I'm Back!

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

After 2 years leaving the blogging world, Im finally back. Its been a while, and one of the biggest reason I didnt write was because the blog didnt look great -- which of course affects the mood. So finally after such a long time, I just sat down and put some effort into it.

So this is my official announcement. For loyal readers who are reading this, thank you so much for sticking with me. You guys are the best! *perasan mode on* For new comers, welcome welcome. I hope you get if not a lot, even a bit of something to take back home.

The blog looks a little more girly girl. Haha. Yeah, well.. I have no excuse. Must be the age.

Hope everyone is fasting their 6 days of Syawal. Till my next post.

Because Allah Loves Us

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Ramadhan is finally here! This year I feel different with the coming of Ramadhan. It may be an age factor. Haha. I wasn’t able to appreciate Ramadhan so much in my younger years, but as you grow up, and your ilm has increased, you know a lot more of the teachings of Islam, you’ll begin to see the specialty and uniqueness, as well as the opportunity Allah has given us through the Holy month of Ramadhan.

With the coming of this missed month, I would like to share some points and knowledge I have gained through my years of learning. Today, I’d like to share about Lailatul Qadr

Allah SWT said:
We have indeed revealed it (Quran) in the Night of Power (1) And what can make you know what is the Night of Power? (2) The Night of Power is better than a thousand Months (3) The angels and the Spirit (Jibril) descends therein by the permission of their Lord for every matter (4) Peace it is until the rise of dawn (5)
[Surah Al Alaq: 1-5]

If you look at the discussions between humans, the questions about Lailatul Qadr is always WHEN. When is it? “It’s on the odd days of the end of Ramadhan.” “No, its on one of the even days” “I think its on the 27th of Ramadhan” “No its not.”

Well, these types of discussion are endless and a waste of time because no one knows when Lailatul Qadr is. Allah made it that way, so you do not have to question and guess. The most important thing you should do it use the 10 last days of Ramadhan to the fullest. If you utilise each day, insyaAllah you will not miss it.

Allah SWT says:

“We have indeed revealed it (Quran) in the Night of Power (1)”

Lailatul Qadr a night of barakah. Is it blessed because Quran came down? Or because it was always blessed so the Quran came down? I heard a talk by Sheikh Nouman Ali Khan and he said that Lailatul Qadr was always a blessed night, therefore Al Quran came down. It became more noble and dignified by the Quran.

But the question you might be asking is, “wasn’t Al Quran brought down bit by bit thru wahyu to Rasulullah s.a.w?” Yes it was. Al Quran was brought down over 23 years during the life of Rasulullah. An opinion by Ibnu Abbas is that Allah sent the Quran down from Luh Mahfuz down thru the 7 heavens. And from there, it was brought down by Jibril to Rasulullah bit by bit based on a question, an issue, an incident, a problem that was faced by Rasulullah s.a.w and the Muslimin.

Allah SWT says:

“And what can make you know what is the Night of Power? (2)”

What is Lailatul Qadr? Qadr is translated as the night of “Power”. It is also a night of appreciation.

Have you ever heard the story of the sahabah quarrelling about when Lailatul Qadr is? Well, they did quarrel and because of these quarrels, Allah made Rasulullah forget the exact day of Lailatul Qadr. Again, when is not important. It’s the “what”. So Allah asks us in surah Al Qadr, “Do you realise how amazing Lailatul Qadr is?” Ofkos we don’t know, so Allah tells us.

The one who really appreciates Allah, they will find the appreciation of Allah on this night. Those who don’t appreciate Allah, will sleep thru it. So in which category are we? Are we among those who really appreciate Allah and are among those who are grateful? Or we say we are but we don’t make an effort at all? Tepuk dada tanya Iman.

Rasulullah s.a.w was with Saidina Ali r.a one day. They were in the masjid and there was a Bedwin sleeping. It was nearing the time of Solah, so Rasulullah s.a.w asked Ali to go wake him up. Ali went to do as told, but he was surprised because Rasulullah would never pass doing a good deed.

So Ali asked the Messenger about it. Rasulullah said, “If I tried to wake him up and he brushed me aside, it would be great sin. It was an act of mercy”.

The same thing can be related to the knowledge of Lailatul Qadr. There is a hikmah of not knowing. It’s good that we don’t know because if we know when it is every year, and we still do not appreciate it, can you just imagine what kind of trouble and how big a sin we would be in? Therefore, Allah not telling us when Lailatul Qadr is, is an act of mercy.

Allah Taala says:

 "The Night of Power is better than a thousand Months (3)"

The deeds and ibadah you do on this night will be equivalent to more than the deeds you do in 1000 months. Ya Allah, how awesome is that? If you think logically, the lifespan of people nowadays is what..? 70? 80? If we use Rasulullah's lifespan of 63 years. 1000 months is more than double of that!

Allah is giving us the opportunity to increase our pahala on this special night that you can't even do in one lifetime. Can you imagine 10 yeards of getting Lailatul Qadr? It will be a millenium of pahala! MashaAllah! So why are we wasting this opportunity?

Based on the opinion of the ulama', an interpretation of "khair" in ayat 3 is on good deeds and ibadah, but also be seen as Barakah with the things you do on that day. If that night and that day is a day of Barakah, we should take the opportunity to do a lot of things we have been putting aside.

I heard this from a talk I listened to a while back. If we have a certain friend that we had a quarrel with, a friend that we havent talked to in a while. Or maybe a family member that we are not in good terms with, or someone we did wrong to and need to apologise to, then we should do it on this night. Take a chance, insyaAllah with the Barakah Allah is bestowing on the earth, only good will come out of it.

I found this very inspiring. I will try and do this. Yes, ofkos I have people whom I have deliberately stopped talking to. May Allah forgive my many weaknesses. I will try and rekindle the relationship insyaAllah. (Please pray that I am sincere and I get to do this)

The next ayat Allah says:

“The angels and the Spirit (Jibril) descends therein by the permission of their Lord for every matter (4)”

In the Quran, Allah mentioned angels all the time. But in this ayat, Allah mentions the angles AND Jibril. During this nobel and special night, not only to the malaikat (angels) come down, but also Jibril! Jibril, the one who brought down Al Quran, the one who brought down wahyu to Rasulullah s.a.w is also descending. So it is a big deal.

In the ayat, Allah says, Jibril and the angels will descend with the permission of their Lord/Master. From the tafsir given by Sheikh Nouman Ali Khan, he said that the angels are all eager and desperate to come meet the believers! They cannot wait to meet and greet the believers.

The eagerness is the same as the eagerness to meet a celebrity. Just imagine one celebrity/artist/singer/football player/professor/ulama or anyone you really respect and hold in high regard, you admire and you really want to meet. Just imagine that you have the chance to meet them. How would you feel?

Who? Tom Hiddleston? Christiano Ronaldo? Dr Morsi? Ismail Haniyeh? Angelina Jolie? Who? You really really like them, you really really admire them, you really really want to meet them, get an autograph, take pictures with them.

Ha, that is exactly how the angels feel towards the Mu’minin. They admire the Mu’minin so much that they ask Allah’s permission to go and see them. Can you imagine that? They hold the Mu’minin on such high regard, but are we as Muslims worthy of such respect? We have to ask ourselves this. Tepuk dada tanya Iman. Are we worthy? Have we done enough to be seen as celebrities? Are our amal ibadah enough? Have we been a good servant to Allah Taala? The angels have no sins and are pure. What about us? It was like a huge slap on the face when I heard this. Ya Allah.

The last ayat of the Surah, Allah says:

"Peace it is until the rise of dawn (5)"

There are a lot of opinions from the Ulama', and none of them are wrong. Compared to us, we do not have the knowledge to interpret the Quran, therefore we will have to base our understanding on the Ulama' (the knowledgeable). Among the opinions of the Ulama' as mentioned by Sheikh Nouman:

1. Peace in this ayat means absolutely no evil whatsoever. Each decision is peace. On other nights, there might be punishments, violence, but this night is entirely peaceful.

2. During this night no human can embark in an evil task (Mujahid r.a)

3. It is the night of peace because the angels are constantly saying salam to the people of the Masjid. They pass every single Mu'min and say "peace be upon you"

4. The battalion  of angels descend at once and go into every Masjid, every single Mu'min, say salam and leave a doa behind. Just imagine their long descent, their long journey to earth just to give salam. It is such an honour to the believers on this night. (Ibnu Kathir)

Out of the four opinions, all bring the same message - that Lailatul Qadr is a very very very special night that is peaceful and has a lot of benefits for those who care enough to find out and use it. On this special night, the angels will be all around us, giving salam and leaving their doa. The Malaikat are racing, grabbing every opportunity to meet the Muslimin and say a prayer.

So what are we doing? Layak ke kite dalam doa para Malaikat?

May Allah preserve our Iman and increase it day by day. But my dear friends, it is us who have to seek knowledge on how to increase our Iman. Allah leads you to it, but it is us who have to make the choice. Changing is a choice.

In my research, I have learned that the learning process is proven with the change in action and attitude. Therefore, if there is no change, then the learning process has not happened. Which means what? That you have not learned.

Being ignorant is also a choice. With the availability of knowledge so easily today, there is no longer an excuse, especially to those who have internet. To increase our Iman, we must increase our Amal. To increase our Amal, we must have a strong foundation of Aqidah. Because doing amal ibadah without Aqidah is what syaitan strives for. That is why the feeling of ibadah being a 'burden' arises. So please go and seek knowledge. The RIGHT knowledge from the RIGHT people. Being ignorant is no longer an excuse.

Let's all strive to become better Muslims with this Ramadhan. Start now. Ramadhan is a month of forgiveness and barakah. Use it.

May everyone gain Lailatul Qadr this Ramadhan. Ameen Ya Rabb.

Something Called Usrah

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

What is Usrah? Read on to find out :)

Allah Taala said in Surah Al Alaq:
“…Sujud and come close to Allah.”

(Al Alaq: 19)

We want to be close to Allah, to feel His love. But how?

One of the methods to keep close to Allah is thru Usrah. It is constant, it helps you to be istiqamah. Usrah from one point of view is a way to maintain your level of Iman, and in the same time increase it. And by having constant reminders, new knowledge from the Al-Quran and Hadith, insyaAllah He will keep us on the Siratul Mustaqim.

So Usrah is great for you. If you only knew.

My question to you is, when was the last time you actually sat and concentrated in learning about your religion? Some might answer high school, some of those more fortunate would say, I had a subject in uni.

But again, how is 5 years learning "pendidikan Islam" in high school enough? We were barely adults then. We were small, young and naive. No ounce of maturity at all. We didn’t know better. Do you really remember what you learnt?

Usually after every Usrah, you'll get this refreshing feeling, like a new beginning, a new start with your Iman tank full of enthusiasm. That's what I feel after my Usrah session. It's very hard to explain the feeling you get with Usrah. I love the Usrah group I am in now. Going to Usrah for as long as I can remember, changing Naqibah, changing groups, getting new group members, having member being changed to other groups -- its been a great journey.

You'll get a lot of different feelings -- from being reluctant to attend, being too lazy, too tired, and giving excuses. But later, it changes to waiting patiently each week to meet up, feeling like the discussions during Usrah being too short, feeling that the discussion you have during Usrah so interesting that you don't want to stop, having the feeling of love and ukhuwwah with your group mates that you pray really hard you will be reunited in Jannah, having the feeling of wanting to help them however you can, and share all the ilmu you have with everyone in the group so that we'd all be able to spread it to others too. I have been thru every feeling you can think of, either it be negative or positive.

I should admit that there was a time where I disliked my usrah group (I’ve changed groups a couple of times now), and I really didn't like to attend. I found myself finding every excuse under the sun for not going -- Im not feeling well, I have a family matter, I have an office matter, my friends are here, etc etc.

But later you will realise that attending Usrah is like a lifeline. It’s like a time and place you refill your fuel (Iman) with reminders and Islam for your journey. So, no matter how much you might dislike the methods of your Naqibah, or you dislike a few members of your Usrah group, you still go because you know it's a necessity for you. For your own Iman, for your own Akhirat.

During my undergrad studies, there was a time I stopped going altogether. During that time, you'd think you're strong enough, you'd think you have enough ilmu on Islam, you'd think your basics in Islam is enough, and you'd think that listening to online lectures is enough to refuel your Iman. But my dear friends, its not enough. You need maintenance.

As the days past without attending Usrah and having people remind you about Allah Taala, you will start diverting from the right concepts. Your hijab/tudung start to become shorter, you start changing your principles bcoz it suits your needs at the time, you start thinking about unimportant stuff like fashion, you start reading really weird books, fashion magazines, attend events that you would have never thought of before. You start to loosen you boundaries, your amal is decreasing, and your ibadah start to become insincere.

Without your friends to guide you, without reminders from the Quran, Hadith and Sirah, without support from friends, without having a support group to help you better yourself, and a group of friends who practice biah solehah, you will in the end divert and crash on the side of the road.

I felt that once. You will feel different and feel like you are so far from Allah Taala. But that feeling is your fault because Allah has never moved, He is still close by. But it's you who chose to step away.

But alhamdulillah, Allah brought me back into this Biah Solehah. The ukhuwwah, the ilmu, the reminders, the amal and ibadah we do together, the meeting with the intention of remembering Allah Taala. It becomes a majlis ilmu that insyaAllah is surrounded by the angels who are praying for us.

However, you need a lot of things in order to obtain knowledge. Going to Usrah isn't an easy thing to do. The ease and enjoyment comes over time. Here are two important things you will need to understand:

1. Sacrifice

You need to make a bunch of sacrifices. You will have to choose either you want to watch your favourite TV series, play with your kids, indulge in your hobbies, finish doing work from the office, do overtime because you want extra money, OR putting all those aside for one specific night for just a few hours to concentrate on refreshing your Iman.

These sacrifices are not easy. I speak from experience. But once you realise its importance, it will no longer become a sacrifice. It will be something you look forward to every single week.

2. Sincerity

You will need to be sincere in your quest to increase your Iman thru gaining knowledge. Usrah is not a class, but a “family” that sits down together and talk. We talk about issues, we talk and share about interpretations of Allah’s Holy Book, and we talk about the Sunnah and akhlak of Rasulullah S.A.W. We talk about how to increase our ibadah, we talk about our family, our husbands, our children and how to make our household into a house with strong foundations of Islam. Summarizing it all, we talk, discuss and take action on how to obtain Allah’s Redha and be reunited in Jannah together. We strive to become Soleh Wa Musleh. Become good and invite others to be good too.

Sincerity is important because being sincere makes the heart free of prejudice. Be sincere in wanting to change to become someone better and Allah will be there to help you every step of the way. Allah’s help will come in the form of the people around you. The company you keep will help you strive to become a better Muslim, together. Be sincere in helping others, and be sincere and willing to be helped.

---

Through years of going to Usrah, and now having a few groups of usrah under my care, I learnt a few things. We must always be husnuzon (think positive) towards our Naqibah (naqibah is the leader of the group). And as a naqibah, I also must be husnuzon towards those under my care.

I have also learnt that as a person who attends usrah (I have an usrah I go to every week under my own naqibah, and I have a few groups where I am the naqibah), I must always renew my niat whenever I attend my usrah. And as a naqibah, I must always renew my niat too.

Another thing to remember is Allah’s ayat in surah Ar Rad: 11

Allah SWT said:

"For each (such person) there are (angels) in succession, before and behind him: They guard him by command of Allah. Verily never will Allah change the condition of a people until they change it themselves (with their own souls). But when (once) Allah willeth a people`s punishment, there can be no turning it back, nor will they find, besides Him, any to protect."

(Ar Rad: 11)

Allah will not change you if you yourself do not have the effort to change. It is a matter of choice. Whatever you do on this world is your own making, your own decision. Going to usrah? Not going to usrah? Again, it is your choice. If you really want to go, you are sincere, and you have put in an effort, then Allah will insyaAllah ease your passage. But if deep down in your heart, you don't really want to go, then Allah will give you a reason not to go.

For those who really want the chance to feel what usrah is, feel the nikmah of ukhuwwah and be constant in their effort to become a better Muslim, then please inform me. Tell me and I can help you however I can. I have friends who attend usrah all around Malaysia. If you are Malaysians studying overseas, InsyaAllah I can help you too. Where there is a will, Allah will always find a way.

May Allah ease everyone reading this post. And may Allah reward you the opportunity to celebrate this coming Ramadhan.

Wallahu a'lam Bissawab

I Am Unworthy

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Yesterday was a funny day. I'm not sure how to tell you about it, but I will try.

The day started like any other day. I was feeling rather unproductive at the office, maybe because the undergrad students in our building have finished their exams, so it's rather quiet here.

As the day progressed, I received a message from one of my friend's mother on FB. We were chatting and suddenly she said something that made me stop multi-tasking (I was actually on my laptop doing some reading). She said to me "Thank you for being best friends with my daughter".

I was taken aback. Ya Allah. Never in my life have I ever had anyone's mother say that to me. Ya Allah. I was speechless. She really doesn't know how much I appreciate her daughter's friendship. It's a friendship that I value very much. A friendship that I will bring wherever I am, till Jannah insyaAllah.

And then she started saying prayers for me and gave me a bunch of heartwarming advice. Thank you makcik. It is so beautiful how Allah sends you people who remind you of Him out of the blue. People who remind you to keep Allah close and remind you how the tribulations Allah makes you go thru is His way of showing His love for you.

I was very moved with what she said to me.

Then I contacted my bestie to tell her what her mother said to me. And I got another heart stopping moment. She told me about how her mother always asks about me, and what her mother said about me. I had tears in my eyes. Ya Allah. I cannot believe the beautiful hearts the people around me have. I left so loved. Ya Allah, please bless them.

But it made me sit down and think.

Later in the day, the whatsapp group that consist of a bunch of girlfriends from high school started being really active. Message after message. My phone was vibrating like crazy, so I picked it up to see what the conversation was about. As everyone was joining in the conversation, the group came to life. We rarely have stuff to talk about, but yesterday was a blast.

As I was suggesting a reunion for Eid, we were trying to decide on the location. Since most of friends from my batch are in the Klang Valley, I suggested that we do the get together in KL rather than in JB (coz not many of us are left here -- which is what I said.) Then one of my friends said something that also startled me.

It was along the lines of "In JB there is You who is Qawiyy. Someone who is equivalent to all of us here".

Ya Allah.

It made me stop in my tracks again and I felt a tremble deep in my heart. It made me suddenly feel tearful.

Ya Allah, I am not as good as they think I am. It made me think about myself and about how much I need to change and improve. Some people might like being praised, but Ya Allah I am scared of those praises.

I am afraid because I know I am not like what they said. I am scared Ya Allah.

These two events have deeply affected me. I don't know how to explain it. But I feel so disappointed with myself, and ashamed with Allah because He knows how I am, what I have been doing, either with sincerity or not, and with the right niat or not. Ya Allah, please forgive me.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about those praises. I am unworthy.

Ya Allah please forgive me. I need to add my tarbiyah, my amal, my ilmu, my ibadah and increase my Iman. I am unworthy. What is the use of being seen great by humans if Allah doesn't think the same thing? When in fact, how Allah sees and think of us is the most important.

It was like a hard slap in my face. A rude awakening and a reality check.
Thank you Allah, for this funny day.
Thank you Allah, for still loving me and remembering me.
Ya Allah, help me become one of the Ghuraba

Thank you for those who have kept me in their prayers. What happened to me today might be a result of the sincerity of your prayer. May Allah bless you and reward you with Jannatul Firdaus. Ameenn

From Retainers to a Book!

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

This all started about two days ago. I was brushing my teeth, looking at myself in the mirror and noticed a slight gap in my upper teeth. I found myself thinking, "Oh no, please dont tell me my painful years wearing braces are going to waste just because I havent been wearing my retainers."

Yup, I stopped wearing my retainers a while ago. And now I can practically SEE the outcome of it. Against the instructions of my dentist, I arrogantly stopped wearing them each night when I "saw" that my teeth were looking awesome -- Only those who have worn braces would understand because they know how it felt to have awful teeth before. And seeing them look great is just *sigh* wonderful.

And it hurts to wear them. I was supposed to wear them before going to bed. And each morning, my teeth would be so painful, that it makes we wonder what happens to my mouth during sleep. So I stopped wearing them.

After seeing the consequences of my stubbornness, I went around my room looking for my misplaced retainers -- looked in every zipped bag I used as either toiletry bags or medicine bags when I go travelling. Looked in every handbag that was still in my possession (coz most of them I've thrown away due to the straps being torn, or being well used, or those that are no longer fit to be used). As this was happening, like any other female (this is totally assumption by the way), you would go thru everything. Every note, every piece of paper, every book, every pockets, every card in the bags. For me, it would be the time to throw unused items and rubbish that has been in your bag for ages. Another thing I like to do it read EVERYTHING. Hahaha.

Can you see how unrelated the earlier story to how this all ended up? Hahha yup, how beautiful Allah works. From something really vain to something totally different!

I would call myself a sentimental person. I like to keep stuff that reminds me of something in particular. An event, a memory, a feeling. So there I was looking in bags, taking out note books, paper and reading them, flipping thru them. And I stumbled on a few old note books. They were my Usrah/Daurah/Katibah/Research/Class notebooks. Yup, all combined into one. Hahha.

Then -- it came to me. I should sort these all out! What a waste!

So Im doing a project. I took all the notebooks I have and Im doing to read thru them and rewrite them back in specific books. I found a lot of tazkirah notes from Usrah and Katibah. And ilmu notes from Daurah. But they are all mixed up. Rimas tengok.

I also had notes from a lot of leadership training which I think would be really useful when trying to come up with new modules. Oh wau, I found a treasure chest! Alhamdulillah.

Therefore, I would like everyone to help me with this project. I will be compiling these writings into books, therefore I would also like to make you a part of this special project. If you have this one special tazkirah or reminders that you found really touched your heart, that you really want to share because it brought a huge impact on your life, please come and share it with me so that I can put it into this book.

I plan to share this book to those who would like it -- It can be used for usrah, or just daily reminders.

We as Muslims are all encouraged to share our ilmu and keep reminding others and also ourselves.

So I would like to start this new project with everyone. Please share. It can just be a story or an experience you faced that make you reflect on your life. The sharing of ilmu is one of the things that will continue on so as long as someone is gaining manfaat from that particular ilmu. Just imagine the mountains of pahala you will be receiving just with this simple act of sharing knowledge.

However, please make sure if you use any hadith you check it's sources first. I will be doing some form of editorial work and facts checking. Even so, please be careful with what you share. We wouldnt want to share the wrong information now would we :)

By the way, I did finally find my retainers. Hehe.

Happy gaining pahala everyone!

Niat, Motivation and Distractions

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

I've been wanting to write for a couple of days now, but at home there's always something to do. Without a proper place for you to open your laptop except on your bed, it really makes you feel that it's too much of a hassle. And there's usually other things distracting you - laundry, dishes, clearing up the fridge, moping the floor, cleaning the stove, more laundry, folding clothes. Oh wau. Im not even married yet and I have tons to do! Especially when mak isnt around. Hehe.

For the past 4 years doing my PhD, the journey has been ups but mostly a lot of downs. As Im nearing the end of my journey, I feel much more enthusiastic. Can't wait to finish! But honestly, I have tons more to do *long sigh* You cannot imagine the workload Im supposed to be doing compared to what I have actually completed. Tons more I tell you! I havent reached the point of panicking just yet, but Im nearly getting there.

If you have been along with me throughout my journey, you will know that my downs were awful. And dealing with them were worst. But alhamdulillah, Im here today, still smiling.

Im writing this post because all around me, many friends and colleagues are just starting their journey. I've met a lot of people who I found out are starting their PhDs, thinking about it, or just wanting to do it. Alhamdulillah, may Allah guide them and ease their passage.

I felt compelled to write this, not to scare you. But with the purpose of preparing you what is to come when you actually do your PhD. I've been thru a lot, and I hope that my sharing will help others (especially those around me who are thinking or actually are doing their PhDs).

Niat
The number one thing you should have is The Right Niat

I used to have the wrong niat. Personally, I wanted to do my PhD because I wanted to become a lecturer. I wanted to become a lecturer coz I wanted to have lots of money and be able to travel the world like my father. I was naive enough to think that Allah would allow me this if I worked hard.

I also wanted to show people that Im capable. People used to question my education bcoz I didnt get good results to further straight to degree. I had to go thru diploma first, so I wanted to prove people wrong. It was like a personal goal I wanted to achieve to show people.

But as you can see, both niats were wrong right from the beginning. A year into my PhD, I started questioning myself. It is beautiful how Allah created Niat. The reason for doing something either a deed or an action will all change when you change your niat. If you started with the wrong niat, later when you realise your mistake, you will have the chance to alter it. The Messenger told us: "Innama A'malu bin Niat" Everything starts with Niat.

If your niat (intention) is good, then insyaAllah Allah will guide you and help you. If it is wrong, then Allah will make you realise it, reflect on it and change it. What a waste to do something without the right intention. Thats pahala just doing down the drain. Just imagine how you will be rewarded if you do something with the best of intentions.

My niat for furthering my studies were obviously wrong. It was all duniawi. It was selfish, thinking about myself, without thinking about my akhirat. It was also about "vengeance" in a form of wanting to win an invisible competition for status quo. There is a fine line between taking something as a motivation and being vengeful. And I had crossed the line. It was selfish, and Im ashamed to admit it.

But alhamdulillah, after a long time of self reflection, I changed my niat and found a bigger purpose. Why is this important? Well because PhD is hard. Really hard. And after 2 years into it, you will loose a lot of hope and a lot of motivation. You will be questioning yourself "why on earth am I doing this?" "why am I suffering myself through all this torment when I can just go about working?"

Oh yes, you will be going thru that, I assure you. So when you see clearly your reason to go thru this hard road, then insyaAllah it will give you the best form of motivation ever.

Allah SWT said:



"Read in the name of your Lord who created" (Al Alaq: 1)

This ayat was an introduction to Quran for humans. Read. The first revelation that Allah sent down to Rasulullah s.a.w. was the command to Read. Allah said Read, and Rasulullah did this command for 23 years.

READ. The start of any civilisation begins with reading. It begins with knowledge. In response to that command, the Muslims became the most educated civilisation in history -- Math Education, the developed University system as it exists today, and so many more. What really got to me was when I found out that the PhD system we have now was actually taken from the ijazah system in Islam.

Can you just imagine that? It made me think. Ya Allah, PhD is so hard but in Islam that is the standard of Ijazah (degree). I was astonished. Then later in the tafsir of the surah, we later see that Allah is commanding us to do research. Go find out things you know nothing of. Allah will teach you. Go study, go seek knowledge and understanding of Allah's creations. The system that we have today with the classes, lectures and a ton of spoon feeding comes from the Greek system. But in Islam, learning is a form of research, discovering and finding.

To do research, to seek knowledge and find the wonders of the world and humanity was the first command Allah asks us to do. So find your purpose, find your strength in Allah's ayats. Find your true niat and may Allah guide you the way.

Motivation
The second most important this you need is Motivation.

I used to think that I had high motivation. I was confident, secure with myself and believed that I could do this. But boy was I wrong.

When I say PhD is hard, I mean it. If you think PhD is simply reading journal papers, abstracting details of this and that, combining it together, testing it out and writing about the whole process -- then Im afraid you're in for a rude awakening. It is all that, but adding a few more things. The hardest thing that you are going to face is making decisions. Yes, you will need to read a lot. And by reading, you will notice how much you really dont know. The more you read, the more you find yourself not understanding. So you read some more. And understand even less!

I came to the point where I found myself not understanding one single thing, not being able to relate one thing to the other and thinking about how stupid I am. Yes, you will go thru this too. You will be overwhelmed by the stuff you found and you will have an even tougher time deciding which one to choose. This is where I faced the most difficulty.

It sounds petty, but you wont believe how many dozens of buckets of tears I cried myself. But I later realised, that is why seeking knowledge is a form of Jihad. It is hard. No one said it was going to be easy. And you also will realise from research that everyone goes thru it -- the learning curve. Although not everyone is comfortable going thru it, but insyaAllah Allah will help you when your niat is right.

This made me think about the saying "When a tree has fruit, its branches come down". The more you gain knowledge, the more humble you become. Because you realise that its not even 1/10 of the ilmu of Allah Taala. Which is why the most humble of people are the Ulama' (the knowledgeable).

You will need a great deal of motivation. A strong foundation of belief. Belief that Allah's plans are the best of plans (there is a reason why you were led to this path in life) and belief in yourself (that you can do this).

My tip: If you don't know if you are strong enough, make sure you have friends who will support you. Preferably who have gone thru or are going thru the same thing, because they totally get what you are feeling. Mine is Uswah. Thank you love. You've been there when I was at my worst. You brought me up and pushed me back on my own two feet. And I love you for that. You are my friend till Jannah!


Distractions
The third thing you must have is Distraction

Yes, this is important. Very much important. It can be anything you want. Some have their family, some have their husbands and children. Some have side businesses, some have hobbies, others have volunteer work.

There will come a time during your long study where you just want to get away, think about other things, leave your work at the office/library/etc. During this time, you need something as a distraction. And the best distraction is something that will bring benefit to you and the community.

I have a couple of distractions in my life right now. So Im juggling three things -- my studies, my volunteer work and my business. I have put aside my business for a while because I cant deal with too much on my plate. So now Im concentrating on studies and my dakwah work.

When I want to run away from the bunch of papers on my desk and the long list of books I have to read, I involve myself with my dakwah work. Going around spreading Islam.

When I feel stressed out, I design. Yup. It calms me down. Or I cook, or I do DIY craft. Yes, you need this. If not, you might go crazy.

------------------------------

Those are my three most important tips when embarking on this long and winding road. Even so, those are just a few. I have a ton more, but Im gonna leave you with just those for the time being. And again, this is not to scare anyone from pursuing their studies. Im just preparing you for what is in store.

When I look at the innocent enthusiastic young people excited on doing their PhD, I have mixed feelings -- one part I want to wish them the very best of luck along with prayers and words of encouragements. The other part I just wanna say "Oh yay! You're in for a treat!" *sarcasm* and "It's not as good and easy as you think its gonna be". Yup, definitely mixed feelings.

Best of luck everyone! :) And please pray for me.

Hard Truths About Myself

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Oh my. The last time I actually wrote here was nearly two years ago. I feel so ashamed. I've always fought about how blogging is therapeutic, yada yada yada. But huh. Even I havent had the time to blog.

I dont wanna use the advancement of technology as an excuse. Its too mainstream. I was just to lazy to do it. Technology does make humans lazy.

But somehow or rather, I suddenly remembered a post I once wrote years ago and wanted to see it again. Isn't it ironic how an event makes you remember things you've forgotten? Its like its as the back of your mind somewhere, then suddenly someone, something on an odd day you are reminded of it.

Today, a dear sister got married. Asma', one of my juniors who I really care about. I dont really remember how we got so close, but she is such a dear. You know the expression "loving someone for the sake of Allah"? Well, thats how I feel about her. She has a special place in my heart. I wish her all the best in her marriage and pray it will be happy till Jannah insyaAllah.

What made me suddenly decide to write again, was this very weird feeling that I got after I said goodbye to Asma' at her reception. I suddenly felt sad (sayu hati). As I was driving back to the office, I nearly choked up. I didnt understand this feeling, so Im writing about it in hope that I'll be able to identify the reason behind it.

The feeling that I got made me think about Sherlock. Haha I know right about now you might be saying "what? what does that have to do with it?" Hold on to your pants. Ok, so let me tell you.

For those who watched Sherlock the series, remember the time when Sherlock gave the best man speech? The time when he mentioned about he doesn't even understand how someone would consider him as a best friend. I dont know if its the same, but yeah.. its along the same lines.

Today, when I arrived at the ceremony, Asma was entertaining guests inside the hall. When she saw me, she looked so happy. Yes, I wouldnt have missed that look for the world. Alhamdulillah Asma'. Then after a while, she came all the way from the other side of the hall to our table. I didnt want to bother her because we were eating and she had a hall full of guests to say hi to. But she came to us and sat down next to me.

Then I shooed her away because she wanted to keep talking, but people were coming up to her to see her. When it came for our turn to take pictures with the bride and groom, she said "akak, kite ambik gambar kite berdua dulu". Then when I said, "Ok, panggil Sabiq" so that we could take pictures together, she introduced me as "Ni Kak Amirah, kakak super senior yang sangat osem".

I was super surprised. And terharu. I guess that's what made me suddenly choked up in the car. Someone actually thought of me that way.

You try your best when dealing with people. You try to be your most sincere. But at the same time, be a person who is assertive and stand by your principles. No one, and I mean no one has the right to tell you to change your principles. I am a person who will tell you the hard truth if you need to hear it. I am a person who will say "I dont like this" when I really dont like it, no matter who you are.

I also dislike people who do things sambil lewa. I guess my parents brought us up that way. We were consistently reminded that we should TRY our best. My parents dont really mind what results we got in our exams. As long as we tried. If we didn't try, then that's when they got angry. But if we tried, we studied, we showed some effort, yet we didnt get good results, then they didnt mind at all. We were not penalized for it, but were constantly reminded how Allah rewards our efforts, not our results.

Some would definitely consider me as a difficult person. I am difficult to handle, especially to those who have gotten on my nerves and doesnt show any sign of changing their attitude. It would be one of my goals to bombard them with hard truths as long as they are like that. This might be one of the reasons why people dont like me that much and are afraid of me.

You know when a situation is tough, and there's no one to just stand up and say "we have to stop doing this!"? Or a situation where no one wants to address the elephant in the room? Or when no one wants to really state the problem at hand in fear of hurting ones feelings? Yeah, Im usually that person. I think I've scratched a lot of egos along the way. But hey, what is so wrong in saying what is right? It's not like Im doing it minus the manners and akhlak. Its just that I'm putting aside the berkias-kias, or the fear of orang terasa sini terasa sana. Why not say the hard truths when its true and honest?

So yeah, some people fear me because Im like this.

Which is why I was so surprised when Asma' introduced me like that. I felt so.. I dont know what word to use. I used to question the reasons of people being friends with me. Some friends, I know the reason. Others, not so much. I question how good of a friend I am to others. Sometimes I feel that there is no benefit people befriending me. I feel like Im such a lousy friend.

But when she said that, I found myself thinking "I must have done something right. Alhamdulillah."

As time pasts, our live goals change, we change as people, we change in attitude and actions. We change in our hopes and dreams as we grow up. And when this happens, we find ourselves no longer having anything in common with some of our old friends. It's possible. I find that sometimes, when I hang out with my many group of friends, I don't know what to talk about, as if we have no longer anything in common.

But don't ever break a friendship that was once there. I finally understand the meaning of "loving someone for the sake of Allah". That is a friendship of sincerity that has the strongest basis for a everlasting friendship. You stay friends because you want to go to Jannah together. You try your best to help your friend and remind them when they do wrong. You pray for them without their knowledge. And you love them unconditionally.

There is a saying "... people will forget that you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.." ~ Maya Angelou

I really hope that among the many people I have met along my 30 years of life, I have touched people's hearts more than I have broken them

To those whom I have ever hurt, please forgive me. I am really sorry.

p/s: Thank you Asma'. You made me do some reflection today. Mubarak'alaik Asma & Sabiq

My Birthday Present

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Good Day fellow bloggers and loyal readers. A lot have happened since I last wrote. I was officially appointed as a Research Officer at our centre (wohoo!), unfortunately that limits my free time on weekdays. Yeah, I have to punch in and out (boohoo).

I also just came back from a 3 day workshop and conference concerning TRIZ which is a direct relation to my PhD research. Fiuh, a lot of input!

And after the conference, I straight away went to Jakarta and Bandung for 5 days. So yeah, it’s been hectic. I have a loooong list of things to do  -- 19 things to be exact. Combining today and tomorrow, I have completed 8 tasks. I have to finish writing a paper by Monday, I have to study TRIZ because I have to teach it on Monday morning. Argh! Yeah, panicking.

One of the things on my list is writing a post for my blog. Even though it not the MOST important thing on the list, Im doing it anyway coz I can’t do the other things on the list just yet. STRESS!

So okey, it was my birthday yesterday :) Happy Birthday to me. Yeah, I’m feeling my age. Old.

It was also my nephew’s birthday, dearest Thauban. He’s 1 years old today :) Grow up to be Ummi’s knight in shining armor okey. Be a good boy and don’t go worry urself about wanting to copy whatever Layth is doing just yet. Don’t grow up too fast.

My birthday this year was not really a celebration. To me, it was more a reflection. Reflection on the double digits on my age chart and on what I have really been doing for the past years. With the life Allah has given me, what have I done in terms of my amal, my contribution to Islam and my responsibilities as a Muslim.

Thinking back, I feel that I haven’t been the best that I can be and I have so much more to do. My responsibilities are all on my shoulders, resting heavily, just waiting to be done. As the days past, the weight becomes heavier, and I know I will drown in them if I procrastinate.

You know Allah is rewarding you when He moves your heart or your body to do something that reminds you about Him. Yesterday, I rewarded myself with a few minutes of lecture by Sheikh Anwar Al-Awlaki in the car. His lectures are long, and I usually cannot find the time to listen to him unless I am driving alone to a far distance. These are the times where I can concentrate listening to his moving lectures on Death and the Afterlife.  That was my birthday present to myself.

I’ve learnt a lot listening to his lectures. And since it is in English, the messages go deep within, attaches right in the heart. If anyone of you is thinking of self-reformation, go and listen to him. His talks will open your eyes, heart and minds literally. You will look at the world in a different light. His talks can be downloaded online.

Islam is actually beautiful. Those who resist are either ignorant or have been influenced by syaitan to defy the fitrah of mankind. We come from Jannah and our goal is to return back to Jannah to live in for eternity. Allah has promised that those who look for Him will always find Him. It’s just us humans who are egoistic and refrain from looking for Him. We walk with pride on this earth He created as if we do not need Him, when in fact He is the reason we exist.

Yes, my birthday this year is different from all the other years. I see changes in myself that I am proud of. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have any weaknesses that I need to overcome or improve. Whatever it is, please keep praying for me.

Pray that Allah allow me to complete my amal, to ease my journey on earth and most importantly in the hereafter. Pray that Allah ease my journey during Hisab, during Mizan and on the titian Sirat. Pray that we will all be reunited in Jannah with our family and friends.

Most importantly, pray that we are always reminded of Allah in every step of our lives and that we are constantly in Allah’s embrace. I always pray that Allah hug me tightly and never let me go. That’s my source of inspiration. It gives me strength and cleanses the heart.

Try it. It’ll make wonders towards feeling Allah’s love :)

Further Studies? No Money!

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Feedback! Wohoo! I thrive for feedback. It’s sort of like proof that what you write matters and was important enough for others to start a conversation over, or ask questions. Thank you for the questions, I’ll answer them as best I can.

I should state that I am writing from UTM’s perspective, and these posts about further studies are not aimed as a way to promote my university. Hehe. It’s solely for the purpose of spreading out the information to those interested. I’m stressing out the fact that there might be other universities (local or overseas) that will be able to better equip you in our studies or are better suited with your lifestyle, etc2. However, I am writing about the opportunities available in my university. The choice is totally up to you.

One thing people tend to worry about when further studies become an option is funding. Yes, everyone needs money. And with a spouse and a couple of kids, we cannot just simply decide to quit our job and do fulltime study. It will affect the income of your family drastically, thus affect you personally. If you have a desire to further your studies for whatever reason (maybe to put you on a higher salary scale, or to change to a better job that needs higher qualifications, or just for the sake of wanting more knowledge), think it thru before doing any extreme decisions. Do you have funding, if not, where should I get it from?

If you have money of your own, go ahead and use it for studying. With your own money, there won’t be any hassle of debt and paying it back. And every cent of money spent for a good cause, every cent for the sake of Allah and ibadah, Allah will reward handsomely on the Day of Judgment. So what do you have to lose? Invest your money for benefit in the Hereafter.

If you don’t have money, there are a few options you can go for. First is MyBrain15, an initiative by the Ministry of Higher Education Malaysia. As a huge push and encouragement towards higher education, this is one initiative by the government that you should take advantage of. And the best part is, they will support you till the end of your studies. But I should warn you that you will need to fill in the application and submit the required documents very carefully. A simple mistake will result in rejected application. And with the reputations of a high success rate for approval, the only reason one might be rejected is a few mistakes during the application and the documents. So be careful there ok. Just a tip *wink*

For more information of MyBrain15, click here.

Second is MARA. I am unclear of the terms and conditions for applying, so I suggest you go and browse the MARA website for more information. But they do give scholarships and loans for further studies.

Third is Research Grant. This one is only relevant for research-based masters. Most researchers (i.e. Professors, Doctors, Lecturers) that are active in research or are doing on-going research have their own grant money to spend for research. And they will have a certain amount of funding for appointing Research Officers or Research Assistants that will help in their research. These researchers are usually looking for masters students to fund. So look for lecturers that are in your area of study, look into what research they are doing and see if it relates to your interest. If it does, then contact them and ask personally about the opportunities for further studies. Researches nowadays are very friendly and they encourage those that have enthusiasm. In fact, they invite them. So there is nothing to lose. However, the grant is usually based on availability. So you have to ask carefully.

But just a reminder, research is a tough journey and you need to love what you are doing. Do not compromise on what you want to research on. It has to be your choice. If not, you will feel so stressed out that it is not even worth the trouble.

Ok what else.. let’s see..

UTM offers a few funding schemes that you can also go for, most of them for research-based masters. One of them is Zamalah. Zamalah is sort of like MyBrain15, but it is a University initiative for those who are not able to get other fundings. Application for Zamalah can be done, but the funding will only be per year basis. And the catch is, you will need to produce high impact journal papers in order to extend the funding. Which means that, by the end of the year, you will need to reapply with a backup of papers so that they will renew the funding for another year. But I must say, the monthly allowance is awesome. Oh yes, I forgot to mention, you will have to teach undergrad students for about 3 hours per week.

Another scheme UTM offers is the Teaching Assistant Scheme. The requirements are you need to be a post grad student and do not have any other form of funding. They will give you a few hours of classes to teach (based on your expertise) per week and pay you RM50 per hour. This scheme is opened for both local and international students.

Others means you can target in terms of funding is applying for an external research grant yourself (or with the help of your supervisor). Again, this is for research-based masters. If  your research is of a new area, or the outcome will be beneficial to a certain industry or company, you can always apply for research grants. Identify your research and look for available grants in the industry. Big companies like Shell, Intel, Motorola, etc. And organisations (either government or private or NGOs) have their own allocation for research. But the catch is, you will need to share the findings with them and whatever you come up with will have to benefit them.

Apart from that, if you have wealthy parents, you can always ‘apply’ for Pa&Ma Scholarship. Hehhe.

So there is no excuse of not having the resources. All you were lacking before this is knowledge. The opportunities out there are endless. All you have to do is ask yourself if you really want it or not. 

Ok, I hope this post will give you a broader view of what is actually in store for you out there. looks like I’ll be doing a series of posts like this. If you have questions, feel free to leave a comment or msg me personally on FB. InsyaAllah, if I find the time, I will answer them as best I can.

Next post will be about “Selecting Your Supervisors” :D 

Masters? MPhil? PhD? Which to Choose?

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

I was attending a meeting yesterday when Sakinah asked me a question about further studies. And since conversation during a meeting isn’t something you can really do (or should do for that matter, hehe),  I sensed some unanswered questions and a lingering curiosity from Sakinah’s side.

So as requested by Sakinah, Im writing a post concerning furthering studies. A few simple questions that may come up when you think about doing post graduate studies; Should I? Is it hard? What is expected of me? Should I do taught course or research? Should I go for MPhil/Fast track or just stick to Masters first?

Yes, well I’ve been thru a bunch of these similar questions. So let me give out a few pointers to those out there who have intentions of going thru this journey.

During my final year of degree, I was asked by the Vice President of my University (other universities call them TNC) about my 5 year plan. He specifically requested to come into our class to talk to us. And I guess he wanted to see where our minds were and where our visions were focused on since we were nearly at the end of the road.

When Prof. Abu asked me, I already had a goal in mind. I wanted to be a lecturer. Therefore, I will need my PhD. Prof. Abu doesn’t really know many names. But unfortunately for me, he knew mine (He kinda reminds me of my dad. So I’m partiality fond of him, and I always talk to him since I was a Student Council Representative. Which explains why he knows me. Hehhehe). Anywaaaay, I was among the first people he asked.

My answer was full of confidence. In five years, I see myself either already with or doing my PhD. Determination and confidence was oozing out of me. Hahaha. And yes, I was certain I would be able to do it.

Confidence. Certainty. Two of the things you need. The other important element of the overall sum is knowledge. You need to find out a few things about the what, where, why and how of things.

First of all, to those who want to go into post grad studies, I say “Go ahead and do it!” Islam encourages us to pursue knowledge till our last breath. And if you see it as a good opportunity to contribute to Islam, then by all means, here’s the application letter!

We are in need of many scholars especially for the development of Islam itself. Knowledge leads to influence, influence leads to listeners, and listeners lead to followers. In this era where qualifications are so important to the general population, more qualified Muslims are needed. The higher the qualification the more respect one gets and the more people believe what one says.

There are 2 different types of Masters Studies; Taught course and Research-based. Majority of people take the taught course. Very very few are adventurous enough to jump into research. When it comes to taught course masters, basically it is 2 years of going to minimum classes and by the end of the duration, there will also be a short research you will need to come out with and present. When one says research-based, then I assume everyone would understand that it’s 100% research.

If I am asked which one is easier, I’ll reply in saying “There is nothing ‘easy’ about Post Grad Studies”. Both approaches have its advantages and disadvantages. But both come with its list of challengers as well.

For those who would like to venture into a new field of study unrelated to their degrees, I advise going for taught course masters. Because for one, you will be entering a new major, something you only have minimal knowledge of and your foundation might be very rocky. And with the really basic familiarity to research and its processes, you need the extra classes. You need to learn more in order to produce more. If you feel like your base isn’t as concrete, again, go for taught courses.

The concept is the same as doing your Diploma. Most people skip this stage and go for Degree, but they end up getting a shock of their lives at how different the new way of requiring knowledge is. Some cannot cope. Those who go thru Diploma get a longer time to set up their basic skills and knowledge before going thru degree. But once they go thru it, they grasp concepts much faster because of their strong initial understanding.

From High School straight to Degree, well, people do survive it. Why? Because these people are able to adapt to their situation in a short period of time.

If you are confident enough to take Research-based Masters head on, and you have a high degree of discipline, I say “You Rock! Go for it!” Also, it matters that you were serious when you did your Final Year Project.

Most scholarships only support research-based masters because of the end results. When you do any type of research, in the end you will come up with new knowledge or new application of certain knowledge. Therefore, your contribution will be acknowledged.

Again, it is all based on you. How far you want to go and how far you are willing to sacrifice.
Now PhD. That is a different matter altogether. Haha.

Between Masters and PhD, there is this thing called MPhil (Master of Philosophy). MPhil is a phase where you do research and after a few months of it, you will be evaluated to see if it can be upgraded to PhD or downgraded to Masters. In UTM, it’s called Fast Track. So if your research is good enough and reaches the level of PhD, then you will have the opportunity to skip that phase and go for the short cut. A 3.5 and above CGPA is one of the requirements for MPhil applications.

If you already have a Masters Degree, then ofkos you can straight away go for your PhD. Those in this category don’t usually have problem adjusting. It’s the Fast track ones who encounter a loooooooong list of tough challenges.

During the first year of PhD, if people asked me “How’s your PhD going? I was thinking of going for it as well” I’d answer “Its ok. Eh, sure. You really should!” Now.. If people tell me they want to do PhD, I’ll stop them and ask “Are you sure you wanna do PhD?”

But we will talk about that in another post. Hehe.

Tough Love in Learning

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Hello people.

Four weeks was a long time to finally find myself again. There are no simple solutions. Whoever thinks like that is actually still living in the clouds, an alternate reality. Some did give me religious alternatives such as strengthen my bond and relationship with Allah Taala. Even though that is the best and only way to get peace of mind, everyone must understand that sometimes, it's more complicated than that. A relationship with Allah is the most important relationship you can ever have. Trust Him and everything will be fine. But again, sometimes everything is so much more complex. Blind trust without effort is foolish because Allah doesn't reward results, He rewards effort. The problem I was having was I didn't know what to do in terms of the effort part.

Alhamdulillah for the past 2 days, a lot of things have changed. After writing out my fears and feelings, I realised that I was finally able to explain and put my feelings into words. Before this, it was all stuck in my head. And without any outlet, without putting them into words, they were only just feelings. Nothing more. But feelings are dangerous to have when it's negative. Because it will eat away at you. Believe me. I know.

The next step I did was see my supervisor. And I have to humbly say that my supervisor rocks. She is so cool and supportive that I spent the whole time just crying my eyeballs out, whilst all she had for me were words of encouragement. She explained to me a lot of things that I could relate to.

Humans were created in a unique way where everything has its purpose and its use. Allah also created us as those who thrive for proof. That was why there are existence of mu'jizat. Every single group of people that ever existed where given a Prophet that called them to worship Allah Taala, and each Prophet were given special mu'jizat as proof of a higher power. Which is why, till this day, we cannot simply just accept a saying or a statement without the proper proof or evidence.

I also needed that. When it came to my feeling of loss and stupidity, I needed someone to tell me something to counter that feeling. Which Alhamdulillah my super awesome supervisor did by explaining to me that what I'm going thru is a process of learning that everyone goes thru. She drew me a diagram of two theories that supported what she was saying and explained in which level I was in and how it is a norm for people to find it difficult.

It was such a relief to hear that. I heard myself sigh in relief, knowing that other people also have difficulties in the same phase of learning. Learning is always hard at some point in time, and she told me how jumping from degree to PhD might have been the reason why I felt so lost. Without the proper exposure to the research process before this, and suddenly being thrown into the PhD battle field with no preparations or weapons. With expectations being so high, that was the reason why I broke down and didn't know how to mend myself back. Alhamdulillah I was so relieved.

She also said that it's normal in this stage of learning to feeling stupid and feel like you don't know what the heck you are doing. And hearing her own experience and experiences of her other students whom have shed buckets full of tears, I didn't feel so alone anymore. I didn't feel like I was a useless case and that I was the only one who felt that way. Before this, I couldn't understand why my self confidence was shattered when I used to be so certain. I was brave and pushed thru when times were tough. But this time, I feel hopelessly stupid.

Today, I was able to come to class and face people. I went to lunch with a friend and shared some of my concerns, and Subahanallah how good that felt. Slowly but assuredly, I feel I'm becoming myself again.

However, please don't stop praying for me.

PhD is hard. Seriously hard. And it is a process of maturity in all sense. Maturity in knowledge, in self worth, in self-confidence, in the process of thinking and process of viewing the world. And most importantly, it's the maturity in maturity. Everyone doing PhD will go thru a series of weak phases and weak spots. And I finally understand that these weak phases are really really tough. I have only gone thru one, and I have a lot more along the journey. And with each weak phase we go thru, the more we grow as a person, the more deserving we are in getting the honour of the title Doctor of Philosophy. Philosophy. That's a tough word to actually understand.

I have been reminded countless times of how not just anyone can go thru PhD. Not everyone is willing to go all the way and not everyone can reach the maturity needed. I pray and pray and hope that I am one of the deserving. Allah put me on this path for a reason. I know I am here for something. So I need to be strong. My supervisor said to me "You can cry all you want. But at the end of the day, when all your tears are spent, you have to be strong and move on thru all the pain you feel. No matter how uncomfortable and painful you are at that moment, just shove thru it and fight on".

MashaAllah. What an eye opener. Thank you Allah.

A Cry for Help

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Hello people.

It took me a while to actually be brave enough to start writing this post. I couldn't decide if it was a wise idea or a step that I will regret later in the future. But this has been going on for a while and I know I need help.

Vulnerability can be seen as many different things. Some see it as a weakness, some see it as a phase in life we go thru every now and then, others see it as a way to get back at you. I guess this was my fear.

I am in a very vulnerable place right now emotionally. I don't know how to express it verbally, so Im taking the chance to write whatever comes to mind to see where it leads and figure out what is wrong with me.

For the past 4 weeks, I have been keeping to myself a lot. I'll admit that it is a kind of hiding. I havent been out of the house very much. I don't want to. I can't seem to make myself do anything. I can't do work, I can't function properly, I can't study, I can't concentrate on studies, I can't seem to be able to even plan.

So I find myself doing other things like cooking. Because Im good at it.

Its like everything I try to touch, everything I try to do is doomed to fail and Im going to fall flat on my face miserably. I have fallen in this deep black hole and I don't know how to climb back up. My confidence is at a super low and I can't find anything that can motivate me back up. And the dark is starting to scare me.

I used to have a lot of things happening in my life. My dakwah work, my business, my studies. There was a time where I was able to juggle responsibilities without a hassle. I reached deadlines, I performed with flying colours and I loved what I was doing. But right now, all three things are crumbling down at my feet and I don't know why.

I've cried myself to sleep numerous times, I've had this feeling that I need to do better and make plans tons of time. But when I try to start, I stare at whatever I was trying to write for a few minutes and stop. Then I start to worry and find something to distract myself from worrying or thinking. I watch TV or I cook.

Friends close to me might have noticed my absence. I havent been talking much. I havent been updating my status much. The only things I write on FB are motivational words that I read every single day and that have direct translation of my emotional state. I closed my FB chat because I don't want to talk to anyone. I haven't seen people lately. I don't go to public gatherings or public programmes. I have been keeping very quiet.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Doesn't anyone notice? Doesn't anyone care?"

I am NOT this person. I am outgoing and I love to talk. Ask anyone that knows me. But why have I become like this? What's going on?

There are days where I can't get myself up from bed. Im not sick but I feel sick. And there are times when I can't find anything to distract me, so I sleep to forget whatever was upsetting me. I feel alone and sad and pathetic.

I feel like Im failing in everything in my life right now. I don't know what's going to happen to my business right now. I hate what money has made me become.

My studies used to be the one thing I was good at. The one thing that I was confident with. But now..? I have no idea anymore where it's going. Im going into my 5th semester and I still feel like I've done nothing. Like I don't really know what Im doing.

So when my one strong lifeline for motivation starts crumbling down, all the rest start deteriorating as well. Im scared and Im angry at myself.

I cry coz I get scolded for small things that leaves a deep impact in me. Its as if it's proof that Im as pathetic and useless as I think I am. Everything I do is wrong. My plans are wrong, my actions are wrong. And it makes me fall deeper and deeper into the ravine I've fallen in.

I feel like I've disappointed every one. My parents, my siblings, my friends, my supervisor. And that stings right to the very core of me. I fear of people thinking the worst in me, I fear I'll be left out, a failure, a cast off.

I'm hurting and I don't know why. I'm sad but I don't know why. I feel like everything is so overwhelming that I don't know what to do anymore, so I don't do it coz I know the outcome won't be good. Whenever I try to start, something holds me back.

Everyone has bad days. I've had my share of bad days, but I've always been able to pick myself up. But this time around, something is different and I'm scared.

I'm scared I've lost my chances in my studies. I'm scared I've given up a good opportunity. I was the one who wanted it for such a long time. So I don't understand why when I finally get the chance, with all the resources around me, with all the great contacts and with the grant I was awarded, I suddenly feel terrible and feel like I'm not going to be able to cope. I know Im stronger than this. I know I am.

My supervisor told me that I should talk about my problems. But Im not that kind of talker. I have good and reliable friends. I have a supportive and loving family. I have no doubts about all that. And I do talk. But Im not good at talking about my negative feelings. Im not good at talking face to face with people when it comes to my failures, my achievements, my fears. I don't want to talk about it. So Im writing.

If someone asked me if I'm ok, I'll honestly say Im not. Im not ok. I feel myself running away rather than face whatever problem that is bugging me. I find myself thinking of any form of distraction for me to concentrate on rather than sit down and face it head on. I find myself coming up with all kinds of excuses rather than actually doing it. I know this. I realise this. But why can't I do something about it?

Ya Allah, please help me.