Niat, Motivation and Distractions

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

I've been wanting to write for a couple of days now, but at home there's always something to do. Without a proper place for you to open your laptop except on your bed, it really makes you feel that it's too much of a hassle. And there's usually other things distracting you - laundry, dishes, clearing up the fridge, moping the floor, cleaning the stove, more laundry, folding clothes. Oh wau. Im not even married yet and I have tons to do! Especially when mak isnt around. Hehe.

For the past 4 years doing my PhD, the journey has been ups but mostly a lot of downs. As Im nearing the end of my journey, I feel much more enthusiastic. Can't wait to finish! But honestly, I have tons more to do *long sigh* You cannot imagine the workload Im supposed to be doing compared to what I have actually completed. Tons more I tell you! I havent reached the point of panicking just yet, but Im nearly getting there.

If you have been along with me throughout my journey, you will know that my downs were awful. And dealing with them were worst. But alhamdulillah, Im here today, still smiling.

Im writing this post because all around me, many friends and colleagues are just starting their journey. I've met a lot of people who I found out are starting their PhDs, thinking about it, or just wanting to do it. Alhamdulillah, may Allah guide them and ease their passage.

I felt compelled to write this, not to scare you. But with the purpose of preparing you what is to come when you actually do your PhD. I've been thru a lot, and I hope that my sharing will help others (especially those around me who are thinking or actually are doing their PhDs).

Niat
The number one thing you should have is The Right Niat

I used to have the wrong niat. Personally, I wanted to do my PhD because I wanted to become a lecturer. I wanted to become a lecturer coz I wanted to have lots of money and be able to travel the world like my father. I was naive enough to think that Allah would allow me this if I worked hard.

I also wanted to show people that Im capable. People used to question my education bcoz I didnt get good results to further straight to degree. I had to go thru diploma first, so I wanted to prove people wrong. It was like a personal goal I wanted to achieve to show people.

But as you can see, both niats were wrong right from the beginning. A year into my PhD, I started questioning myself. It is beautiful how Allah created Niat. The reason for doing something either a deed or an action will all change when you change your niat. If you started with the wrong niat, later when you realise your mistake, you will have the chance to alter it. The Messenger told us: "Innama A'malu bin Niat" Everything starts with Niat.

If your niat (intention) is good, then insyaAllah Allah will guide you and help you. If it is wrong, then Allah will make you realise it, reflect on it and change it. What a waste to do something without the right intention. Thats pahala just doing down the drain. Just imagine how you will be rewarded if you do something with the best of intentions.

My niat for furthering my studies were obviously wrong. It was all duniawi. It was selfish, thinking about myself, without thinking about my akhirat. It was also about "vengeance" in a form of wanting to win an invisible competition for status quo. There is a fine line between taking something as a motivation and being vengeful. And I had crossed the line. It was selfish, and Im ashamed to admit it.

But alhamdulillah, after a long time of self reflection, I changed my niat and found a bigger purpose. Why is this important? Well because PhD is hard. Really hard. And after 2 years into it, you will loose a lot of hope and a lot of motivation. You will be questioning yourself "why on earth am I doing this?" "why am I suffering myself through all this torment when I can just go about working?"

Oh yes, you will be going thru that, I assure you. So when you see clearly your reason to go thru this hard road, then insyaAllah it will give you the best form of motivation ever.

Allah SWT said:



"Read in the name of your Lord who created" (Al Alaq: 1)

This ayat was an introduction to Quran for humans. Read. The first revelation that Allah sent down to Rasulullah s.a.w. was the command to Read. Allah said Read, and Rasulullah did this command for 23 years.

READ. The start of any civilisation begins with reading. It begins with knowledge. In response to that command, the Muslims became the most educated civilisation in history -- Math Education, the developed University system as it exists today, and so many more. What really got to me was when I found out that the PhD system we have now was actually taken from the ijazah system in Islam.

Can you just imagine that? It made me think. Ya Allah, PhD is so hard but in Islam that is the standard of Ijazah (degree). I was astonished. Then later in the tafsir of the surah, we later see that Allah is commanding us to do research. Go find out things you know nothing of. Allah will teach you. Go study, go seek knowledge and understanding of Allah's creations. The system that we have today with the classes, lectures and a ton of spoon feeding comes from the Greek system. But in Islam, learning is a form of research, discovering and finding.

To do research, to seek knowledge and find the wonders of the world and humanity was the first command Allah asks us to do. So find your purpose, find your strength in Allah's ayats. Find your true niat and may Allah guide you the way.

Motivation
The second most important this you need is Motivation.

I used to think that I had high motivation. I was confident, secure with myself and believed that I could do this. But boy was I wrong.

When I say PhD is hard, I mean it. If you think PhD is simply reading journal papers, abstracting details of this and that, combining it together, testing it out and writing about the whole process -- then Im afraid you're in for a rude awakening. It is all that, but adding a few more things. The hardest thing that you are going to face is making decisions. Yes, you will need to read a lot. And by reading, you will notice how much you really dont know. The more you read, the more you find yourself not understanding. So you read some more. And understand even less!

I came to the point where I found myself not understanding one single thing, not being able to relate one thing to the other and thinking about how stupid I am. Yes, you will go thru this too. You will be overwhelmed by the stuff you found and you will have an even tougher time deciding which one to choose. This is where I faced the most difficulty.

It sounds petty, but you wont believe how many dozens of buckets of tears I cried myself. But I later realised, that is why seeking knowledge is a form of Jihad. It is hard. No one said it was going to be easy. And you also will realise from research that everyone goes thru it -- the learning curve. Although not everyone is comfortable going thru it, but insyaAllah Allah will help you when your niat is right.

This made me think about the saying "When a tree has fruit, its branches come down". The more you gain knowledge, the more humble you become. Because you realise that its not even 1/10 of the ilmu of Allah Taala. Which is why the most humble of people are the Ulama' (the knowledgeable).

You will need a great deal of motivation. A strong foundation of belief. Belief that Allah's plans are the best of plans (there is a reason why you were led to this path in life) and belief in yourself (that you can do this).

My tip: If you don't know if you are strong enough, make sure you have friends who will support you. Preferably who have gone thru or are going thru the same thing, because they totally get what you are feeling. Mine is Uswah. Thank you love. You've been there when I was at my worst. You brought me up and pushed me back on my own two feet. And I love you for that. You are my friend till Jannah!


Distractions
The third thing you must have is Distraction

Yes, this is important. Very much important. It can be anything you want. Some have their family, some have their husbands and children. Some have side businesses, some have hobbies, others have volunteer work.

There will come a time during your long study where you just want to get away, think about other things, leave your work at the office/library/etc. During this time, you need something as a distraction. And the best distraction is something that will bring benefit to you and the community.

I have a couple of distractions in my life right now. So Im juggling three things -- my studies, my volunteer work and my business. I have put aside my business for a while because I cant deal with too much on my plate. So now Im concentrating on studies and my dakwah work.

When I want to run away from the bunch of papers on my desk and the long list of books I have to read, I involve myself with my dakwah work. Going around spreading Islam.

When I feel stressed out, I design. Yup. It calms me down. Or I cook, or I do DIY craft. Yes, you need this. If not, you might go crazy.

------------------------------

Those are my three most important tips when embarking on this long and winding road. Even so, those are just a few. I have a ton more, but Im gonna leave you with just those for the time being. And again, this is not to scare anyone from pursuing their studies. Im just preparing you for what is in store.

When I look at the innocent enthusiastic young people excited on doing their PhD, I have mixed feelings -- one part I want to wish them the very best of luck along with prayers and words of encouragements. The other part I just wanna say "Oh yay! You're in for a treat!" *sarcasm* and "It's not as good and easy as you think its gonna be". Yup, definitely mixed feelings.

Best of luck everyone! :) And please pray for me.

Hard Truths About Myself

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Oh my. The last time I actually wrote here was nearly two years ago. I feel so ashamed. I've always fought about how blogging is therapeutic, yada yada yada. But huh. Even I havent had the time to blog.

I dont wanna use the advancement of technology as an excuse. Its too mainstream. I was just to lazy to do it. Technology does make humans lazy.

But somehow or rather, I suddenly remembered a post I once wrote years ago and wanted to see it again. Isn't it ironic how an event makes you remember things you've forgotten? Its like its as the back of your mind somewhere, then suddenly someone, something on an odd day you are reminded of it.

Today, a dear sister got married. Asma', one of my juniors who I really care about. I dont really remember how we got so close, but she is such a dear. You know the expression "loving someone for the sake of Allah"? Well, thats how I feel about her. She has a special place in my heart. I wish her all the best in her marriage and pray it will be happy till Jannah insyaAllah.

What made me suddenly decide to write again, was this very weird feeling that I got after I said goodbye to Asma' at her reception. I suddenly felt sad (sayu hati). As I was driving back to the office, I nearly choked up. I didnt understand this feeling, so Im writing about it in hope that I'll be able to identify the reason behind it.

The feeling that I got made me think about Sherlock. Haha I know right about now you might be saying "what? what does that have to do with it?" Hold on to your pants. Ok, so let me tell you.

For those who watched Sherlock the series, remember the time when Sherlock gave the best man speech? The time when he mentioned about he doesn't even understand how someone would consider him as a best friend. I dont know if its the same, but yeah.. its along the same lines.

Today, when I arrived at the ceremony, Asma was entertaining guests inside the hall. When she saw me, she looked so happy. Yes, I wouldnt have missed that look for the world. Alhamdulillah Asma'. Then after a while, she came all the way from the other side of the hall to our table. I didnt want to bother her because we were eating and she had a hall full of guests to say hi to. But she came to us and sat down next to me.

Then I shooed her away because she wanted to keep talking, but people were coming up to her to see her. When it came for our turn to take pictures with the bride and groom, she said "akak, kite ambik gambar kite berdua dulu". Then when I said, "Ok, panggil Sabiq" so that we could take pictures together, she introduced me as "Ni Kak Amirah, kakak super senior yang sangat osem".

I was super surprised. And terharu. I guess that's what made me suddenly choked up in the car. Someone actually thought of me that way.

You try your best when dealing with people. You try to be your most sincere. But at the same time, be a person who is assertive and stand by your principles. No one, and I mean no one has the right to tell you to change your principles. I am a person who will tell you the hard truth if you need to hear it. I am a person who will say "I dont like this" when I really dont like it, no matter who you are.

I also dislike people who do things sambil lewa. I guess my parents brought us up that way. We were consistently reminded that we should TRY our best. My parents dont really mind what results we got in our exams. As long as we tried. If we didn't try, then that's when they got angry. But if we tried, we studied, we showed some effort, yet we didnt get good results, then they didnt mind at all. We were not penalized for it, but were constantly reminded how Allah rewards our efforts, not our results.

Some would definitely consider me as a difficult person. I am difficult to handle, especially to those who have gotten on my nerves and doesnt show any sign of changing their attitude. It would be one of my goals to bombard them with hard truths as long as they are like that. This might be one of the reasons why people dont like me that much and are afraid of me.

You know when a situation is tough, and there's no one to just stand up and say "we have to stop doing this!"? Or a situation where no one wants to address the elephant in the room? Or when no one wants to really state the problem at hand in fear of hurting ones feelings? Yeah, Im usually that person. I think I've scratched a lot of egos along the way. But hey, what is so wrong in saying what is right? It's not like Im doing it minus the manners and akhlak. Its just that I'm putting aside the berkias-kias, or the fear of orang terasa sini terasa sana. Why not say the hard truths when its true and honest?

So yeah, some people fear me because Im like this.

Which is why I was so surprised when Asma' introduced me like that. I felt so.. I dont know what word to use. I used to question the reasons of people being friends with me. Some friends, I know the reason. Others, not so much. I question how good of a friend I am to others. Sometimes I feel that there is no benefit people befriending me. I feel like Im such a lousy friend.

But when she said that, I found myself thinking "I must have done something right. Alhamdulillah."

As time pasts, our live goals change, we change as people, we change in attitude and actions. We change in our hopes and dreams as we grow up. And when this happens, we find ourselves no longer having anything in common with some of our old friends. It's possible. I find that sometimes, when I hang out with my many group of friends, I don't know what to talk about, as if we have no longer anything in common.

But don't ever break a friendship that was once there. I finally understand the meaning of "loving someone for the sake of Allah". That is a friendship of sincerity that has the strongest basis for a everlasting friendship. You stay friends because you want to go to Jannah together. You try your best to help your friend and remind them when they do wrong. You pray for them without their knowledge. And you love them unconditionally.

There is a saying "... people will forget that you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.." ~ Maya Angelou

I really hope that among the many people I have met along my 30 years of life, I have touched people's hearts more than I have broken them

To those whom I have ever hurt, please forgive me. I am really sorry.

p/s: Thank you Asma'. You made me do some reflection today. Mubarak'alaik Asma & Sabiq

My Birthday Present

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Good Day fellow bloggers and loyal readers. A lot have happened since I last wrote. I was officially appointed as a Research Officer at our centre (wohoo!), unfortunately that limits my free time on weekdays. Yeah, I have to punch in and out (boohoo).

I also just came back from a 3 day workshop and conference concerning TRIZ which is a direct relation to my PhD research. Fiuh, a lot of input!

And after the conference, I straight away went to Jakarta and Bandung for 5 days. So yeah, it’s been hectic. I have a loooong list of things to do  -- 19 things to be exact. Combining today and tomorrow, I have completed 8 tasks. I have to finish writing a paper by Monday, I have to study TRIZ because I have to teach it on Monday morning. Argh! Yeah, panicking.

One of the things on my list is writing a post for my blog. Even though it not the MOST important thing on the list, Im doing it anyway coz I can’t do the other things on the list just yet. STRESS!

So okey, it was my birthday yesterday :) Happy Birthday to me. Yeah, I’m feeling my age. Old.

It was also my nephew’s birthday, dearest Thauban. He’s 1 years old today :) Grow up to be Ummi’s knight in shining armor okey. Be a good boy and don’t go worry urself about wanting to copy whatever Layth is doing just yet. Don’t grow up too fast.

My birthday this year was not really a celebration. To me, it was more a reflection. Reflection on the double digits on my age chart and on what I have really been doing for the past years. With the life Allah has given me, what have I done in terms of my amal, my contribution to Islam and my responsibilities as a Muslim.

Thinking back, I feel that I haven’t been the best that I can be and I have so much more to do. My responsibilities are all on my shoulders, resting heavily, just waiting to be done. As the days past, the weight becomes heavier, and I know I will drown in them if I procrastinate.

You know Allah is rewarding you when He moves your heart or your body to do something that reminds you about Him. Yesterday, I rewarded myself with a few minutes of lecture by Sheikh Anwar Al-Awlaki in the car. His lectures are long, and I usually cannot find the time to listen to him unless I am driving alone to a far distance. These are the times where I can concentrate listening to his moving lectures on Death and the Afterlife.  That was my birthday present to myself.

I’ve learnt a lot listening to his lectures. And since it is in English, the messages go deep within, attaches right in the heart. If anyone of you is thinking of self-reformation, go and listen to him. His talks will open your eyes, heart and minds literally. You will look at the world in a different light. His talks can be downloaded online.

Islam is actually beautiful. Those who resist are either ignorant or have been influenced by syaitan to defy the fitrah of mankind. We come from Jannah and our goal is to return back to Jannah to live in for eternity. Allah has promised that those who look for Him will always find Him. It’s just us humans who are egoistic and refrain from looking for Him. We walk with pride on this earth He created as if we do not need Him, when in fact He is the reason we exist.

Yes, my birthday this year is different from all the other years. I see changes in myself that I am proud of. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have any weaknesses that I need to overcome or improve. Whatever it is, please keep praying for me.

Pray that Allah allow me to complete my amal, to ease my journey on earth and most importantly in the hereafter. Pray that Allah ease my journey during Hisab, during Mizan and on the titian Sirat. Pray that we will all be reunited in Jannah with our family and friends.

Most importantly, pray that we are always reminded of Allah in every step of our lives and that we are constantly in Allah’s embrace. I always pray that Allah hug me tightly and never let me go. That’s my source of inspiration. It gives me strength and cleanses the heart.

Try it. It’ll make wonders towards feeling Allah’s love :)