Hard Decisions

I have to admit that this short change of scenery (as in from Malaysia to Melbourne) has brought me so much good.

Before I came here, I was somewhat depressed. To tell you the truth, this trip was mostly to cure it -- that was MY intention anyway. I needed to get away for a while and think only about myself for a change.

I had some deep thinking to do and its hard when you have so many responsibilities and distractions.

I was also too upset to do any thinking. Its hard to concentrate when you share rooms with ur little sisters -- who can suddenly burst in when ur weeping ur eyes out. Your emotional outbursts get cut short. Haha. It's embarrassing too. They look up to you to be strong and composed when something bad comes ur way. So its very hard to show true hurt when Im hurt. Its hard to think.

So I put it on hold and kept myself busy so that I didnt have to think. But I was like a bubble ready to burst. Anything remotely related to the issue will start the tears rolling. So I avoided any conversations that would lead to it. But again, since ppl didnt know, they always start with the questions. I had to go thru several conversations where I was practically refraining myself and controlling my voice so that ppl didnt notice how upsetting it was so talk about it. Argh! It was nightmare!

Yeah, you'd be surprised. Im sure you are. But thats how it was. I was suffering and needed to get away.

Only now am I telling you all this because Ive finally done some serious thinking. Ok ok, I only started this thinking process 2 weeks after arriving, mostly during Ramadhan - with hope that no influence of syaitan will cloud my judgment. I guess, with time in my hands and privacy in my room, I finally found the courage to open my pandora's box and let it all loose. It was hard. It took more than a fortnight to find that strength.

I dont think Im ready to share with the world yet what this issue is about. Maybe later when Ive really gotten hold of myself.

This post is practically a shout to everyone that Im healing. Or in the process of healing. Its been good for my soul. Especially this Ramadhan. AND.. I can cry my eyes out whenever I want. Haha.

But, thinking about how there's only a few days left of Ramadhan is making me sad again. Ive never felt this sad before. Oh how I wish it were longer.

Thats all for now. Till I write again.