Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim,
I know I havent been blogging for a while. Which might explain why Im stressed out all the time these past few months. My blog has always been a place for venting and expressing my hurt and sorrows, my disappointments and shame. Ive always found it to be my own self therapy. Its a medium to get out all the things crowded in my head so that it can be a little free and peaceful.
Last week, I found out something about myself. After a few episodes and incidents, I realised a significant change in me, which can be seen as either good or bad.
I found out about my sensitivity level.
When I think about my University days, I always remember myself to be this confident and strong person. Someone who is able to control her emotions when a stressful situation is brought upon her and who is able to deal with problems and solve them in a short period of time. Although Im a soft spoken person, I am strict. AND I can control myself when it comes to confrontations. I voice out my opinions with confidence and without fear of rejection.
I find myself easily shedding a tear here and there. I get emotional with the littlest things, I cry when I see other people crying and confrontation will always lead to a tear fest. I always feel emotional when it comes to things I did wrong, things that are my fault and things that is supposed to be my right but not given to me. I cry when my wrong is corrected by others, and I cry when I know Im at fault.
I actually shed tears when my bos advised me about something. I couldnt believe myself. Why the heck should I be that emotional? When all she taught me was how to handle difficult customers.
I dont see myself as this strong confident person anymore. Its as if Ive changed over a course of a few months. I would rather stay quiet and say nothing than voice out what I think. Why is that?
Seriously, its worrying. Although Im glad Allah gave me the gift of tears, sometimes its inappropriate in certain situations.
I noticed that since the huge failure in my life, Im very sensitive when it comes to failing anything. I get emotional when it comes to not fulfilling others expectations. Time and time again, Ive always said that my not being able to go to UK really affected me, but no one really believes me.
People think that Im healed, but Im the only one who can verify it. And no, Im not healed. I still feel like a failure and that Im not good at anything.
Ayah and Nenek keep asking me if I still want to further my studies. But I never answer. The truth is, Im not confident that Im able to. The rejection was like I was pushed into a huge ravine, and Im still trying to climb back up. Without the proper help and motivation, I might just give up and stay inside.
I noticed how I no longer set big goals in my career. Its like my settling with my current job coz that what Im confident I can do. How pathetic is that? I know I can do better, but Im not confident enough to try.
On thr brighter side, crying is another form of therapy, its a way to express sadness and get the emotion out of my sistem. I cry for my sins and my faults. I find myself closer to Allah. Which is good.
But I still need to do something. I think theres something wrong with me, its just that I dont know what it is and how to deal with it. Any ideas?