Sensitivity Level

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim,

I know I havent been blogging for a while. Which might explain why Im stressed out all the time these past few months. My blog has always been a place for venting and expressing my hurt and sorrows, my disappointments and shame. Ive always found it to be my own self therapy. Its a medium to get out all the things crowded in my head so that it can be a little free and peaceful.

Last week, I found out something about myself. After a few episodes and incidents, I realised a significant change in me, which can be seen as either good or bad.

I found out about my sensitivity level.

When I think about my University days, I always remember myself to be this confident and strong person. Someone who is able to control her emotions when a stressful situation is brought upon her and who is able to deal with problems and solve them in a short period of time. Although Im a soft spoken person, I am strict. AND I can control myself when it comes to confrontations. I voice out my opinions with confidence and without fear of rejection.

But now?

I find myself easily shedding a tear here and there. I get emotional with the littlest things, I cry when I see other people crying and confrontation will always lead to a tear fest. I always feel emotional when it comes to things I did wrong, things that are my fault and things that is supposed to be my right but not given to me. I cry when my wrong is corrected by others, and I cry when I know Im at fault.

I actually shed tears when my bos advised me about something. I couldnt believe myself. Why the heck should I be that emotional? When all she taught me was how to handle difficult customers.

I dont see myself as this strong confident person anymore. Its as if Ive changed over a course of a few months. I would rather stay quiet and say nothing than voice out what I think. Why is that?

Seriously, its worrying. Although Im glad Allah gave me the gift of tears, sometimes its inappropriate in certain situations.

I noticed that since the huge failure in my life, Im very sensitive when it comes to failing anything. I get emotional when it comes to not fulfilling others expectations. Time and time again, Ive always said that my not being able to go to UK really affected me, but no one really believes me.

People think that Im healed, but Im the only one who can verify it. And no, Im not healed. I still feel like a failure and that Im not good at anything.

Ayah and Nenek keep asking me if I still want to further my studies. But I never answer. The truth is, Im not confident that Im able to. The rejection was like I was pushed into a huge ravine, and Im still trying to climb back up. Without the proper help and motivation, I might just give up and stay inside.

I noticed how I no longer set big goals in my career. Its like my settling with my current job coz that what Im confident I can do. How pathetic is that? I know I can do better, but Im not confident enough to try.

On thr brighter side, crying is another form of therapy, its a way to express sadness and get the emotion out of my sistem. I cry for my sins and my faults. I find myself closer to Allah. Which is good.

But I still need to do something. I think theres something wrong with me, its just that I dont know what it is and how to deal with it. Any ideas?

Prioritising

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim,

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT.

Wau, its been a while hasnt it. Unexpectedly, I have this awkward feeling sitting in front of the computer and actually blogging. Wierd huh.

Im awfully sorry folks for not updating. A lot has been happening in my life, from big events to small little but significant ones. I do apologise for the absence, there's always something else to do when there's time to write.

Right now pun, Im actually supposed to do something else, but since my blog might merajok if I dont 'feed' it, Im putting the other task on KIV.

So heya all. I hope everyone's doing great. Wau, I have so much to write about that Im not sure where I should start.

Maybe I should start by explaining why Ive been so busy lately. The end of last year and early this year was filled with job hunting. It was a long winding road, with bumps and holes. But I made thru it alhamdulillah.

As a result of my patience, Alhamdulillah I got a decent offer working as a graphic designer just near home. Its only 5 minutes away. Although I can just walk to the office, but with this current heat wave, its safer to drive.

Please take note that I will be complaining about my work in the near future, no doubt about that, but generally speaking, its been ok. No major problems or upsets just yet. Im praying there wont be any in the future. May Allah help me and guide me along the way.

I also just got my 1st pay check last weekend :D hehehhe.. alhamdulillah. Nenek said, "Gaji pertama ni kene bagi orang, supaya duit to berkembang.." Ala, you know what she means. So I belanja my family (semua including Aimi) to Nando's the other night. Alhamdulillah.

Thats basically the tip of the iceberg of whats been happening with my life. Although my work has become one of the many priorities in my life right now, its not the ONLY priority. Ive always been active with KBJ and JJB and ofkos dakwah. My absence these past months are actually due to the fact that Im still trying to reorganise my time and my energy so that all these priorities can be balanced.

If you dont see me online and my blog is suddenly dusty with cobwebs, that means Im still trying to get a hang on things, so do excuse me. When Im really really settled and am able to manage my time more systematically, Ill be updating InsyaAllah.

Gimme a couple of months *wink*

Till next time, over and out.

Quick Updates

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim..

Assalamualaikum WRT WBT

Heya everyone. I guess this is my 1st post of the new year. Sorry folks. I havent been in the blogging mood for quite a while. No, Im not depressed or anything. Im just tired a lot and have nothing to write about.

Well ok, thats the understatement of the year, but most of the things happening, I dont see the need to share with the rest of the whole world. Although this blog is for free expression --NOT first impressions-- I think I need to make some adjustments to the member of viewers.

I think I need to limit those who can read my blog to a minimum, to those who really really really know me, rather than those who will be judgmental.

So everyone can come visit my public blog after this, which I will InsyaAllah keep up to date.

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Ok, so this new year.. I havent officially listed out my new year resolutions yet. If I have any, Im keeping them to myself. Looks like Im becoming a more private person. Haha. We'll see how long that lasts. Although, it might just be caused by the mood Im in.

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Oh yes.. I seriously forgot to update everyone about Wani. She gave birth to my 'anak sedara', named Faqihah Amni. *Sigh* I just love the name Faqihah. It was my chatting name dulu2. Some of my friends still call me Faqihah (or qiha).

I was planning to name my future daughter Faqihah, but no worries. Hehehhehe.

Si Amni ni rupa sama cam kakak die Pipah. Hehe ciut miut.

Me and Abidah went to visit her the other day. As well as to wish her happy birthday. Sorry Wani lambat sambut and lambat ziarah. Baru sampai balik ke JB that week.

Tak sabar nak jenjalan and lunch ngan korang lepas ni. Hehe.

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Next, I missed a few birthdays. Well, I missed mentioning them in my blog.

1st is Layth, my little (alamak dah tak little dah) marshmallow. Hehhehe. Dah besar dah my favourite nephew ni.

Layth is now 3 years old. Besau dah. Hehe.

AND he has started play school, yehaaaaa!

Takpe Layth, nnt ada fulus, ade masa, Mangah dtg lagi eh.

Miss you, muah2!! *hugs & kisses*


2nd is Kak Put. Happy Belated Birthday akak!

May this birthday bring you closer towards Allah's Taufiq and Hidayah.

I found this old picture of Kak Put. Hehhee.. Akak, jgn marah eh mira post gambar ni. Hehhehe..

Sorry I havent been there to celebrate your birthday. Nnt kirim salam kat Mama eh. Ade rezeki kite jumpa.


And last of all, ma sista.. Aliya. Hehhe..

Hepi Besday!! Muah2x.

Hari tu dah bagi birthday wish kat sms, so rasa mcm takyah ulang kot.

Oh ye, happy starting working! Tmrw kan?

Jgn pengsan kat tengah2 shift! hehehehe.


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Ok, so what else have I been up to.. lets see..

1. Kempen Jom Jadi Bijak (JJB) -- nak tahu, kene pi tengok blog JJB kot. Mcm tak kuasa nak ulang balik ape yg tulis kat sane. Hehe.

Just click here if you wanna know what I mean.

2. Keindahan Bersama Mu (KBM) with Kelab Remaja JIM (KRJ) Johor

As fasi eh. Hehhe.. again, tengok video je la.



Haha.. kalau tengok betul2, mesti nampak me a few times :P

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Im just doing some quick and short updates here, so bare with me ok. hehe.

I have an interview tmrw. *yikes* Please pray for me.