Reflection

So, after a couple of weeks feeling like crap, Ive finally gotten hold of myself. Alhamdulillah.

Please forgive my earlier ramblings and self pity posts that have gotten some of the ppl close to me very worried. I have to admit that it really took a toll on me and deeply affected me. So thank you for worrying and wanting to help anyway possible.

Uswah called me today. She said that she felt "guilty" coz she was so far away to talk to. Now Im feeling guilty for making her feel guilty. Uswah, you shouldnt feel guilty la. Hehe. But thank you SO much for calling. Terharu sangat.

To all my other friends whom have conveyed their worries, thank you, thank you so much. Although I never actually told them whats going on, but I very much appreciate their concern. I was feeling terrible about myself and about the reasons why I felt that way.

And of course to Aliya. My sister and best friend. Sorry sbb me suruh you call from so far away. That must have cost a fortune! But thank you for doing it anyway.

I'd very much like to convey my deepest appreciation to a good friend of mine who knows when to slap me when I need a good wake up call. Im not sure I would have gotten out of this emotional turmoil if not for this friend. Thanks Kay. Although you dont read my blog, Im saying thanks in here anyway. Haha.

After talking to Kay, it made me somewhat feel like a pathetic little princess crying her heart out coz she couldnt get what she wanted. That was harsh, but in a little odd way, I think that was how the situation actually stood.

I have to admit that nothing had me feeling so pathetic before. Oh okey, that might be a little wrong. The last time I felt like this was when I broke up with a someone. Hahahha.. Im not gonna bring that one up anytime soon, but yeah, it was bad. But that was different. This time around, it concerns my future.

Some people would say that you've got to keep strong and keep on fighting. That we should count our blessings and be patient with whatever comes our way. Although all of these advices are very true, I have to keep a firm stand when saying "you have to go thru it yourself to fully understand how hard and painful the situations really are".

Why dont you try to go thru what Ive been thru, and try to be strong. Then Ill ask you how you would feel when someone tells you that straight in your face, when in fact they dont even know whats going on. Then tell me u dont feel irritated and feel like you wanna slap them. Being patient when tribulations come ur way is something you have to work on. It doesnt come easily as we say it. It takes hard and tiring work.

There's a saying "It is in times of crisis where true character is revealed". I asked Kay about this. Does this mean that Im bad dealing with crisis? Does the crisis include situations under pressure, emotional turmoils only or what? Coz if this is true, I suck under pressure. Does this mean Im a terribly weak person inside? What does "times of crisis" really mean?

Ive always believed that I make good decisions under pressure, that I try to see all the positive sides of a problem before deciding how to continue. Ive always thought that I am a fighter, that I handle problems faced my way with logical thinking and faith. But somehow or rather, this was not how I dealt with this problem.

Its very confusing. And worrying. Have I gone all weak or something?

But then I remembered what my counsellor at Uni told me once when I came to her with problems concerning handling people. I was holding many posts back then and I broke down coz I felt that I couldnt handle it. She told me that everyone has weak moments. There are sometimes phases where we feel really really down with no apparent reason, no matter who or what post you hold. We are just human beings with feelings that go up and down just like our Iman. Sometimes we feel confident and brush off any harsh statements shouted our way. But other times, we are suddenly extremely sensitive that even someone accidentally bumping into you will take a toll on you. You might feel that they did that on purpose or something.

And she said that people with a strong faith will always bounce back to their old self with time. Some take a very short time to heal, others longer, depending on what they are faced with. But this does not mean that we are weak. Its just that each problem is different and that people handle them in different ways. Being strong isnt forcing oneself not to cry if someone dear passes away. Being strong means that you take the time to heal and then bounce back when you are ready. The important thing is to bounce back. Ppl who are not strong will keep being in one emotion without any desire to change it.

So no, Im not weak. I dont want to be labeled as a weak person. But I have weak moments. Everybody does. Its a part of being human. Its a part of learning. It is also a process of being a good Muslim.

My Naqibah once said that "A Journey of a Muslim will not be a smooth one. It will be filled with tribulations and all sorts of problems. If our life is all serene and peaceful, then we are not good at doing our responsibility as a good Muslim. The problems Allah faces us with are to remind us of Him and to give us pahala for handling them. The tougher the problems, the bigger reward we will gain when we face them with a strong faith."

So Alhamdulillah. Thank You Allah for facing me with this situation. I know that what Im going thru is what is best for me. That its a lesson for me and to make me into a better person inside and out.

And guys, Im fine now. Thank you. Although I still dont know what to do next, Im getting there. I need to sit alone, meditate and think about my future. All I need is all your prayers.