Fear of Intelligence

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

I guess the time has come for another controversial post.

During high school, I was not among those who excelled. I was sort of the low profile girl. People knew me more as "anak cikgu" than actually knowing my name. Although I was in the science class (which was the "it" thing during that time), and although my classmates were those who were known for their crazily excellent results, I was sort of the sore thumb in the class. Maybe my former classmates who read this will disagree, but ofkos that was how I felt.

I sucked at my science subjects big time. I seriously disliked physics and chemistry. To me, none of it made any sense! Another subject that was not in my target list was Add Maths. OMG, I found it really really really hard. I couldnt catch up with what my teachers were trying to teach me. So in the end, I kinda just gave up. This ofkos meant that homework was out of the question. Ha ha. And failing Add Maths or Physics was a norm for me.

Yeah, I was like any normal teenager who didn't like doing her homework. Don't be so surprised :P

Being so, I didnt really enjoy my years in high school. I didn't excel in anything. Well, maybe just my relationship with the teachers, but other than that, I don't think anybody really remembers me. I bet if I find my juniors in FB and try to add them, some might actually not know who I am! Unless I say Im my mother's daughter. Hahha.

Another reason why I didn't like being in the spotlight in school was, there was this bad rumor of me being a tattle tale. Ye la, anak cikgu kan. Dahla close with the teachers, ofkos that rumor will go around the school. So because of that, I didnt really want to socialise that much. I tried, but I guess people feared me becos of this.

I've told this story about how I sucked in high school to some of my friends and majority of them don't believe me. They think Im just making it up. Haha. But that is the truth. And my SPM results was terrible for science class standards la.

If I tell my friends in Uni, they'll just laugh bcos they just can't believe the top student in our batch started off like that. Seriously, the person I am today and the girl I was in high school are two totally different people.

So when I furthered my studies, to make the story short, I excelled my uni years with rainbow colours all the way. I was also actively involved with the Student Council, I was regularly invited to give talks to the students, I was given the task of being an English tutor, I was also a Research Assistant at one time. I represented my Uni for marketing purposes in a magazine, was interviewed on TV and interviewed in the radio. My life was so full, it was overwhelming.

But this is when I started noticing something very peculiar.

When you as a girl start to excel, getting A's, getting the highest marks in a subject, getting awards and being put in the spotlight, this is when the guys start avoiding you like the plague.

Guys start feeling they are unworthy of you, they feel intimidated by you and start to avoid you at all costs (UNLESS they need your help).

I have written a few controversial posts in the past. So today I feel this urge to dare these guys who call themselves men. My question to you my brothers is: WHY are you afraid of 'intelligent' girls?

Seriously, did you really think guys would want to hang out with me? Did you think since I was popular, guys would line up to make me their girlfriend? Did you think they would try to talk to me just to have a conversation? NO.

If you look at the current situation today, the majority of students in the tertiary level are GIRLS. In a class of 50, the usual sight is only 20-30% of the class being males. In the degree level, this is the case. Im not even going to mention the post grad statistics. Because it's too sad.

But going a little down to the diploma level, all I can say is, ahaaa.. so this is where all of you are hiding. Don't get me wrong, I have NOTHING against people doing diploma. In fact, thats where I started too. From the bottom.

But the issue here is, once the diplomas are in their hands, these males no longer see the need to further their studies. Only a QUARTER of my batch during diploma continued on to degree. From degree, not even a handful of them are doing post grad studies.

I know that no one can force anyone to do things they don't want to do. No one can force an adult to go back to the books and exams once they see the money. I understand that part.

But WHY does this disinterest in getting higher education among the men, in the end, EFFECT the females who want to pursue their interest in knowledge. Just because men dont see the need to get all these qualifications, WHY do you judge the females who actually do? JUST because you are too lazy to go read books, to go thru the difficult tasks of exams, WHY do you condemn the females who are brave enough and strong enough to survive another round in this journey towards pursuing knowledge. You penalise us for it, you 'punish' us bcos of it.

Even if you think you don't do it, you still condemn us because of our education. The more a female is higher in her academic qualifications, the more men run away from them.

Why? Because they fear them, they dont want a wife who is higher than them. They dont want a wife who knows more than them, they dont want a wife who might KNOW how to argue a point.

As I see it, men who have degrees, when looking for a wife, they will always look at where they are in their academic level. If she has a degree, they'll look at what type of degree (comparing ofkos to them). If she has a diploma, then that would be awesome. SPM, might be even better since to the males, "I'll be able to teach her a LOT". Same with the diploma graduates, so on and so forth.

Then what of those who have masters? Who are doing their PhDs?

Are you saying, to get a good husband, we have to put aside our hunger for knowledge, for qualifications, our goal towards achieving a good and stable career?

I can guarantee that during the process of flipping thru eligible bachelorettes as candidates for their future wives, men can deny it as much as they want, but the thought of having a higher qualified wife will always be a no no.

BUT with the situation all around the world, with more educated females vs the males who think that getting higher education is such a hassle; where, I repeat, where is this phenomena going? The times have changed where the word sekufu now holds a very different meaning compared to the old days.

Now, no matter at what level any female is at, with the realisation of Islam throughout the world, with Islam becoming the 'it' thing now, the main thing females look for in a prospective husband is his religious knowledge. It is exactly as Rasulullah s.a.w said.

In the old days, yes. Maybe sekufu means the husbands should be superior in education, in money making, etc. But lets face it, with the world population having more educated females, how can education be one of the main issues to compare to?

But what I mean by change is, the meaning of superiority is different.today. Today, what females respect more is knowledge of Islam a male has. How many hadiths he knows, is he a hafiz, how well is his ilmu on this beautiful way of life, does he know how to speak Arabic? Is he an ahli masjid? Is he actively involved in spreading Islam? What are his practices in seeking Allah's rahmah?

All things related to the knowledge a male has on Islam is superior enough. Bcos, to me, my husband will be the one holding the responsibility of bringing the family to Jannah (our final goal and destination). So no matter how high or low his academic qualifications are, no matter how much money he makes, no matter how high or low his rank professionally, it is all mute when he is incapable of helping me achieve my goal and the goal of the family, which is to live in Paradise in the hereafter.

See what I mean?

I guess there might be some people who disagree with me. No worries. Everyone has their own opinion. Mine might also be a little bias. Since I am talking from the view point of a female. To me, an educated wife is an asset, not a burden, not something to be humiliated with. She will be responsible for your children, she will be the one yang mendidik anak-anak. How to didik with no knowledge?

So my brothers out there, set me straight if what I write here is wrong. Grow some courage and stand up for yourselves if this is not the truth.

For those who only just realised this, then my advice would be, open your eyes a little wider and forget your egos at certain times. The reason why females seems like the majority of the population isnt becos we are, its because you guys are invisible and dont see the need (or maybe are too afraid) to stand up and show yourselves.

Forgive me if this post is a little harsh. Im just disappointed in the male youths today. They are non-existent. Even if there are some, but its very few. Where are the Saidina Ali's of today? The Mus'ab bin Umair, the Khalid Al-Walid of todays younger generation?

Wake up and make difference in the world! Why can't there be more people like Aiman Azlan? (if you dont know who he is, you can always google him). Someone who makes a stand, helps in making the Islamic community a better community. Someone who is seen enthusiastic enough to help with the troubles of the Ummah.

And you ask me why Im not married yet? This is why.

I Miss My Sisters

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

This might just become a routine -- you know, writing (more like venting) before bed. The last 2 posts that have the word 'bed' in it were written via my iphone. But this time, Im writing with my laptop.

Four days from now, two of my sisters are coming home from overseas. And I can't wait! The last time Aliya was home was the end of last year, Aimi has been in Japan for approx 4 months.

Im feeling a wee bit emotional this night. I want my sisters. I need my sisters :(

The news I got from my supervisor at around 4pm has just got to me. I kept my cool when she told me, but its been eating my heart out bit by bit since petang tadi. And now, when Im alone (everyone else dah tido), the emotions Ive been repressing has finally found its way out. And I need a long hard hug.


How wonderful it would be to become a child again, innocent, young and free of problems.

I miss my sister.

Like my post in FB, Ive had my fair share of disappointments this year. In fact, not just this year, for the last two years. Lots of crying myself to sleep, lying awake thinking in the dark, private crying sessions, private therapy sessions with myself, private crying sessions with Allah. Its been a tough 2 years.

Tests and tests of patience and strength, one after the other. Disappointments, failure, rejection, another disappointment, bad news here and there, another failure, more lost hope.

Don't be fooled with my smiles. You don't know how I actually feel inside, what Im going thru. And my way of venting is just thru this lonely blog of mine. And noticing how rarely I write, it goes to show how rarely I get to vent out.

And yet, we are taught to never loose hope with Allah's Rahmah, His Love and His Barakah. What He makes us go thru are tests of our Iman, reminders for us, for me.

During the course of these couple of years, there may have been times when I forgot about Allah. Times where I forget to be grateful, times where I forget to doa, times where I take things for granted.

My life is not perfect, I am not perfect. I miss my sister. I miss talking to someone and just cry my heart out. I miss sharing my heartache, my problems and my faults without any judgement. I miss my sister.

Im sad with the news I got today. Yes, really sad. But that's what Allah destined it to be. He wants me to work harder, to earn what I want. And I will InsyaAllah. I am sad, but life moves on. Time doesnt wait for us. It doesnt wait for us to heal, to get back on our feet, to stop moping around. It moves on no matter what.

I guess, I just need good news for a change.

But I still miss my sister..

Forgiving Before Bed

Assalamualaikum wrt wbt

Im writing another post right before bed. Just think I need to get it off my chest before I can actually sleep, eventhough the time is already a quater past 12.

Im so angry at someone. My day today was exciting, lots of things happened that made me smile and laugh. Business was good, went to the lab, spent the whole day sorting everything out. Came back home to my favorite sitcom and smilled during breaking fast. Everything was doing great until I got this sms from someone.

Eventhough the person who sent me the sms has no fault in the matter, its not her fault. Its another 'her' thats making steam come out of my ears.

How DARE she try to twist things around. How DARE she pin this on me. How DARE she make me look like the guilty one. Right now Im so angry that I dont care that this might be happening bcos of her unstable hormons. I dont CARE. Why? Bcos she's been giving excuses topped up with more excuses, as if she is the ONLY person who has important things going on in her life. So what if ur married, so what? That is NOT a reason. Its an excuse, and uve been using it so many times that its becoming like a broken record.

Yes, Im pissed. And yes, my letting off steam like this might leassen my pahala puasa for today. But Im still angry. And I cant go to sleep like this.

No matter what other ppl say, Im staying away from her for a while. Ive been trying so hard to understand her situation, I volunteered to help out numerous times, I covered for her, and this is how she repays me? This is what I get from her? Accusations? Now Im beginning to regret it.

Ya Allah give me the patience to get thru this, give me the feeling of sincerity once more, let me be ikhlas in my amal, in my sacrifices and in my dakwah work. Strengthen our bond of ukhuwwah, and make those whom have run away from this path realise their mistakes and come back to You. Help us all thru this, especially me. Me who sometimes forget that I am no one without Your Rahmah. Let us be sincere in our journey and stronger thru the tribulations You put us thru.

Ameen Ya Rabb

I need time. Please give it to me

You cant blame me for crying. You cant blame me for being sad and heartbroken. No matter how strong people think I am, Im not.

I know myself for being someone who is bad at accepting defeat. Im terrible at it. And I take such a long time to recover from it. So after receiving such a heartbreaking email today, it confirmed a few things that have been my fears for such a long time. Im not worth it. I dont deserve it.

I came home today from a programme feeling so rejuvenated, full of enthusiasm. But such sad news brought me right back down, After trying so hard to get my confidence back, it comes crumbling back down.

I dont know what else to ask from you Ya Allah. Maybe all this is my fault. I know it is. Please forgive me for all my short comings. Its because of who I am and what I have done in the past that has me feeling so humbled this night.

Im praying it rains the whole week, so that people wont notice when I cry in the rain.

So please everyone, let me be for a while. I need space to try to recover from this. Dont ask questions, dont try to include me in a conversation, because I dont think I'll a very good listener when Im suffering inside.

I might be absent for a while. So please dont expect any posts for some time.

Ya Allah, help me go thru this. Please.

"Get OUT of my CLASS!"

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Today was one of the worst experience in teaching I have ever faced. Today, my patience was tested again. But today, I lost the battle.

This week is the last week of teaching. That is for us, the 'teaching assistants'. There are only 2 more weeks of classes, but we have to stop this week due to some payment issues (I wont talk about that). So the other 2 weeks, the students are supposed to concentrate on their assignments and one week of study week.

Ive always told you that I have three classes to teach. One on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Im writing this post because of the events that happened in the Tuesday class.

Oh my God! I am so angry! And pissed off and heartbroken! This post is a venting session, personally for me so that I can get it out of my system. So please bare with me.

This Tuesday class has always been a problem. Since the very beginning. Never taking things seriously, never wanting to cooperate. Ive had to tahan sabar so many times. But I was able to get thru it. Today was a whole different story.

I was so happy to enter this last class for this semester. So being the person I am, I bought a Good Luck cake just to make the students a little motivated and a little happy before their tough final exams. It wasnt that expensive, but its the thought that counts.

So I went into class with no plan to teach, I just wanted to give them the cake, ask them about their preparations for exams and give out a few pointers. Other than that, I selit2kan a few nasihat sini sana.

Everyone was happy and laughing. Joking around, asking questions. Except for this one kid.

Arghh! Just thinking about it makes me want to scream my head off!

I was talking, addressing the whole class. Want to know what he did? He pasang lagu kuat2. I stopped a bit, and asked him to slow it down for a while. So he did.

Then a student asked some questions, yada yada yada. As I was answering, do you know what he did? He increased the volume of the song! YaAllah, org lain semua tengah dengar what I was saying, yang die ni pegi pasang lagu kuat2 even AFTER I asked him to slow it down NICELY. Twice!

YaAllah.. I was speechless! What kind of person is this? It was only 2 more minutes before I went out of the class. Including that time, it was the 3rd time he did that. IF he didnt want to listen to me talking, all he needed to do was get out of the class!

So when that happened, I stopped and looked at him with astonishment on my face. I couldnt believe what was happening. First came astonishment, then came hurt, then came anger. The rest of the class watched on.

And as I was reminded of all the times he was rude to me, my anger increased. So I shouted. The first time ever in class. You cant imagine the anger and hurt I felt. The only thing I was trying to do was help these kids. Help them learn, and pass their exams. But not one ounce of gratitude came from this particular kid.

IF he didnt want to learn, IF he didnt want to listen to me, then just get out of my CLASS! Argh!! I was so angry. I think my exact words were"
"Kalau taknak dengar akak cakap, get out of this class! NOW!"

Everyone in class went silent.

I was too angry by then. Those who know me will know what happened next. When Im too angry, and I shout. I always cry afterwards. I just cant contain my tears of anger. So rather than embarrass myself in front of the class, I went out.

But seriously, I was so angry. The least he could have done was sit at the back and browse the internet. Ni tak, kacau everyone else who wanted to learn. That was why I was so angry. If he wanted to fail this class, itu die punye pasal la. But no, he WANTS people to know he is protesting. He WANTS people to know that he is rebelling.

He has this attitude which needs to be broken. An egoistic attitude which will always bring him down no matter what he tries to do in life. Mark my words, he wont go anywhere acting all egoistic and rebellious like that.

So now these kids (I call them kids bcos if I call them adults -- which they should be -- it will make this seem so immature) are trying to gain my forgiveness. You can see it in my FB page. I dont mind the rest. They're good kids. Although some of them are naughty, they are not rude. So I have nothing against them. Some of them are just angels. I wish them the best of luck and pray for their success on earth and in their afterlife.

BUT this particular kid.. urgh! He's in danger of me not forgiving him.

Why Dont You Care?

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Such a beautiful song! Dedicated to all the Mujahids fighting for their Freedom. Our prayers are always with you!



After listening to Maher Zain's new single, rasa mcm sayu je. We've been listening to all sorts of news about what has been happening in the middle east, first with Egypt, then Libya, Lebanon, and so many more. During the demonstrations in Egypt, I always find myself sitting in front of the TV at 12 to 1 in the morning, just to see what was on the news. I can't express the feeling of pride seeing the Egyptians fighting as one, praying as one and helping each other for one purpose -- their country's freedom from oppression. Their unity, strong will and their trust in Allah's help were what made them reach their goal.

Now, looking at the situation in Libya, makes a grown man fall to his knees and cry. If you don't even have an ounce of sympathy and empathy, then there's something wrong. If you don't even know what's going on, then you should be ashamed of yourselves. You call yourselves Muslims, but dont even care what happens to your fellow brothers and sisters?

And hold fast, all together, by the rope which Allah (stretches out for you), and be not divided among yourselves; and remember with gratitude Allah's favor on you; for you were enemies and He joined your hearts in love, so that by His Grace, you became brethren; and you were on the brink of the pit of Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus do Allah make His Signs clear to you: That you may be guided.

(Al-E-Imran, 103)

With the rising of freedom demonstrations across the Arab land, I ask myself about our situation in Malaysia.

I dont know how to explain the feeling inside my chest. All around the world, our brothers and sisters are fighting for their freedom to practice Islam. Yet here, many of us are still unaware of what is happening. Most of our community are too busy with their own lives, their own pursue of what they think is happiness, and their effort of satisfying their own desires.

Around the world, Muslims are being killed for their faith. Here, many just admit being Islam, but never feel the need to practice it. Its so sad. People are being killed for just being born. Here, many dont appreciate the freedom given to us.

Its so sad seeing my own people pretending to be what they are not, being lost in their own understanding of living life. Comparing what they think are success in life, without even thinking about the afterlife.

Some say about 'not being ready' to practice Islam. Not being ready to cover aurat. Not being ready to sujud 5 times a day. What is that? When will you be ready? Sometimes I feel like slapping them in the face and giving them a reality check. But only Allah has the right to give hidayah. Our job is to 'invite' them along, praying to be in Jannah together.

I heard a talk about Palestine the other day. One story that really stuck with me was the one told by Ustaz Hasanuddin (Director of Aqsa Syarif). During his voyage on Mavi Marmara, bringing aid and supplies to the people of Gaza. As they stopped in Turkey, loading supplies onto the ship. After all the supplies were bought and loaded, with the money left in everyone's pockets, each person used their last dime to buy sweets and chocolates for the children of Gaza, in hope that while the adults were busy with the supplies, they will be able to entertain the small children with treats. Just seeing them smile amidst the war and suffering they face everyday, would be so rewarding.

When the yahud laknatullah came and took over the ship, Ustaz told us how the soldiers just stepped on those treats. I cried during this story. It was so sad. I cried of sadness and of anger.

Ive had first hand experience dealing with children who were victims of flooding. The joy in their faces when people came to visit bringing treats, it's priceless. Such a satisfaction in making such innocent faces become bright with smiles of joy. Even that brought me to tears. Apetah lagi these small innocent children in Gaza.

Which is why, sometimes I feel so angry with our own people who don't think of others except for themselves. Individualistic people who only do things if it benefits them or will gain something in return.

We live in one world, a world we share, a world were everyone needs everyone else. Islam teachers us that all of us are brothers. Islam tells us to be united.

So my question is, do you know what's happening to the world today? Or are you just too busy living your life to the fullest? Tepuk dada tanya Iman.

Mon ami

Aku tahu la aku jauh.

I know Im practically the farthest away, but it hurts when people dont tell me stuff and only know months after wards. From another source pulak tu.

The saddest news was that one of my friends got married and tak bgtahu langsung. Ape tah lagi jemput. Takde sape pun kawan2 kite yg die jemput. Sedih giler la. Dah la rapat since awal2 diploma.

Apela nk jadi ngan kawan aku sorang ni. Kenape la die menjauhkan diri dari semua org.

I hope you're happy Fairuz. Best of luck to you and your new wife.

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By the way, mon ami means my friend in French.