time has finally come for me to update my blog. You know how your mind is always working, even in sleep? And yet you find it so difficult to translate what your mind thinks into words that people are able to understand.

In my head right now, there are so many things going on that Im having trouble dealing with every single thing. There are so many issues to cater and to acknowledge, but with the time I have in my hands (both hands), sometimes you feel you're drowning with the responsibilities people have put on your shoulders. And from my experience, meeting other people's expectations is really really hard. Especially when the expectations are so high.

This post is rather emotional and VERY controversial. So to the men, don't read if you don't want your egos being put down.

I really dont understand when people keep asking me, or hinting about me getting married. When? When? Any candidates? SubahanAllah, when my patience is running low, I get these impure and horrible thoughts on how to reply or react. Although we are told to be Sabar, there are times when you feel like you've had enough in dealing with people who are plain insensitive.

I don't get it, when married people keep pestering you about why you're not married yet. "Get married quickly", "It's you're turn next", "When will I be able to eat your nasi minyak?".

Why do people think that its so easy?

Guys reading this, I know you'll have this "Oh no, not about marriage again" thought. But lets face it, I write based on experience, and right now is the phase where people keep asking me about marriage. So Im writing on how I personally deal with it. Haha, so I guess you have to bare with me until this phase ends. Im so sorry. Hehe.

My question again, WHY do people think that getting married is SO easy? Its not. N.O.T, not. Finding a good and reliable guy these days is difficult. Why do I say this? Because it's true. And it's not because I am too choosy.

Last Wednesday, I was invited to give a 'motivational' talk to 40 students from Universiti Kuala Lumpur (UNIKL) MITEC. The 40 students consisted of those who had pointers of 2.0 and below and were just one step towards getting kicked out if they fail again in their next exams.

When they invited me, I cracked my brain on what to talk about. They told me to just share my experience as a UNIKL graduate, and how I finally got the award for best student from my campus during graduation. So ok, I went with that.

The first thing that surprised me when I met with these students were the quantity of male students in this group. 85% of them were male.

What I want to write about is the attitude they gave me. Im sorry guys, but I have to write this based on my point of view. I am not being bias, I write based on what happened to me.

During the talk,  I gave them a piece of paper to write down 3 factors on why they got the results they got. When they were writing, I went around to see what they wrote. Then I asked a few of them to share what they came up with.

One COMMON factor the guys listed out was MALAS (traslation: Too Lazy). Would you believe that the girls didnt write lazy as their reason? And yet, every single boy wrote it down. When I asked them, what do you mean "too lazy"? They answered either "Im too lazy to wake up in the morning", "Im too lazy because I dont even understand what the lecturers are teaching", or "Im too lazy to go to class". Oh my God.

So I went to the girls and told them to think of their future. I told them that we as females have to have a solid education, that we need to have qualifications, and that we need to have plan B. Why? Because the guys today are hampeh (translation: unreliable, cannot be counted on).  And if for any sort of reason, we will have to feed ourselves, we have to support our children ourselves, then to get a steady job, we need our education.

They girls laughed, and the boys gave me a very vocal reaction. Ofkos their egos were being poked, ofkos they felt challenged by my statement. And yet that was exactly the reaction I was going for.

So I threw back the ball in their court. "Ahh, you deny that guys today are unreliable, and yet you were the ones who admitted that you are too lazy to do anything, that you are too lazy to care about your future, and that you are to lazy to try and work hard. How can you deny it when you just admitted to it a few minutes ago?".

SubahanAllah, that was a hard talk. I know it's difficult to expect instant change of attitude, and the talk I gave might just be another typical motivational talk to them. But I pray that at least they realise that as guys, they can't be complacent. They can't take things for granted.

I know my statement was harsh. I know saying that majority of guys today are all hampeh might be untrue. But lets face it, if we really really want to compare, let us look at the universities. During the conference I attended 2 weeks ago, I was surprised to find that other countries have problems in finding females in furthering their studies. According to the research done by one Prof David Radclif, 70% of the faculty and students in the higher education system are males and only 30% are females. THEIR research is on finding ways to promote education to females in their country. The research paper was longer, but I'll not go into it.

So let us look at Malaysia. Obviously we can see how the females are dominating the seats in universities. No matter the course. Maybe in engineering, the guys still hold on to the record. But slowly, the girls are catching up. If there used to only be 3-4 girls in an engineering course, now you can see almost 12-15 girls.

So where are the guys? People assume that in Malaysia, the females are topping off the males. That there are more females compared to males. But you're wrong. Based on the 2010 census report by the Department of Statistics Malaysia, there are 14.56 million males and only 13.77 million females. So, you still think there are less males, therefore that's the reason why the girls are tipping the scales in education? Oh puhlease.

Where on earth are these so called men of Malaysia? I do not want to talk about the already married, already steady career men. These guys are fine, they contribute to the society and they are proven to be reliable (not all, but you get the picture). I am talking about the middle aged youngsters. The youth who are no where to be seen, who don't have jobs, no education. WHY are they not in universities, where are they? Why don't we see them in Masjids, why don't we see them teaching, why don't we see them doing good in the community?

I am so sad. I guess the two programmes I went to this week has brought on this frustration. The first was when I met the university kids. The second, was the teenagers from a school near my house. IKRAM Youth Johor was invited to give a slot to 80 form 3 kids who were among the best students in the school. They were the cream of the cream. They were the group of kids the school expected to get awesome results. And we were there to give them the biggest and most important tip of all to be successful: taking care of your relationship with Allah Taala.

It was great to see how well divided the group was when it came to boys and girls. 50-50. Looking at them, it gave you hope to seeing a better future for the community. Finally, people will no longer compare girls and boys when it came to being excellent in education.

But how wrong I was.

The girls were so great, they gave their full attention, they gave full cooperation, and they respect their elders. The boys? SubahanAllah. None of the above. They gave us attitude after attitude. With pinches of arrogance. They tested our boundaries and kept pushing our patience, button after button. They didn't want to do anything we gave them. Till the point I couldn't take it anymore. So I gave them an earful. A slap in their face. I told them the same story as I told the university kids. And again, I hope they actually get something out of the slap I gave them.

What I don't understand is why guys nowadays think that everything will be laid out to them on a golden platter. Its as if they don't see the need to work hard, that they don't see any reason to keep fighting and keep excelling. They THINK they know everything and they don't NEED to be educated.

Males have bigger responsibilities in EVERYTHING. They are our leaders. They are the ones who we are supposed to look up to. They are the ones who we are supposed to rely on. They are the ones who are supposed to protect us and fight for our rights.

But HOW on earth are we supposed to look up to guys who have no job, who has no education? HOW are we supposed to put our lives in their hands when they are irresponsible? When they just don't want to work hard? HOW are they supposed to support us? HOW are they supposed to fight for our maruah? HOW are we supposed to rely on people who are just plain lazy and have no desire to succeed in life? HOW are we supposed to respect guys who don't value education as something important? Who doesn't practice Islam the right way?

Where are you, the men who will be our leaders? Whom we will be able to rely on? Show yourselves!

I am not saying that all guys are like this. No, that's not right. Im just saying that the reliable kind are becoming extinct by the second. So I repeat my earlier statement; finding a good and reliable guy these days is difficult. And those who are reliable, feel threatened by the achievements a gal has, therefore they back off.,

And you still ask me why Im not married? That's why. It's not because I'm choosy. There's none to choose from.

Wallahu'alam. Please forgive this emotional outburst.


  1. 100% TRUE!!! manalah pergi lelaki baik2 zaman sekarang ni.. Nak cari yang solat penuh 5 waktu pun susah! ape lagi yang pegi masjid semua waktu. Ape lagi yang ikut jalan dakwah. ape lagi yang bertanggungjawab kepada keluarga. Memang susah nak cari lelaki yang baik. Bukannya perempuan ni choosy sangat. Tapi dah sikit sangat lelaki yang capai standard (minimum) yang perempuan tu perlukan.

    Kalau perempuan ni bargain, nanti time dah kawin, hilang lah rasa respect kat husband. Respect tu yang penting.

    Hmm.. boleh ka nak share post ni kat department kite?? kalau tak kat department, kat student bawah kite?

  2. Kan kan! Tu la pasal. Sedih betul tgk lelaki zaman sekarang.

    Nak share? Share la :)


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