Is it Wrong?

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

The question I would like to ask: Is it wrong to hope?

Some would interprate it as hoping for a lost cause.

Others would say that it's a waste of time.

A few would tell me to forget about it.

Sadly, some may see it as desperation.

Only a handful of people told me to keep 'fighting' because all can change with doa.

I get confused about what to do.

So my question, is it so wrong to still hope?

Rahsia itu hanya Kau yang Tahu

Asslamualaikum WRT WBT

Alhamdulillah, I finally find time to write again. How is everyone? I pray that you're in the best of health, happy and cheerful with the coming of Ramadhan. Before I begin writing what I really wanted to write about, I should take this opportunity to wish all my brothers and sisters of the same faith a Happy Ramadhan.

For those who are my FB friends, I've already shared this e-card with you. So this one is for my other friends out there. Who ever you are. I pray that one day, we can actually become friends, not just reading from a distance.



As Ramadhan is starting to begin, I always find myself overly emotional. Every year it's like that. I become more aware of my feelings, Im easily touched with words, I cry a lot -- even for small things. Its easier to feel, to understand and to accept any sort of teguran. The feelings come from deep within, rather than be on the surface. I guess this is because the influence of syaitan isn't there. What we do and what we feel, everything is from the 'real' us.

I've always loved Ramadhan. It's a month that I always feel so much closer to Allah. It's a month of devotion, a month of being the best Muslim you can be. I've always found myself more hardworking, more sincere and more patient. I love the me I become during Ramadhan.

Before I explained what happened to me today, I have to tell the story from the beginning.

Take note, this is going to be VERY long and girly. Full of emotional explanations and mostlikely you wont understand because you've never watched and movie or the series.

Since the movies came out -- I'm referring to Ketika Cinta Bertasbih 1 and 2, I've been such a huge fan. Whenever I feel down, and have the time to entertain myself, I watch this movie. Ive never read the books, but I've watched the movies so many times that I can practically remember the dialog. If you ask my sister Aida, she'll say "asyik cerita ni je!".


But yes, the message in these movies have been my source of comfort for quite a while. The reminders in the movie has brought back my feeling of hope. I feel very juvenile admitting this out loud, but no matter how old we are and how mature we look, there will always be a small part of us that's still a kid.

I always find myself tearing up watching these two movies. Maybe because I can relate with the story line.

Last 2 weeks, I found out that the writer of these stories decided to make a series, as a continuation of the movie. I was so ecstatic! You can't imagine how excited. I've never been able to stand Indonesian series. They keep going on and on. But, this movie and series is so different.

This is the BEST Islamic movie and series Ive ever watched yet. Why? Because the actors aren't hypocrites. They were picked based on their Arabic fluency, on their understanding and practice of Islam, based on their ability to memorise the Quran and Hadith. When they talk about Islam in the movie/series, they actually mean it because they actually practice the REAL Islam. They dont touch, they ALWAYS cover their aurat and they always quote the Quran and Hadith. They give real and true advice, and they convey the REAL Islam in the story. Subahanallah, just wonderful.

The last couple of episodes have given a huge impact on me. Maybe because I've somewhat experienced the same thing. Remember how I mentioned that my feelings are on high mode during Ramadhan? We'll, I've been tearing up since writing this post. I don't know how to explain my feelings at the moment.

Let's just say that I know a little bit of how Husna in the story feels. I felt my heart skip a beat when she cried. I could personally feel how hurt she felt, even though my situation didnt really go as far as hers.

I keep watching the series because I want to find out how people deal with what I've been thru the best way. Like in the series, no matter how much advice we give others, when it happens to us, its so hard to listen to our own advice. We give advice to others with only a small portion of empathy. But when it happens to us, our heart and mind are influenced by emotion. So it's so hard to be rational.

I know Aliya will scold me for this, but I still pray for what I wish happened a few months back. I keep praying that things get better and that Allah ease the journey if He planned such outcome for me. I'm still like Husna, hoping and praying that I get my other half, even though things have been rough, with all sorts of obstacles in the way. How Husna handled her situation, was practically the same as how I handled it. Get busy with work so that I wouldnt have time to dwell on it. I thought my plan was solid. But.. When you find yourself alone, your mind tends to wonder off.

I can also relate to how Ilyas felt. How helpless he felt, how even if he tried, he can't change other ppl's minds. How much he hurt cos he couldn't have the person he chose. How lost he felt when he couldn't change the situation. All he could do was pray and hope.

In the movie, there was the conflict of Azzam wanting to marry Anna who has higher education qualifications, and Azzam who was discouraged because there was the mention of 'expectations' of the society. They faced so many tests, so many tribulations, but in the end, they ended up together because as all Muslimah wants, a husband who has a strong Islamic background.

Its sad to think that I find comfort in this story. Even though the story makes me cry and laugh and cry again, I keep watching it. I can't really talk to anyone about what's been happening, about my disappointments and my broken heart. I've been bottling it all up since it happened. I've been trying so hard to forget about it, to get over it, but I haven't really succeeded. And I know that I won't be able to recover until I do. But I don't want to tell anyone, because no one would really understand.

I've heard all sort of advice from others, on how to think positive. That InsyaAllah Allah will find me someone who is much better. Yes, I know. The story about Ummu Salamah has been an inspiration. But my feeling of hope is still there. This might just be a test from Allah so see at which level my Iman really is. So I am not giving up. I will only stop praying and hoping when I hear the word nikah from the other party. Only then, will I stop.

And if during this whole journey, someone better actually comes along, I'll accept with open arms. Because no matter how we plan, pray and hope, only He knows which path and which person is the best for us. I'm just going to be patient. Make me strong Ya Allah.

I told you it was going to be girly and emotional. Don't say I didn't warn you.

To finish this post of, I'm posting a video. The lyrics are really meaningful to me. And the song is from the movie above.

To My Future Husband

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

This letter is written for my future husband, my future partner and the future father to my children. Even though I have yet to meet you, I pray that you are always in the best of health, under Allah's protection and Barakah, no matter where you are.

Although there is no way to determine how and where we will meet, my prayers are always with you, so that one day we will find each other under the best of circumstances.

My dearest future husband,
My expectations are not of a princess. I do not need all the riches of the world. All I ask is that you are rich with knowledge. Please do not feel threatened by labels and certificates. They mean so much less than the knowledge of Islam I pray you possess. I pray that you'll be my other half who will help me answer our children's' questions when I have no idea what to say. I pray you be there to finish my sentences and teach me where I am lacking, for I know I am.

I do not expect you to be as beautiful as Prophet Yusuf a.s, I will be grateful enough you becoming the light of my eyes. If we were meant for each other, if I am the lucky girl Allah created for you, then Im sure Allah will bring our hearts together and make us fall in love when we finally meet. How can I expect someone handsome and good looking, when I am but an awkward and clumsy girl.

My dearest future husband,
I know I am not perfect, so please know I do not expect you to be either. We both have our shortcomings and we will have to live with them for the rest of our lives together. So please do not judge me based on them, but I pray you accept them and understand that I am just human like you.

I pray you always see the positive side of things, for I know I am sometimes quick to make judgements without thinking it thru. I pray that we become each other's support when things are tough. Please be my knight in shining armor when Im looking for someone to save me. Keep me safe and I promise to always be there by your side supporting your every decision for our family's happiness.

I cannot promise that there won't be times when we disagree and fight, but please know that I will always support your sacrifices for Islam. Let me be the coolness of your eyes, let us struggle and strive together, keeping the Quran and Sunnah alive.

Help me become the Muslimah I wish to become thru this bonding, for with it I would have completed half of my religion InsyaAllah. I do not ask for all the stars in the sky, it would be enough that you sacrifice your whole being in gaining Allah's Redha. I would be so grateful just being there to encourage you and offer a helping hand, for you to lean on me when you need me. I'll be whatever you need me to be.

My dearest future love,
Although it is important for us to express our love for each other, Im not expecting a declaration of undying love. But what I ask is for you to love Allah unconditionally. For by loving Allah, you will love me because of your love for Him. And that is what is everlasting and eternal, till we meet again in Jannah.

I'll make you happy, I promise that I will try. Let me be your stepping stone to Paradise.

But if it is Allah's will that we do not have the chance to meet here on earth, I pray we will find each other in Paradise, where our love will be for eternity.

Whatever happens, it's all in Allah's hands. But I promise to never stop praying for you, for us and for all the years to come.

Till the day I finally become yours,
Your other half.

Ayah's Birthday

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Hey everyone. I realised that Ive been procrastinating a few things in my life -- either it be big things or small ones, like writing in my blog. But today is a special day, and I have time on my hands, so Im using it.

Its Ayah's birthday today. 51 years young. Happy birthday Ayah!

Going to all sorts of programmes, KBM, JJB which have slots about parents, I rarely find myself not crying. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for giving me the gift of tears, I am so grateful bcoz I'm still able to feel.

Our culture has never taught us to voice our feelings out loud. There's like this 'common rule' where we should conceal our feelings. More specifically, the feeling of love. Anger -- well, thats pretty common. We see ppl shouting and arguing everyday just to prove a point. But love? Its something so unfamiliar to be expressed.

Our culture molds us to show our love by our actions -- ye ke? Im just guessing. Kalau ni pun tak betul, then how is love expressed? Isnt it expressed at all?

During the parents slot in KBM or JJB, we can see how powerful words really are. If words cant be spoken, then convey it with words -- which I usually do.

So Ayah, even though I might not be able to say this in front of you (i.e. I might cry my eyes out), Im writing it down so that I'll be able to remember what I say every time I read it:

Sometimes I wonder if Ive ever shown my gratitude. For all that you've done for me, I ask myself did I ever thank you. For all my childhood memories -- the good ones, the bad, the unforgeable and the sad. But not even one ounce do I regret it. Becoz its the good memories that will last a lifetime, the bad memories that taught me to be strong, the unforgeable that I will share with my children one day and the sad which only made me love you even more.

Thank you for helping me deal with my life's stresses -- and you know Ive had quiet a few. But you were always there with encouragements and doa. Always reminding me about how Allah is always there with me, and that I should accept things as they are bcoz we dont know what Allah has in store for me. Thank you for helping me accept my defeats, even though Im bad at it. But you always make me think before I act harshly, keeping me calm before I do something silly.

Thank you for always celebrating my potential and my success. You've always believed in me. One of the many things I will always remember, is your tears of joy when I got 4As for UPSR. I know you didnt expect it from lazy old me. But the joy in your words and in your eyes has been a lasting memory till today. For all the success I gained since then, I dedicate them all to you and Mak.

Thank you for teaching me the value of hard work, good judgement, courage and being true to myself. I remember the long talks during our travels from JB-to-KL and back. You've always helped me with my decisions and keep me grounded, reminding me of my duty and how to handle people. Thank you for all the laughter and smiles you have brought to our lives.

Please dont stop praying for me. I know you wont :)

Happy 51st Birthday. We're always praying for your health and happiness. Love you Ayah! *hugs*

Why Dont You Care?

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Such a beautiful song! Dedicated to all the Mujahids fighting for their Freedom. Our prayers are always with you!



After listening to Maher Zain's new single, rasa mcm sayu je. We've been listening to all sorts of news about what has been happening in the middle east, first with Egypt, then Libya, Lebanon, and so many more. During the demonstrations in Egypt, I always find myself sitting in front of the TV at 12 to 1 in the morning, just to see what was on the news. I can't express the feeling of pride seeing the Egyptians fighting as one, praying as one and helping each other for one purpose -- their country's freedom from oppression. Their unity, strong will and their trust in Allah's help were what made them reach their goal.

Now, looking at the situation in Libya, makes a grown man fall to his knees and cry. If you don't even have an ounce of sympathy and empathy, then there's something wrong. If you don't even know what's going on, then you should be ashamed of yourselves. You call yourselves Muslims, but dont even care what happens to your fellow brothers and sisters?

And hold fast, all together, by the rope which Allah (stretches out for you), and be not divided among yourselves; and remember with gratitude Allah's favor on you; for you were enemies and He joined your hearts in love, so that by His Grace, you became brethren; and you were on the brink of the pit of Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus do Allah make His Signs clear to you: That you may be guided.

(Al-E-Imran, 103)

With the rising of freedom demonstrations across the Arab land, I ask myself about our situation in Malaysia.

I dont know how to explain the feeling inside my chest. All around the world, our brothers and sisters are fighting for their freedom to practice Islam. Yet here, many of us are still unaware of what is happening. Most of our community are too busy with their own lives, their own pursue of what they think is happiness, and their effort of satisfying their own desires.

Around the world, Muslims are being killed for their faith. Here, many just admit being Islam, but never feel the need to practice it. Its so sad. People are being killed for just being born. Here, many dont appreciate the freedom given to us.

Its so sad seeing my own people pretending to be what they are not, being lost in their own understanding of living life. Comparing what they think are success in life, without even thinking about the afterlife.

Some say about 'not being ready' to practice Islam. Not being ready to cover aurat. Not being ready to sujud 5 times a day. What is that? When will you be ready? Sometimes I feel like slapping them in the face and giving them a reality check. But only Allah has the right to give hidayah. Our job is to 'invite' them along, praying to be in Jannah together.

I heard a talk about Palestine the other day. One story that really stuck with me was the one told by Ustaz Hasanuddin (Director of Aqsa Syarif). During his voyage on Mavi Marmara, bringing aid and supplies to the people of Gaza. As they stopped in Turkey, loading supplies onto the ship. After all the supplies were bought and loaded, with the money left in everyone's pockets, each person used their last dime to buy sweets and chocolates for the children of Gaza, in hope that while the adults were busy with the supplies, they will be able to entertain the small children with treats. Just seeing them smile amidst the war and suffering they face everyday, would be so rewarding.

When the yahud laknatullah came and took over the ship, Ustaz told us how the soldiers just stepped on those treats. I cried during this story. It was so sad. I cried of sadness and of anger.

Ive had first hand experience dealing with children who were victims of flooding. The joy in their faces when people came to visit bringing treats, it's priceless. Such a satisfaction in making such innocent faces become bright with smiles of joy. Even that brought me to tears. Apetah lagi these small innocent children in Gaza.

Which is why, sometimes I feel so angry with our own people who don't think of others except for themselves. Individualistic people who only do things if it benefits them or will gain something in return.

We live in one world, a world we share, a world were everyone needs everyone else. Islam teachers us that all of us are brothers. Islam tells us to be united.

So my question is, do you know what's happening to the world today? Or are you just too busy living your life to the fullest? Tepuk dada tanya Iman.

Going Thru Life

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

I watched a story the other day and stumbled upon one song which made me realise a few things. Since then, Ive been feeling a little weird.

Going thru life, we face all sorts of things. Challenges, happy occasions, fear, disappointments. Everything. Although we always complain about what we go thru, yet its these hardships that make us grow. I am thankful for that.

What I always dread going thru are the things other people say, other ppl's judgmental comments, their spite and bad intentions.

We live in a very judgmental world. Its as if everything has to have their own standard, its own unofficial set of rules. And if one doesn't follow them, they will be judged harshly.

Although I am lucky in life, I have wonderful parents, an awesome family, a bunch of supporting friends. Career wise, Im getting there.. BUT somehow ppl still see the bits and pieces that so-called "don't go with these set of standards".

Life becomes judgmental when we have immature ppl living in it, consisting of toxic people who's only intent is to see you go down. Ive been there and I know how terrible it makes you feel.

It has affected me in numerous ways. But one of the things that has stayed with me till today is my low self esteem. Although there is a saying "No one will be able to hurt you unless you let them", sometimes even a strong will won't be able to help you. Sometimes you just break down and give up.

I admit, I have certain issues I havent been able to overcome just yet. Maybe there are certain things in life I havent done just yet. But don't go and judge me because of them. Everyone has their own journey they have to go thru that Allah has planned for them. My journey might be a different one. Its in Allah's hands, so why must people question it and judge me for what hasn't happened.

Please ignore my ramblings. Like I said, Ive been feeling a little weird lately. Anyhow, here's the song. I dedicate this to a certain someone. Enjoy :)

Sensitivity Level

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim,

I know I havent been blogging for a while. Which might explain why Im stressed out all the time these past few months. My blog has always been a place for venting and expressing my hurt and sorrows, my disappointments and shame. Ive always found it to be my own self therapy. Its a medium to get out all the things crowded in my head so that it can be a little free and peaceful.

Last week, I found out something about myself. After a few episodes and incidents, I realised a significant change in me, which can be seen as either good or bad.

I found out about my sensitivity level.

When I think about my University days, I always remember myself to be this confident and strong person. Someone who is able to control her emotions when a stressful situation is brought upon her and who is able to deal with problems and solve them in a short period of time. Although Im a soft spoken person, I am strict. AND I can control myself when it comes to confrontations. I voice out my opinions with confidence and without fear of rejection.

But now?

I find myself easily shedding a tear here and there. I get emotional with the littlest things, I cry when I see other people crying and confrontation will always lead to a tear fest. I always feel emotional when it comes to things I did wrong, things that are my fault and things that is supposed to be my right but not given to me. I cry when my wrong is corrected by others, and I cry when I know Im at fault.

I actually shed tears when my bos advised me about something. I couldnt believe myself. Why the heck should I be that emotional? When all she taught me was how to handle difficult customers.

I dont see myself as this strong confident person anymore. Its as if Ive changed over a course of a few months. I would rather stay quiet and say nothing than voice out what I think. Why is that?

Seriously, its worrying. Although Im glad Allah gave me the gift of tears, sometimes its inappropriate in certain situations.

I noticed that since the huge failure in my life, Im very sensitive when it comes to failing anything. I get emotional when it comes to not fulfilling others expectations. Time and time again, Ive always said that my not being able to go to UK really affected me, but no one really believes me.

People think that Im healed, but Im the only one who can verify it. And no, Im not healed. I still feel like a failure and that Im not good at anything.

Ayah and Nenek keep asking me if I still want to further my studies. But I never answer. The truth is, Im not confident that Im able to. The rejection was like I was pushed into a huge ravine, and Im still trying to climb back up. Without the proper help and motivation, I might just give up and stay inside.

I noticed how I no longer set big goals in my career. Its like my settling with my current job coz that what Im confident I can do. How pathetic is that? I know I can do better, but Im not confident enough to try.

On thr brighter side, crying is another form of therapy, its a way to express sadness and get the emotion out of my sistem. I cry for my sins and my faults. I find myself closer to Allah. Which is good.

But I still need to do something. I think theres something wrong with me, its just that I dont know what it is and how to deal with it. Any ideas?

Open Your Eyes

Open Your Eyes
Album : Thank You Allah
Munsyid : Maher Zain

Look around yourselves
Can't you see this wonder
Spread in front of you
The clouds floating by
The skies are clear and blue
Planets in the orbits
The moon and the sun
Such perfect harmony

Let's start questioning ourselves
Isn't this proof enough for us
Or are we so blind
To push it all aside..
No..

We just have to
Open our eyes, our hearts, and minds
If we just look quiet we'll see the signs
We can't keep hiding from the truth
Let it take us by surprise
Take us in the best way
(Allah..)
Guide us every single day..
(Allah..)
Keep us close to You
Until the end of time..

Look inside yourselves
Such perfect order
Hiding in yourselves
Running in your veins
What about anger love and pain
And all the things you're feeling
Can you touch them with your hand?
So are they really there?

Lets start questioning ourselves
Isn't this proof enough for us?
Or are we so blind
To push it all aside..?
No..

We just have to
Open our eyes, our hearts, and minds
If we just look quiet we'll see the signs
We can't keep hiding from the truth
Let it take us by surprise
Take us in the best way
(Allah..)
Guide us every single day..
(Allah..)
Keep us close to You
Until the end of time..

When a baby's born
So helpless and weak
And you're watching him growing..
So why deny
Whats in front of your eyes
The biggest miracle of life..

We just have to
Open our eyes, our hearts, and minds
If we just look quiet we'll see the signs
We can't keep hiding from the truth
Let it take us by surprise
Take us in the best way
(Allah..)
Guide us every single day..
(Allah..)
Keep us close to You
Until the end of time..

Open your eyes and hearts and minds
If you just look bright to see the signs
We can't keep hiding from the truth
Let it take us by surprise
Take us in the best way
(Allah..)
Guide us every single day..
(Allah..)
Keep us close to You
Until the end of time..

Allah..
You created everything
We belong to You
Ya Rabb we raise our hands
Forever we thank You..
الحمد الله
Alhamdulillah..

My emotional roller coaster

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

I first started to write a post this morning, but finally abandoned it. Im not saying I dont have anything to write. In fact, tons of things have happened, but.. well, usually Im just too tired to think about what to write, how to write it and how to phrase things.

A bunch of emotions have gone thru me these past few days. Last weekend, I joined another JJB camp -- which for me was the most exhausting out of the handful of 29 hour camps we've ever done. It was exhausting mentally and emotionally. I have to admit, this was the most syahdu camp Ive ever been to yet. Although at all JJB camps, I will cry, but this specific one, it made me cry the ugly cry (as Oprah phrases it). Teresak-esak.

Sedih giler camp ni. Im not sure I am at liberty to explain why, but to resolve the confusion, I should mention the fact that among the participants of the camp were girls from a certain rumah bimbingan anak-anak perempuan. Enough said. For further explanation, maybe you should ask me in person. Ill not cerita-cerita here for everyone to read.

This was the camp that I cried the most -- which explains the emotional exhaustion. It took me two days to get rid of the headache I received as a souvenir from the camp. Hari ni baru ok sikit. But Im still vulnerable. Over sensitive as you might phrase it.

Team JJB with AJK Belia 4B Felda Taib Andak
(yang perempuan semua muka baru lepas nangis, he he)

But as always, it was a very memorable experience. Seronok tu mmg la seronok, tp yang penting niat kite join dlm gerak kerja dakwah ni. Kene selalu betulkan balik niat.

Other than that emotion, right now there's this uncomfortable feeling. Yang ni lagi la takleh nak cite kat sini. Only a handful of ppl know about this issue. But InsyaAllah its no longer going to be an issue after this. Hopefully. Ameenn.

Next. I just found out that a friend is getting married next year. As much as I am happy for this friend of mine, I am sad to say that Im a little disappointed and broken-hearted. Enough said.

Moving on, Im feeling a little down about something related to work -- as in my search for what people call 'real' work. For those who think I havent been putting an effort in it, you're dead wrong. Its not that I "tanak cari kerja tetap", its "I keep getting rejections". I have a list if you want to see it. And Im at the point of giving up and accepting Aliya's offer. Everytime I listen to Maher Zain's song titled InsyaAllah, I cry. Especially today when I hear ppl implying that Im not doing anything, seolah-olah aku mmg taknak keje. Jatuh motivasi aku. Sedih tau tak.

I told you Im in a vulnerable emotional state. Tengah low self esteem.

Ugh. I hate it when this happens.

But sometimes we need to suffer, for us to understand the meaning of happiness.
Sometimes we need to feel disappointment, for us to understand the meaning of success. Sometimes we need to cry, to understand the meaning of being grateful for what we have been given, and sometimes we need to get hurt, to understand who we really are.

InshaAllah

InshaAllah
by: Maher Zain

Everytime you feel like you cannot go on
You feel so lost
That your so alone
All you is see is night
And darkness all around
You feel so helpless
You cant see which way to go
Dont despair and never loose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side

Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah youll find your way

Everytime you can make one more mistake
You feel you cant repent
And that its way too late
Yourre so confused, wrong decisions you have made
Haunt your mind and your heart is full of shame

Dont despair and never loose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah youll find your way
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah youll find your way

Turn to Allah
Hes never far away
Put your trust in Him
Raise your hands and pray
OOO Ya Allah
Guide my steps dont let me go astray
Youre the only one that showed me the way,
Showed me the way x2
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah well find the way

The Big Elephant

*Ignore this post if you dont want to read a silly girl freak out* Im serious.

Well, I better get the big elephant out of the way. The big two-five is finally just around the corner. And I might just be starting to freak out.

Yeah yeah, well.. you know me, the big "drama queen". But come on. Reaching the two-five makes you realise that you have completed 25 years of your life. Its like a mildstone, a phase where you are expected to achieve something with ur life.

And where am I? Im practically back at home, jobless, penniless, and miserable. How pathetic is that? Real real pathetic.

The two-five birthday is supposed to represent an important juncture before that big three-O that you hope to achieve by the 30th year. When you hit thirty, you are supposed to be happily married with a good job and a nice house.

By the 25th year, people hope that they are well on their way to get settled within 5 years. It is the time to celebrate and appreciate the path that you have taken out to achieve your dreams. The 25th birthday signifies stability and foundation.

Which pathetically I dont have.

Daymmn this is sad.

But I do kinda have mixed feelings about this auspicious (yeah right *roll-eyes*) day. On a happier note, Im glad to say that Ive very much changed into someone much better than I was a year ago. I pray that Im constantly on the path to become a better servant, a better daughter, a better sister and a better friend InsyaAllah.

Im glad to report that people will see some change in my manner, my fikrah and my maturity. Im crossing my fingers on the last one :P Haha.

Eventhough, technically and emotionally I was more confident with myself a year ago, but give me some credit for trying to recover it right now. Im still working on it, so please pray that I become the strong, independent and confident women I used to be. I guess thats life -- it teachers you, it changes you and it hopefully makes you into someone better.

I wont say that the experiences Ive been thru has damaged me. I'd say that it made me look at the world a little differently. Im no longer the naive little girl who tot life was going to be easy. Boy, was I wrong. Having ur dreams shattered in front of ur very eyes tends to do that. Haha.

But all in all, a part of me is glad with what the past year has brought me. Im hoping the year to come to be filled with more experiences. Good and memorable ones I hope. Im tired of crying.

25 huh? Wau. Wierd. And Scary.

To think that my target to settle down was 22 during high school. That certainly isnt a target I will ever achieve. Haha.

To those who are thinking to surprise me or something, please dont. I think Im too old for that. Besides, I have to confess that Im more observant than usual during this time of the year. My detection radar is running at full pace, so nothing really gets by me. I doubt the success of it. Haha :P

To those who are thinking of buying me something special, by all means, please do. Hahahhaha :P. But a prayer for me would suit me much better (I wonder if this is really true? Hahaha)

To those who are thinking to konon-konon forget my birthday, please dont. It'll make me think that you've forgotten me oredi. Help my self esteem by at least acknowledging the day I was brought into the world.

I dont think Ill be celebrating this year. Why? Bcoz Ill have to go to Segamat for a Jom Jadi Bijak Camp. As a fasi, not a peserta.

Being Sentimental

As I go thru my nightly ritual of going to bed tonight, I got this sudden urge to blog.

The lights are already off mind you. But Im sitting on the bed, with the laptop in front of me, in the dark with only the light from the electric heater and the computer screen to brighten my night.

I have my current playlist on to accompany me, and I have a fanfic oredi opened on Chapter 3 for my before bed reading.

I just finished praying Isya' and suddenly realised that tonight is my last night sleeping at Aliya's house. This sad feeling started to creap into me, and the sudden thought of not knowing when Ill be back makes me wanna cry.

Although Im writing this post tonight, it will only be published when Im oredi back in Malaysia. This is becoz I dont wanna spoil this surprise I have planned -- coz my friends whom Im planning to surprise read my blog. So this entry will only appear more than 24 hours after I write it. And you know what..? Im actually having trouble deciding if I should write it in present tense or past tense! Hahahhha. Confiusing btul la. :P

Ok, so before I sleep tonight, I tot (for sentimental reasons) I should put something in ma blog. You know what Im going to miss most about sleeping here? The cool temperature, not sweating while sleeping, the warm feeling being inside and wrapped with the covers, and most of all, the quiet and peaceful sound of the night when I wake up for qiam. No distractions. Its so peaceful not hearing anything but the sound of your heartbeat and reading.

At first, it was rather scary. Sleeping at home used to be so noisy. The constant sound of the kipas or aircond. Rasa mcm secure coz you know ade sounds around you therefore ade people with you. Here, its seriously so quiet. And in the dead of the night, your imagination starts going wild. Haha. It took sometime to get used to it. I used to switch on nasyid or music in very low volumes just to fill the silence.

But as time goes by, Ive gotten used to it. And it makes me wonder, when I get home, if Ill be able to get used to the sounds pulak. Not home as in Johor-- itu mmg definitely la comfortable kan. Dah nama katil sendiri (wau I miss my katil). I meant other places.

My first night in Malaysia wont be at home, itll be at my friend's house. I wonder if Ill be able to sleep tightly.

I guess Im gonna have to wait and see. But bile pk balik, I might be too tired to think about it anyway -- with the jetlag and all -- AND the day filled with activities. Its sure to be exhausting.

Anyhow, as it is my last night in Australia, Id like to wish everyone a very Good Night. Pray for dreams of Heaven. May we be alive in the morning to continue our journey towards achieving Allah's Rahmah and Barakah. Ameen.

Sleep tight everyone :)